Young Writers Society

Foreword: I’m not going to look too hard for grammar or spelling mistakes, as those are things that are usually easily found when you reread it or edit it. I’ll be focusing on what are perhaps the more subtle elements, like plot and character. So, without further ado, here’s my take.


Well, the opening certainly catches attention. The first thing that I need to say about the piece is that you better start filling us in pretty soon on a few things, even if just a brief thing in passing. Things like why the heck is this guy (and I still don’t know his name) mixing werewolf DNA into his own, and who is this guy anyway? Being a character kinda guy, I’d like to get to know your main character a bit, and at the moment all I got is that he’s someone who’s not really sure deep down what he’d doing. With how he’d acting, the phrase “it seemed like a good idea at the time” comes to mind. Then again, maybe the pure physical shock of the transformation was what caught him off guard. Just a passing thought from him would be good enough for now, because right now, I’m at a loss for who this speaker is, and I’m sitting here with a lot of questions.

As to the description of said event, I think you do it in quite an interesting fashion. The use of italics I thought made an interesting element. In my mind, those parts had a different emphasis, which sounded pretty cool. Also, the fact that is sounds like the transformation began immediately after the bite is something I haven’t seen before, and certainly seems to have made the transformation that much more shocking for the hero. However, with all that’s there, and what Chance mentions have changed, you might want to mention those changes as well. The same pain in his mouth would likely be duplicated with the claws on his hands and feet. The general internals gave me a visceral impression of the pain he was experiencing, and as written, it sounds excruciating, just short of unbearable. I find it interesting how he gets back up before going to the ground again. In that kind of pain, the most I could see him doing is getting on his knees, his body snapping up from that pivot point.

The grammar, while mostly correct, seems erratic at times. It certainly does reflect the character’s state of mind however, so this might be one of those times when artistic liberties come into play. This is one of those times that something seems a little off to me, but at the same time it sounds good.

“Stop!” comes a booming voice. Not my own but someone else’s. Who was that? Chance does obey the order but I’m left confused. I cock my head just so, and listen for a few seconds. Nothing. I try sniffing the air. No answers there either.

However, I recognize his smell. Chance reeks! He never bathes. He thinks wolves should never practice human habits, even though we are descended from them.

“Come. I know it is quite difficult excepting tonight’s events, but it is time.”

Wishing like hell, I didn’t decide to abandon my humanity

Here upon request. If I repeat anything, I'm very sorry. ^^

(First attempt at Fantasy. Gulps!)

I scream out, [no comma] and claw at my cheekbones, ripping fragments of flesh off.

Hunching over, trying to steady myself, I plant my palms firmly on the ground, [no comma] and prepare for the next wave.

Another pause followed by a sigh shortly afterwards.

My jawbone, [dash? semi? something XD] there is another crack within, and I collapse back down on my knees and [s]wimper[/s] whimper.

These talons, [dash?] make them stop tearing the tissue!

I double-over, thinking blood will surely spew out my eardrums or nostrils.

Instead, I feel the opposite, [no comma] and fear attacks.

I shudder uncontrollably for a few seconds, then, [no comma] the most remarkable – and frightening! – thing happens.

Primal instinct or maybe it’s really me reacting to the changes my body is still undergoing, I begin spitting out my own teeth, [no comma] without a second thought.

I refuse to open them and witness the animal I was told I would become an hour or possibly earlier, but thankfully the pain starts to die down just enough, allowing me to relax.

I move [my?] finger around, top to bottom, searching; alarm sets in once more.

"NOO!” I screeched, and thrashed my head, [no comma] side to side.

I scratch, [no comma] and rip away at my cheeks again, hoping to cancel out one dilemma for another.

I let my head drop, [no comma] and begin coughing.

Chance does obey the order, but I’m left confused.

“You could at least be more sympathetic,” I groan, [s]than[/s] then I scan my gums with my tongue.

Had I been rested and in good health, I’m sure the mystery of where they came from would have shocked me, but not now.

I nodded, taking all the information in, [no comma] and filing it deep within my memory.

