This is a bit mushy for my taste, but my sister insisted i put it on here. I considered putting it in romantic fiction, put i decided it was more like a story of recovery than romance. comments and title suggestions very welcome!!!
heres me story:
It was a grey day. The sea was not green or blue even clear, just a vast, endless, opaque grey, the color of slate. There were no quaint little boats, nor was it dotted with tiny green islands. There were only the grey gulls skimming the waves, crying racously.
The sky was all cloud, not even a tiny hole of blue or a hopeful ray of sunshine. The seperation between sky and sea would have been nonexistent if not for a long, thin strip of grey-green hills, and even that was blurred by wispy fog, tossed into peaks by the wind like meringue on a pie.
Perched atop a craggy grey cliff was a small, sturdy cabin, and at it's window there sat a girl, gazing wistfully out at the sea. A grey girl, with pale skin, sad grey eyes, and scraggly, shoulder length brown hair.
She stared at her reflection in the window. Grace. The name did notfit her grey, non - descript appearance. She had never really thought about the way she looked before. Isaac had told her she was pretty.
"Oh no," She thought.She had promised herself she would not think of him, that she would not cry today.None the less, tears began streaking down her pale cheeks.
She watched the rain drops slither across the window pane. It was a dull, lifeless rain, not the sparkling, exhilerating kind of rain she loved, not the kind of rain she had danced in with Isaac so long ago...
She could not look upon anything without thinking of her Isaac, not the rain, not the sea, not the beautiful driftwood figures he had carved that adorned every shelf in the house.
Dear Isaac. She could see him now, his rosy cheeks,his bouncy black curls, his playful brown eyes. Suddenly her sadness turned to anger. Why had the sea taken him away?
Abrubtly, Grace rose to her feet. What was she doing, moping around inside feeling sorry for herself? This is not what Isaac would have wanted for her. She realized it was her, not the rain, that had changed. She was the only one stopping herself.
Grace darted out the door and into the rain. She closed her eyes. She could feel Isaac's warm, srong arms around her, she could hear him humming "The Blue Danube Waltz." "I love you Gracie,"he whispered in her ear.
She opened her eyes. She was soaked to the bone and shivering, but she barely noticed, she was so happy.If anybody saw her they'd think she was crazy. She didn't care. Maybe she was.She kicked off her heavy wooden clogs and splashed in a puddle, giggling like a little girl.
Finally she began to heed the cold. She ran back inside to fix herself a cup of tea, still laughing. She had needed this so badly. She had to move on, Isaac would have wanted her to. And if she found herself crying, well, there was always the rain.[/size]
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It's a very nice story, although, as everyone else has said, the word grey was used just a bit too much. It needs a bit more on the end, and the word grey-which is the theme-kind of dissapeared at the end.
You could put (at the end) 'the world didn't seem so grey any more' or something similar
You do use the word 'Grey' alot but like you said that was kind of the whole point, and I hink titiling 'The Sea Of Gray' made that more apparent. But maybe using 'Grey' a little more in the end might be better, or cut back on the 'Grey' in the beginning.
but this was a sweet story, maybe expand on it. But its nice.
no it wasnt stupid at all jennafina, i liked it but i just thought the sea of grey kinda fit the story better,no offense.
The sea of grey is good. Mine was pretty stupid, I was just throwing out radom ideas.
Indeed, my vote is slightly biased.
Thanks for responding everybody!
As for the title, I like the sea of grey and I like the blue danube waltz, but i think I'll go with the sea of grey because it's more relevant. Thaks anyway, Jenna.
Yeah, the word grey is overused, but I liked it. Didn't seem too mushy. The tone was just right, and so was the length. The character was strong and I had a pretty good image in my mind.
you could call it The Blue Danube Waltz.. Or not, perhaps its to irelevent. Yah.. Sorry thats all i have.
You should probobly call it Grey.
Or Grey Sunday
Sea of Grey
The Seaside
The Grey
That about all I got for now.
Thanks! Any title suggestions, anyone?
This is good. Maybe in the beginning there was a tiny bit too much GREY, but then again that is sort of the point. So whatever. The only other thing I saw was in some places the language was a bit too flowery, it seemed kind of pretentious. For example:
"She could not look upon anything..."
Mightn't just 'look at' be better?
And there are a few other places like that were it seems like you could tone it down a bit. Also it's not really clear why she suddenly decides to stop feeling sorry for herself. Couldn't she have done that months ago? Why now?
Overall though, it was sweet and well done if slightly mushy. Nice job!
Thanx Jennafina!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :frosty:
Your story is cute and short and sweet!! I like it! Its got lots of cool descriptions, I like how you compare the water to the color of slate.
I don't have any ideas for a title, though. Sorry, but I cant think of anything good.
I don't want to sound like a hipocrite, but there is a q in the middle of a was when you are talking about how she gets dreanched to the bone. I have a ton of typos in my stuff too though so I probably shouldn't say anything..
Again, awesome story!! Your sister is right! You should post more cool stuff!!
ya i know i used the word grey alot, but that was kinda the whole point, that the world seemed grey to her because she was so sad.Maybe i overdid it though. see when i wrote this i didnt really know where it would go, i was just staring out the window and scribbling in my notebook, and it was a really dismal day. when im stuck i just start describing things...
It was a grey day. The sea was not green or blue even clear, just a vast, endless, opaque grey, the color of slate. There were no quaint little boats, nor was it dotted with tiny green islands. There were only the grey gulls skimming the waves, crying racously
I think you used the word GREY too much.
Perched atop a craggy grey cliff was a small, sturdy cabin, and at it's window there sat a girl, gazing wistfully out at the
sea. A grey girl, with pale skin, sad grey eyes, and scraggly, shoulder length brown hair.
She stared at her reflection in the window. Grace. The name did notfit her grey, non - descript appearance. She had never really thought about the way she looked before. Isaac had told her she was pretty.
There you go with the grey again!
The rest was decent I suppose. I really liked the comparison to her sad soul to the rain. Just get rid of the word grey and you're all set.