Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

First Impression: Well this is actually quite a nice idea. If you were planning on practicing with this character I think you've done an amazing job with it. He's definitely got a very clear and distinguished personality and it feels very different from Samuel's making that some great characterization. This story itself was also pretty darn good. It flowed beautifully and had some great language throughout.

Anyway let's get right to it,

John Hancock sat at the mahogany table, busily sharpening the blade of his fine dress sword, breathing fire and brimstone at the British Regulars and debating with Samuel Adams at the same time.

Okay fairly decent little establishing shot of an opening that you have right there.

For the majority of the night, John cleaned his musket of residue and polished his sword, arranging his accouterments in order.

This just feels like an unnecessary line here mostly because of the phrase at the start. I think you do away with that phrase and this whole thing would sound a let better that way.

The fire crackled and Samuel Adams, whom was standing directly behind his companion, crossed his arms against his chest; tight lipped, watching John.

That should be who.

Samuel had been debating with John for nearly three hours, trying to persuade his friend that they both had to depart Elizabeth Clarkes' three-bedroom cottage and seek another sanctuary. Samuel Adams knew deep below, that it would only be a matter of time before the Regulars arrived in Lexington, and time was precious; something that shouldn't be taken for granted it.

Okay decent bit of exposition for us to understand the context of what exactly is going on here.

A thin smile spread on John's lips. He tilted his head and peered upwards towards Samuel and stopped sharpening the sword's blade momentarily. John set the oil stone aside and placed the sword meticulously next to it. After a few seconds, when John was completely satisfied his sword and oil stone wouldn't slip from the table, he produced another faint smile.

Well I have to respect a man that remembers to keep his blade well oiled and polished. So many stories tend to forget this part.

Samuel's cheeks instantly reddened. He removed the grip from John's shoulder and furiously dropped two fists against his waist. Feeling exasperated, Samuel attempted to persuade John again.

I don't think the whole exasperated part needs to be mentioned again. It's pretty clear from his actions.

What an incompetent and foolish man! Our very lives could be in further jeopardy and he wants to throw years of work in planning and coordinating independence from Great Britain by placing himself in harm's way? Does not John see past his stubborn morals and realize politics are our nature? That he is more of a service than joining arms?

Some pretty interesting questions there to end things on.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: So this was a nice little piece. I don't know much about American History so I can't judge the historical part of this very well but otherwise as a story I'd say this is really good and done pretty well with these characters being shown really well. I would love to read the story that this character Hancock is mean to join but I don't know if I ever will run into it.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

And that's all!! Is this like a sidestory to your other one? Are you going to continue to develop this, or was this just something you felt needed to be written?

Hey Jiggy! Thank you for the feedback. I'll plug around and see what I can come up with.

Sidestory? Hmm... Never thought about it. I just saw this more of an exercise to prepare myself but I guess it could be in a way. Yeah, I think I'll continue with it until I'm comfortable with Hancock's character.

This was exceptionally written, I mean really, it was very well done.

Woot! Thank you for the kind words, Jiggy. Compliments are always nice.

breathing fire and brimstone at the British Regulars



Now Im not entirely sure about this, but Im guessing he wasnt actually breathing fire and brimstone. I understand what your trying to say but I think it can be said in a better way, one with less mpotential to confuse.

I don't know. I do like the metaphore. I guess I have a decesion to make.

Quote:
Samuel's cheeks instantly became warm and sticky.



This was the only part I was confused about. What do you mean, 'warm and sticky'? Was he crying? Was there a rush of blood to his face, signalling anger or embarrassment? It may just be me in this instance but that confused me.

Ah! Good point! Very good point. Good eye, Jiggy.

What an incompetent and foolish man! Samuel shouted to himself



There's nothing wrong with this really, but no one actually shouts to themselves, do they? That can be better worded, I think.

Hmm... I might be on the minority here, but I yell at myself when I'm mad, lol. I was trying to distinguish that it wasn't dialogue and that Adams was having conflicts with himself. Perhaps you're right. It could probably be worded better. Thanks again!

And just cause I got a good laugh out of it...

Okay, first off, let me say that I am surprised at the length of this piece. Its surprising in that it's not 100 pages long

Every time I read that, I can't help but laugh because it's so true! Most of my stories are long and I'm surprised too that it didn't turn into fifty pages either.

Okay, first off, let me say that I am surprised at the length of this piece. Its surprising in that it's not 100 pages long. Anyways, I think its really good and very nicely written. There are a few things though, that I noticed.

breathing fire and brimstone at the British Regulars

Now Im not entirely sure about this, but Im guessing he wasnt actually breathing fire and brimstone. I understand what your trying to say but I think it can be said in a better way, one with less mpotential to confuse.

trying to persuaded

Take out the 'ed' on the end.

Samuel's cheeks instantly became warm and sticky.

This was the only part I was confused about. What do you mean, 'warm and sticky'? Was he crying? Was there a rush of blood to his face, signalling anger or embarrassment? It may just be me in this instance but that confused me.

What an incompetent and foolish man! Samuel shouted to himself

There's nothing wrong with this really, but no one actually shouts to themselves, do they? That can be better worded, I think.

And that's all!! This was exceptionally written, I mean really, it was very well done. Is this like a sidestory to your other one? Are you going to continue to develop this, or was this just something you felt needed to be written?