“May-be.”

“Suit yourself, but Finley will disapprove strongly, and the pack has no room for weaklings in the hunt.

He might cut out a new mouth, [no comma] in my stomach!

Never having met Finley [s]yet[/s], it made me nervous, and the pounding of my heart reassured me of this wonderful fact.

But, [no comma] I am not a human any longer, and I’ve accepted it.

Lots of questions are colliding into one [s]and [/s]another, but I’m too tired to ask them all at once.

Right away, I spot an owl several hundred feet off in the distance, give [s]it [/s]or take.

I could never have afforded to buy glasses, and lowering myself to the underbelly of scum – the druggies - by stealing, [no comma] never appealed to me.

Chance, who was on his four legs, stepped near me, [no comm] and stuck his snout right in my face.

I didn’t object, nor [s]pushed[/s] push him away.

So, [no comma?] instead I stand, and give chase to Chance, ignoring the rabbit.

Lol, nicely done. Yes, I am an evil editor. I'm even more evil when it comes to my own work. P.S. on this piece, you tend to get a little comma-happy from time to time - it's not too bad, just a little distracting, but I thought I'd let you know. And by the way, I read chapter two and I really enjoyed that as well. I'll critique it when I get a chance.

So, I have edited a little, and elaberated on the story and character developement. I can't say for sure if the changes have improved the story or not. Only you can speak for me. Yes, you.

Thanks.

We love first drafts, don't we? XD Agreed completely that it'll need work - and lots but I'm most definately up to the task. To be honest, this was written completely out of the blue, no outlines or planning what so ever. I've just been itching for a long time to try fantasy, and get my ideas down on paper. Now that I have, and with all your excellent suggestions and feedback, I might have a better sense where I'd like to take this story.

I also think it's time I assign a name to my main character, and maybe give it a gender? Hehe...

*

Saint - Snot? lol! I'm sorry I didn't leave mounds of grammatical and spelling errors for you to sweep up. I can PM you the next chapter if you'd still like me too.

Rei - Excellent points. I kinda did feel that I was rushing the story, but I wasn't a hundred percent sure, and agreed too that I should describe the change more thoroughly. After all, the werewolf transformation can be the of the coolest, visually appealing senarios in Literature. I suppose I now have an excuse to rent all the classic werewolf films to re-educate myself. Yes!

Sunny - *blinks* Quite a few mistakes there, huh? You've got the eye for editing. Kudos for pointing out the errors. It'll help me when I tear it to pieces with my own editing. Thank you.

There are a lot of phrases here, rather than full sentences. It's a bit awkward after a while.

There are a lot of phrases here, rather than full sentences. It's a bit awkward after a while. Example:

I recognize his smell. Chance reeks! He never bathes. Thinks wolves should never practice human habits.

“I am weak,” I moan. No longer interested if there was indeed another person or being with us, I remain seated, letting my body heal.

“Your fangs have arrived,” he snickered. “And I dare say, your two front ones are the longest by far I have seen yet. If you crush a deer’s neck in those jaws, do howl in my direction. I will be sure to outrun the pack and make short work of the venison before the others have a chance to feast.”

“Good. That means your memory is already improving too. But to paraphrase, remember with our bloodline pumping through those wretched human veins, your sight, hearing, smell; they all will be heightened, and stronger than our cousins. With these senses comes another, an inner one if you will. It is the ability in knowing another presence that is near, something has gone astray, or like you have demonstrated now; there was a change in my facial features without needing to see it for yourself. Your newly acquired instincts have told you so. Take notice too – your speech has dramatically improved too.”

“No!” Chance snorted. “I have never witnessed a human with pointy ears, claws and fangs that would even make the vampires themselves second guess messing around with the likes of you.”

Chance, who was on his four legs, stepped near me, and stuck his snout right in my face. I didn’t object, nor pushed him away. After all, he was invading my personal space.

