Published March 28, 2009
It was my eleventh summer,
A balmy British Colombia night.
Splintery planks pressed up through our clothing as we
Lay on the narrow dock, elevated just above the lake’s surface-
Dark and gleaming and peppered with reflections of stars,
So many molten diamonds that
Danced and distorted in the languid breeze.
You reached up to trace the constellations with a fingertip,
Your words weaving visions of goddesses and monsters,
Of hapless Orion and swift Pegasus.
I wondered at the way you read the stars
Like incandescent Braille.
If I ever have a child, father,
I will lie with them beneath a summer sky brimming
With a spill of stars that sparkle like champagne.
I will trace for them the constellations
And I will think of you.
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140,582 Literary Works • 673,538 Reviews
Thanks so much, everyone!<3 I might be including this in a poetry portfolio I'm submitting to hopefully get a scholarship, so it's encouraging to get such positive responses.
An amazing piece! Great job, there wasn't much wrong with it! You captured my interest at the beginning of the poem. I'd add a simile, or even a Homeric simile. Similes and metaphors help. There was a bit of personification. Lots of alliteration. No grammar mistakes! I would break the first stanza in two; it'll balance with the third stanza better.
Overall, it was great! Nice little poem.
-Colt
Very beautiful, Fireweed. The imagery was vividly clear and the voice of the narrator was amazing. You made it sound like the person really was speaking to their father. It was all combined beautifully to make an amazing poem. The metaphors and comparisons you used were, as gyrfalcon said, original. Exquisite and heartfelt. Simply stunning.
A beautiful piece, darling--your imagery was sublime and your word choice delightfully simple (I mean that in the most complimentary way possible, I generally abhor flowery language in poetry). As a personal style choice, I'm not much of a fan of capitalizing the beginnings of every line, but of course that's entirely up to you. I especially like the "incandescent Braille"--very original. Keep writing!