Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

First Impression: This sounded pretty interesting. It was a nice little conversation between these two characters. I really appreciate the lack of an info dump and the subtle lines that make sure we get a sense of what's going on. The overall flow of the story was quite nice to see and it was paced quite well too.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Inside in the old, familiar apartment that humans abandoned some years ago I would venture to guess, this nook to the very end of the hallway is my chosen sanctuary. True, the to the left and right of me, the walls have claw sized holes and this white, plaster-like substance, it cracks it seems a little more each day. Beatles are my constant companions and the mice and rats serve as appetizers.

“Oh, do not bother knocking,” I remarked distastefully.

In response, I lift myself up off the floor, and stand on my two hind legs. I turn swiftly in her direction, snarl and raise my paws in a threatening display, as my claws were flexing in and out.

She is standing on her two legs too but instead of answering, I watch Decorus shut the door gently, and then walk towards me. My ears flatten, which is a slightly submissive trait among the wolf. I lower my paws to the Omega, but my eyes narrow. I sense she has come for a purpose, not to mock by reminding me once more I – we – will forever be prisoners in the human world.

I nodded in agreement and lowered myself unto all fours. “When is the last has anyone heard of the Great Being?” I ask, switching a subject I have grown expressing tired of discussing in detail.

I cringe upon hearing the name my human parents gave me centuries ago. How the two thought Finley and I were cute, little ‘pets’ is wonder in itself.

“You will have to inform me of the Great Being’s message,” I grumble.

“Yes… tomorrow,” and soon my ears prickle, as snoring became my new, but less becoming companion for the remainder of the night.

Thank you Roaming Shadow for all your advice. When I finish the first draft, I'll take all your suggestions into consideration.

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“Awful things,” I mumble distastefully. Tiny vibrations of creatures kept colliding and scrape within the hollow frames of the walls. Flapping and the occasional squealing came if one or many, no telling for certain with the entire racket they produce at night, bumping into each other or the edges of the walls themselves.

“Eramus,” she grins. “I never knew that someone such as yourself to be squeamish with bats.”

“Such as myself? Explain yourself,” I demand.

“If your brother were here, he would remind you of your place.” That incorrigible, arrogant smile of hers stayed. Instead of losing control of my good wits, I merely snicker in response. “Yes, M’lady. You are indeed second in command after Finley.”

“Flattery will get you no where,” she laughs.

I narrow one eye and let my gums fall loosely, thus displaying my fangs. A faint growl escapes deep from my throat too.

“Melodramatics are a human trait,” she says and waves her paw directly in my face, dismissing the
simple fact that I am clearly not amused nor especially happy by her antics so early in the night.

“We are descended from the human race, remember that detail yourself,” I say. “A young Full Blood such as you, Decorus, should not parade ranks or mock your formal leader of the pack. There is so much to be learned in order to survive.” I turn my back on her, sit on my haunches and let my head fall unhappily, lapsing into old memories. She, due to her credit, the only sum of it that Decorus has since achieved upon visiting me since the sunrise of yesterday; she remained silent. Fragments of those I knew swept over and caressed my troubled mind. Noble wolves that I once knew that are no longer are, the battles and the lust of it all when victory was mine, the bloodshed of the Half Breeds when I was the Alpha and keeping order of the population before they would try and overpower us. Finley, always faithful by standing to my side and decisively suggesting tactics to overthrow the Half Breeds in battle, for it was they that humans hate us so. Humans are incompetent, stupid creatures that cannot simply decipher the difference between either breeds of werewolf. Thus, in desperate attempts for their own survival, the humans in poor fashion try and kill us with their ranged weapons while the Half Breeds can never fully be stopped. Our cousins cannot control the hunger in which that drives them. There was one other wolf however. While it became tradition, I stood on my hind legs, naked, and Finley who wore his tartan proudly of the country we were birthed into, we overlooked the pack from a cliff before another bloody fight with our four-legged cousins. Finley was much nimbler, smaller in stature compared to his older sibling, but there was one other I could trust wholly for council then my brother. Broad, burly and taller than any Full Blood I have ever known, his disposition was calculating, he was firm on his ideals but open to suggestions and if there was any physicality that set him apart from the rest of the pack, it was his fur. Black and shiny as could be, when the moon cast its rays just so upon him, his fur appeared to glow, giving him a special distinction among us. He was my chosen Alpha to lead when age and time saw fit to push me down and select a new leader of the pack.