It certainly does not suck by any means. However, it could use some work. Throughout the story it was never clear if it was werewolves or vampires. I'd want a little more background and history of the characters as well to help us understand what is happening here. The other thing you can do to imrpove this is slow down and give us a little more descriptive detail. Make us really feel what is going on in the character's body. Don't be afraid to be gory if it will help.

Anyway, kudos for being brave and branching out to other genres!

Hey! I really enjoyed this! You put kind of a new twist on the old werewolf idea. I put my corrections in bold. :D



~Sunny

Samuel Garrison wrote:(First attempt at Fantasy. Gulps!)
*

Full Bloods vs Half Breeds
By Jessica Bruce

The Bloodline


Bitten. Changing. Bones breaking and forming a new skeletal frame. I scream out, and claw at my cheekbones, ripping pieces of flesh off. Blind. Eyes are pinned shut. Hunching over, trying to steady myself, I plant my hands firmly on the ground, and prepare for the next wave. Another sharp crack from the inside. A paw touches my shoulder.

“I… want to take… it… back,” I wheeze.

“I am afraid there is no turning back.”

I nod feebly. “I… sha… shou… na… na… - wha…” Gritting my teeth, I try again. “Wha-E is it … ha… hard ta… to… talk?”

“Perhaps the canine cells are fighting with your human ones. Beyond that, I am not certain.” There is a pause. “I warned you mixing the bloodlines might have been dangerous,” said a gruff tone. Another pause, followed by a sigh shortly afterwards. “Had I known…”

Suddenly, I shriek. Standing quickly upwards, I shake my head fiercely from one side to the next. It feels like a chisel is smashing itself into my gums. Sharp. Cutting. Pain! My jawbone, there is another crack within, and I collapse back down on my knees (This sentence is a fragment, and a little awkward). Unbelievable is the word. I can’t speak openly, yet I’m able to think inside my mind without trouble. Bleeding! I’m bleeding internally now!

I cough, expecting to hack up bits of my lung or chunks of bloody tissue. Instead, I feel the opposite, and I a ripple of fear attacks (<um...what? lol). I shudder uncontrollably for a few seconds, then, the most remarkable – and frightening! – thing happens. Primal instinct or maybe it’s really me reacting to the changes my body is still undergoing, I begin spitting out my own teeth, without a second thought. One. Two. Five. Groups of disgusting, foul-tasting teeth were either slipping out from the corners of my lips freely or I was ejecting them in no particular area in the forest. My eyes are still closed. I refuse to open them and witness the animal I was told I would become (comma here) but thankfully the pain starts to die down just enough, allowing me to relax. I spat another tooth, and as odd it might seem, I open and touch. No more teeth but gums. Moving my finger around, top to bottom, searching, alarm sets in once more.

“I huv noph teeuth!”

“Care to elaborate?” (lol, nice)

I swallowed. I heard my breath coming from my mouth (where else does your breath usually come from?). Fierce and swift. My chest rose and I quickly exhaled. It might have been an hour or longer for all I cared, but – “NOO!” I screeched, and thrashed my head, side to side.

Razors! Pointy razors ripping upwards! I scratch, and rip away at my cheeks again, hoping to cancel out one dilemma for another. Breathing hard. Can’t control my heartbeat. I let my head drop, and begin coughing. The bitter taste of blood stings my tongue. I cough again, and then dig my fingernails into the soft soil and scratch it over and over. Anything to distract the pain was all that it mattered now. At least ten or so minutes passed – difficult to keep track for sure – but the pain dwindled, leaving my poor, aching mouth. It hurt, everything is sore and aching in agony, yet somehow I’m still alive, still able to continue. I hear the wheezes escaping, and I gasp open-mouthed, trying desperately to calm my body down.

“How are you fairing?” (faring)

His tone wasn’t exactly comforting, but Chance remained, as he promised. It was all I could have wanted right now. To go through this transformation alone, dangling from a tree trunk, I would have accepted that type of death open-armed. (A run-on, I think)

“Ya… You stayed!”

“Of course. The pack always stays united, but you should already know this.” I feel him tugging my left ear roughly.

“Stop,” I said weakly.

“Not until my question is answered,” and the yanking of my ear continues.

