Published May 12, 2008
She cupped the wriggling larvae in her palms
and whispered her plea,
her words as frail as spider silk:
You and I have butterfly dreams.
Teach me how to metamorphose.
She had been suffocated for far too long,
her cellophane skin like a drab chrysalis.
It was high time she wriggled free,
Learned to ride the breeze on delicate painted wings.
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141,299 Literary Works • 674,335 Reviews
as its a imperative, where as the rest of the poem is more floaty and soft. I think you should change it to something which continues the flow better like 'show me how to metamorphose.'
I liked the line as it is as its a light and ties up poem neatly.
Overall I liked the poem as it seems like a simple poem, that was used imagary in a tidy way, and yet espresses the ideas.
-Flora
Gr. Poems. Anyway...
Whoo-hoo!! Go similes!
I like the end to this poem, but, in my opinion, it's a word to long. Maybe if you got rid of "delicate," or "painted," it would be better. Although, you don't have to change it if you want to.
~ OVERALL:
I liked it. Every line exclaims "I'm a poem! Hear me roar!" Weird analogy, but I'm trying to say that it really poetic, and really pretty. The smilies you used were spectacular - my english class has taught me to appreciate literary devices.
The fact that you were speaking about a larvae is just so simple, yet so nice and easy to read about. The poem really spoke out - and it wasn't one of those crappy non-rhyme poems either, where you're pretty much telling a story that's choppy and annoying.
Yeah. I'm in middle school and out literary magazine just got published, and it's teeming with poems from 6th - 8th graders with poems exactly like that. Onto the topic...
As I said above, I liked it a lot. There wasn't much critiquing because there wasn't much to critique (it was also a relatively short poem). There was almost no imperfections, poetic-wise and grammar-wise.
~*Sara*~
Thank you! ^_^
Edit: I was thinking of perhaps revising the last line, changing it so something like this:
Made the first tentative flutter of fragile painted wings.
I think it sounds a bit less cliche than what I have there now? Opinions?
Exquisite piece. I really loved the line about "her cellophane skin". I don't know if that's classified as a metaphor or what but it sounds beautiful.
The only thing I didn't like was the use of the word grub in the first line. I think that particular moniker gives us the wrong image, but I could be wrong.