“Are you all right?” Decorus asks.

“I am troubled,” I respond honestly. There is a pause. “I was remembering.”

“I can’t hear too well with your back turned.”

“Then walk in front of me because I am not moving,” I saw louder. I expected sarcasm or grumbling in return but instead my ears cock as I hear Decorus shuffling towards me. She flopped on the floor and dust rose. I ignored it.

“What or who were you remembering?”

“Bear.”

She nodded. “You were close to him, huh?”

“Yes.”

“Perhaps he will return.”

“Perhaps he is already dead. Without the protection of the pack, a few Half Breeds are capable of killing one of us and their numbers are steadily increasing I would venture to guess.”

“But he was strong, a good warrior.”

“That he was, and the only one to reject a name in Latin, as the vampires so readily choose to speak in that tongue.”

“Turstin left a message for us,” Decorus says by changing the subject.

I lift my head and stare into her face. “So you mentioned yesterday. What news does the Great Being bring?”

“You will not be angry?”

“That would depend on the question, Decorus.”

There is some hesitation on her end, but shortly she speaks. “Turstin was observing outside one night
by listening. He said he was affixed to the side of a shell of a home and intrigued.”

“So?”

“He heard a human, a boy to be exact a little further off in the distance. Turstin said he might have tried to glide over to a landing of this house if it wasn’t for the other in the same room. Instead, he chose to dig his fingernails deeper into the brick and listen further.”

“Unusual,” I think aloud. “The Great Being did not attempt to feed?”

Decorus shook her head. “Turstin wouldn’t outright feed with a werewolf in the same quarters as a human. He would be breaking our code of conduct among us. There is no need to stir ancient disputes.”

I shrugged. “So the Half Breed slaughtered another one then. Why would the Great Being care so much about either one?”

“Because, Eramus. That wolf, he is a Full Blood, and we do not kill humans.”

I begin to inquire, but Decorus halts me.

“…that Full Blood was you, Eramus.



(Next Chapter is "Gregor.")

Ah, Eramus! I remember him from the character dialogue way back when. I think it was he who made reference to the origins of Conall's name. Or was that the other werewolf, whose name I can't remember? Or was it a vampire? It's been a couple months. I found him kinda interesting back then. Anyway, onto the crit.

Not only do you fast foreword into the future compared to the first part, you even switch point of view. At this point, were this a book from the library, I would have a hard time reading further. Sorry to be blunt, but that's the honest truth. You keep jumping around so much that the story is losing focus. As soon as I start getting attached to one character, they disappear, unless Decorus is the previous point of view character, which with how you've presented things, doesn't make any sense, as she seems a true full-blood. Now you have the hook for the real plot, but the character from the past two sections has vanished without a trace and the timeline jumped. The completely inconsistent timeline is a huge distraction that I as a reader find annoying (nothing personal, I assure you). Now, onto the merits of the piece itself.

From the get-go, I can tell that the POV has changed. That's a good thing, as you don't want your reader confused as to whose head they're in. Your diction and description right from the start give me a good first impression of the character's personality.

Snorting and lashing about with a paw will not offer rewards for such behavior and as it stands with the complications of the pack, I shall never receive my one goal in this wretched life I was born into.

I turn swiftly in her direction, snarl and raise my paws in a threatening display, as my claws were flexing in and out.

“When is the last has anyone heard of the Great Being?”

“Dawn will be near. I have stayed too long,” she says softly.

“Over here,” I say as I walk slowly towards to a closet that is left of the room.

“There is enough space for two of us to hole up until tonight.”