“Stop!” comes a booming voice. Not my own but someone else’s. At any rate, Chance obeys the order. I listen for a few seconds, than sniff the air.

I recognize his smell. Chance reeks! He never bathes. Thinks wolves should never practice human habits.

“I am weak,” I moan. No longer interested if there was indeed another person or being (hmm..."being" is a sort of awkward word) with us, I remain seated, letting my body heal.

“Check your teeth.”

I almost forgot. I guess I was so relieved the pain went away; I didn’t think to check my mouth. Opening it slowly, I whimper, “It hurts.”

“Expect pain. Much of it lies ahead.”

“You could at least be more sympathetic,” I groan, than I scan my gums with my tongue.

“Open up, and let me see.”

Impassive. There was no trace of concern or fear in Chance’s voice. Regardless, I opened my mouth anyway.

“Hmmm…”

I closed it. “What?”

“Your fangs have arrived,” he snickered. “And I dare say, your two front ones are the longest by far I have seen yet (nix "I have seen yet"). If you crush a deer’s neck in those jaws, do howl in my direction. I will be sure to outrun the pack and make short work of the venison before the others have a chance to feast.”

“You’re grinning, aren’t you?”

“Yes, I am,” he snickers.

“Wait, how did I know that?”

“Know what?”

“Know that you were smiling? I still haven’t opened my eyes.”

“Well, perhaps you should do so.”

“Stop grinning at me!”

“But it is fun.”

“How? Tell me.”

“Tell you what?”

“You know!” I shout.

“Spoil my fun will you.” (A bit of an awkward sentence)

“Please,” I asked.

“Very good, you are learning already. Respect. It is your instincts. Remember our discussion about Full Bloods?”

“Yes. Every word.”

“Good. That means your memory is already improving too. But to paraphrase, remember with our bloodline pumping through those wretched human veins, your sight, hearing, smell; (hyphen rather than semicolon) they all will be heightened, and stronger than our cousins. With these senses comes another, an inner one if you will. It is the ability in knowing another presence that is near, something has gone astray, or like you have demonstrated now; there was a change in my facial features without needing to see it for yourself (I think this is a run-on as well.) Your newly acquired instincts have told you so. Take notice too – your speech has dramatically improved too.”

I nodded, taking all the information in, and filing it deep within my memory. I have large fangs. I repeated the words a few more times. I’m capable of breaking a deer’s neck, and in my own mouth? I shuddered, realizing the power that has been given to me. I asked for it but had I any idea the immense pain involved…

Chance warned me from the get go that because he was a Full Blood himself, he also had no knowledge of the transformation I would undergo since he has never been exposed to the change. He says that he’s unaffected by the moon’s cycle, yet Chance is a prisoner to the sun. He once told me the reasoning. It had to do with an alliance made thousands of years ago by an ancient vampire and werewolf. To end the century-old battles between fur and fangs alike, supposedly the deal was the Full Bloods had to accept vampiric blood cells injected into each of them. It meant my race would forever be slaves to the sun, just like the vampire clan. And in return, we would no longer be hunted to the brink of extinction, plus we now have the clan as allies – powerful, super-fast, and intelligent beings. But that is all I know of the vampires. Chance’s explanation was brief. The last bit of information concerning our distant, nocturnal cousins that he shared was the leader of the vampire clan is still alive and is estimated to be six thousand years old! (I think you should say, "The last bit of information that he shared concerning..." It flows a little better.) Never having met one, I wasn’t going to lose sleep over it either. If vampires are any portrayed in Bram Stoker’s movie, forget it. ("like vampires portrayed" or "similar to vampires"...makes more sense) I never want to meet one. Brr…

The Half Breeds on the other hand, (hyphen rather than comma) the moon’s rays affect them. Blood-thirsty creatures of the night. They kill without remorse or pity, ripping every living thing to pieces, or at least what Chance has told me.

“When you said ‘cousins’ earlier, did you mean the vampires?”

“No. I meant the Half Breeds.”

“Oh.”

