Published June 13, 2005
At the crack of dawn
the fog came down
and gave the earth a gossamer gown.
Like angels hair it filled the air,
the trees were an evergreen comb.
It completely recreated
the planet we call home.
Like a shroud of lace it spread its grace
over every hill and dale,
until the shimmering sun came out
and lifted up the veil.
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141,360 Literary Works • 674,381 Reviews
Hey, good job with this poem. I really liked it. It's short and sweet, and still it has good imagery. Your word choice was quite acceptional as well. I love your use of the word "gossamer". That's not a word that you see many people using, which makes your poem all the more unique.
I love how you took something so simple as the fog and created a great poem out of it.
This was impressive! The first stanza really captures the reader's attention, and I think gossamer worked fine actually.
The thing that bothered me is that in the first stanza, the rhyme pattern is a, b, b. When I read it, I had already fallen into a rhythm. In the second stanza, the rhyme pattern is a, b, c, b which really threw me off.
I think you should find some way to combine lines 3 & 4 in stanza 2 so that you eliminate the 'c' rhyme recreated. Maybe something like 'it caused a rebirth of our home' but more poetic than me. ^-^
In the third stanza, the rhyme pattern is the same as the second. I think all you have to do to this one is combine the last two lines, maybe not without any changes.
Overall, I give you an A. Good job! Oh, and angels hair is angel's hair. Though I'm sure you already knew that, hehe.
-cat4prowl
I completely agree with everyone that this is a very beautiful poem, even if it is short! You're very talented to have caught some beauty through so little words, and I can't wait to see more work like this one! Great job!
I completely disagree with Writersdomain, I think the word gossamer just doesn't work here. It has to be one of the most overused words in poetry, so much so that it's lost its power. I suggest experimenting with other words you could put there, preferably ones that start with 'g.'
Otherwise, I especially like the last stanza. It gives the poem a finished edge. Good job!
This is a cool poem. Its like a haiku had a love child with a sonnet,lol. I totally get the imagery. this was a really cool poem. The part about the evergreen trees being combs this was cool
It has a really nice, atherial, whispy quality. I really like it.
Yep, short and sweet. You really captured the mood. However, I too didn't like the "planet we call home" line. Just didn't seem to fit. But apart from that, good work.
Hey-
:frosty: :lots_hearts:
that is TOTALLY AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!! It ROX MY SOX!!!
It's short and sweet and your words and descriptions are so beautiful. It's amazing that you're only 13 and you can write like that.
like I said, I love it. Supergreat job.
This was really pretty and kind of cool, but I usually let my crit speak for itself, so here is some crit.
Good, strong, beautiful beginning. I like your word gossamer. My only suggestion here is using some more colorful words in the second line than 'came down' even though it rhymes. Perhaps 'swirled down' or 'swirled round' but that is up to you and the image you are trying to create here.
This was the stanza that bothered me. Firstly, the 'angel's hair' is a little strange because it is hard to imagine angel's hair. If you think of it as delicate, thin strands, it doesn't sound right. I think you should use a different simile. I did really like the 'evergreen comb' part though. That was very clever and made up for the first line which I didn't like. The two last lines were the ones I didn't like most. First of all, your rhythm is off on those last two lines and doesn't follow the first two lines so it sounds weird if you read it aloud. Secondly, those last two lines just didn't sound in the first place. The idea is good, but it is not well worded. I also didn't like the 'planet we call home' part, but it isn't that bad.
Very nice first line in this stanza and I liked your 'dale' in the second line. Nice usage of shimmering as well. I think you should omit the word 'up' in the last line to make it sound more poetic. I also suggest you describe veil with an adjective lest the ending of your poem sound plain because the rest of your poem is not plain; it is beautiful.
One last thing. In case you didn't notice, you did change rhyming scheme in the 1st line, but I do understand why you did it
this was really well-written, but needs some work. Good Job
Oh, and btw, welcome to YWS! Let me assure you, this is a really good start for you here, with this good poem. I am (if you haven't noticed already) Writersdomain and you can PM me anytime you have any questions or want me to crit/comment on any of your stuff. See ya around, bye