Published November 12, 2009
they say there are no atheists in foxholes-
that human nature dictates
that in the throes of desperation
we all find faith.
no athiests in car crashes
or cancer wards or bombing raids or quakes.
but by that logic it seems
there must be no believers
in the first sweet sleepy moments of the morning
when you're wakened by the sun's caress and aware of everything and nothing
or in the fading dusky daylight when the clouds are tinted apricot and rose,
in the giddy cascade of shared laughter
or the quiet cocoon of a kiss.
if there are no atheists in foxholes
are there no worshippers in the thousand fleeting moments when it feels that
heaven is
here and nirvana is
now,
that maybe this is all there is and maybe it's enough?
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,928 Literary Works • 673,751 Reviews
Not sparking a religious debate
It was very well written and I like it regardless of my own personal belief.
just a question though, have you had a near death experience? car crash or the sort?
I have and it wasn't faith finding
just full of pain.
I LOVE this statement, and the title with the poem works famously.
I really likes the poem until here:
IT seems like you lost the structure that you had above.I don't think that it really matters if you change that or not though. I like it either way.
Keep up the great work,
~Poem
Ah, the beauty of my land surpasses even that of heaven. I live on the mountains so I can see so many wonders. If there were no such thing as heaven, I would not be disappointed. You seem to embrace this feeling. Heaven is for when you are about to die.
Hello! (:
Other than the spelling error Mia has already pointed out, I found this poem to be incredibly well written. Something I would try to focus on is increasing the amount of imagery and showing you could do in the poem, especially when there is such a strong theme such as atheists in foxholes. Further usage of metaphors and imagery would really give this poem a much stronger punch.
In regards to Mia's suggestion for more punctuation, I'd like to offer a different opinion--i'm quite a fan of sparse punctuation as well as all-lowercase letters (as you've used) and I'd even go as far as suggesting you eliminate some of the punctuation that exists in the poem currently. I definitely feel the effect of sparseness, even loneliness, in this poem.
Hope this helps!
- ina
Hey!
)
OK, so the first thing I noticed about your poem was the title. In particular, the word "atheist"
Which is spelt "athEIst"
Aside from that, the poem flowed really nicely. The only thing you should do is add some puntuation to the end of lines, even if it's only a comma. This helps your reader to breathe properly, and stops asphyxiation (which is always good
Great job though!
Keep writing!
Mia x