“Are you going to keep your eyes shut all night?”

“May-be.”

“Suit yourself but Finley will disapprove strongly, and the pack has no room for weaklings in the hunt. You will need to see your surroundings to catch your prey.”

“I’m afraid,” I mutter.

“Well, there has not been much of a drastic difference from your previous appearance.”

That interested me, and I perked up a little. “I still look like a human?”

“No!” Chance snorted. “I have never witnessed a human with pointy ears, claws and fangs that would even make the vampires themselves second guess messing around with the likes of you.”

“Then I do look awful,” I groan.

“No, I disagree. You look like a wolf, well… Partially anyway.”

“What do you mean?” I asked, suddenly startled.

“Whereas I have a thick coat of fur, you still have flesh. Your nose does not look canine, nor do your feet either.”

“I thought the change would come at me all at once?”

“Remember, I told you earlier. I have no knowledge in these matters. Only a sane Half Breed could educate you, but seeing how that will never happen, I warned about the mishaps that may occur when mixing my blood with a human, especially the probability of either death or a crazed lunatic that is neither of my kin nor the Half Breeds.”

“So, wait, are you saying I’m not a Full Blood?”

“Exactly. You share the bloodlines of us, as well as vampiric cells, but officially you are an entirely new race. However, since you are neither dead, nor a raving loony, for now, I think you are safe.”

“Thanks,” I mumble. (lol)

“Come. I know it is quite difficult excepting tonight’s events, but it is time.”

“Time for?”

“For you to open your blasted eyes! I cannot have a blind apprentice.”

“An apprentice?” I asked, refusing to open them for now. “I thought we were friends?”

“Come, it is time for us to pay a visit to my brother. Finley will decide.”

“On?”

“Your place within the pack.”

“But I can still be with you, right?”

“Perhaps. It is not my decision but Finley’s.”

Wishing like hell, (no comma) I didn’t decide to abandon my humanity; living on the streets was simple compared to this crap! (Try "I wished like hell I didn't decide to abandon..." Again, it makes more sense)Never having met Finley yet, it made me nervous, and the pounding of my heart reassured me of this wonderful fact. But, I am not a human any longer, and I’ve accepted it. Lots of questions are colliding into one and another but I’m too tired to ask them all at once.

Slowly, surely, I lift my lids. They flutter for a bit, as my vision attempts to readjust itself. It doesn’t take an hour either, more like a minute. I blink, thoroughly amazed by how much my eyesight has improved. Right away, I spot an owl several hundred feet away, give it or take. Had I been human still, the best I could hope to see was a giant rock a foot from my feet. As a human, my vision was always slim at best, and especially at night. I could never have afforded to buy glasses, and lowering myself to the scum of the streets by stealing, never appealed to me. (Run-on)

Chance, who was on his four legs, stepped near me, and stuck his snout right in my face. I didn’t object, nor pushed (push) him away. After all, he was invading my personal space.

“Ah. You have the eyes of a wolf.”

“I do?”

“Yes. Your pupils are distinct.” He moves in even closer, and again, I don’t do anything. “Hmm… Too distinct,” he adds.

“Chance?”

He doesn’t answer. Instead, he trots away.

“Wait!” I holler to him.

No good. Before I chase after, for some odd reason a strong feeling grows. It bubbles below my gut. Churning, circulating something that suddenly becomes appealing. Licking my lips, (no comma) and crouching, I grow hungry. What’s on the menu? A furry, innocent, and a deliciously wonderful rabbit ("A furry, innocent, and delicious rabbit" or something like that. What you have is a bit awkward). Instincts kick in, and I spring into action. Running on two legs. Realize that I can gain more momentum if I just run on fours, like Chance. I try, but stop, and frown. He runs with such grace and speed, and I can’t come within a fraction to match his pace. I will have to ask later, I say to myself. Still, I can run faster than a human. So, instead I stand, and give chase to Chance, ignoring the rabbit. I will just have to find my meal ticket later.

Hey Fish! First attempt at fantasy, eh? Go you for branching out!

Standing quickly upwards,