Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,752 Literary Works • 673,686 Reviews
This is a very bleak and meaningful poem. The images connect with me in a way that few do and the ideas are thought provoking and rich with possibility. Thank you for sharing this.
So, I was trolling around looking for something to review. I'm now jumping for joy/wondering how I missed seeing this earlier.
Basically, my only "issue" is that using similes feels a bit weak after the first stanza - it's just too much for me. "inside" in the fourth stanza I find wordy, and want it to simply be "in", but that doesn't work out rhythmically, so I'm back to square one.
[ok, I lied; I do have more than one issue, but it's not really "issues" just like...it's not quite where it could be, and I do this because you love me. Or something] I'm having trouble with the third stanza. By itself, it's intriguing, but where does it place within the larger poem? If it's meant as a turn, then it doesn't make sense to me in the middle, since the poem doesn't hinge on the narrator's opinions on philosophy - oh, I know what it is. It feels like more than one narrator, with that stanza, at least as-is. The break it forces doesn't do anything for me; I'm not sure if I'd like it moved to the end, but it makes more sense to me there. Otherwise, I could read this without it entirely, but keeping the title. Maybe it's just the word "compatibility" - I can definitely connect it to the rest of the poem, but it's not a quick mental leap for me. Maybe this is part of Heather's point about wanting more from that stanza? Otherwise, after I mentally placed it at the end, the leap came much more easily - like, in the middle like that may be how we think it, but it doesn't work so well when presented. And on that note, I'm not quite sure I haven't talked my way in to a massive circle ^^
Otherwise, I still wish I could steal and bottle your way with words. I'm also rather enjoying the interspersed rhyming - it ties the entire poem together really nicely, especially with how well it emphasized what I'm reading as a very rolling rhythm. Stop making me love your words, Jack, it's not fair when you only show up with them like, once every two years!
<3
I'm not sure why I never acknowledged you actually reviewing this! The third stanza is certainly the main thorn in my side with this poem. I changed it about four or five times, considered getting rid of it, but I think the poem needs it. I used "Compatibility" because it's both a philosophical school (about the nature of freedom, which I hope this poem touches on -- the part about whether apples know when they fall) but also because compatibility of people, which this poem was supposed to be about too, at least in an earlier draft. Its meaning has moved more towards philosophical however (freedom, when to act, morality), so I suppose it needs so more editing. Belated thanks!
I'm not sure why I never acknowledged you actually reviewing this! The third stanza is certainly the main thorn in my side with this poem. I changed it about four or five times, considered getting rid of it, but I think the poem needs it. I used "Compatibility" because it's both a philosophical school (about the nature of freedom, which I hope this poem touches on -- the part about whether apples know when they fall) but also because compatibility of people, which this poem was supposed to be about too, at least in an earlier draft. Its meaning has moved more towards philosophical however (freedom, when to act, morality), so I suppose it needs so more editing. Belated thanks!
Hi Jack! I'm here, though I'm not sure this can be called a review. More 'comments' if I may.
Title: The title is perfect. It grabbed my attention immediately and it's a perfect shard of the poem.
Stanza One: I'm not sure about 'criminal'. It feels almost too flippant, like it's not quite right. I wonder if you couldn't use paradox, but that's probably too obvious and boring. Sorry I can't think of a decent replacement but my gut just feels that 'criminal' isn't right. I love the rest of this stanza, especially the word play with meanders and wonder.
Stanza Two: I love, love this metaphor or personification or whatever you want to call it. There's a lovely flow to the lines and this stanza is entirely beautiful. If I'm unsure about anything, it would be the wording of that last line, but the subtle rhyme of earth and birthed tucks it so neatly into place that I forget any grievance I did have.
Stanza Three: I'd have liked more here. These two lines on their own feel strangely disconnected, though they do deliver an excellent idea. I'd have liked to hear more about how your persona does this, what does philosophy tell him about who he's compatible with? What are the rules?
Stanza Four: I'm not sure about the sudden change of direction in line two. Maybe I'm missing something but it felt slightly blunt/ awkward to me and I'd have rather seen something like, 'inside the shade of summer afternoons./ between the blades' etc.
Stanza Five: Beautiful ending. I have no complaints here and it's smooth and clear and finishes off the extended metaphor nicely.
Overall
This is great, Jack. It's both serious and a good piece of fun and I really enjoyed the comparison. It sets the mind to thinking and does everything a good poem should. It's lovely to see you're still writing and you should be very pleased with this,
Heather xxx
This is absolutely remarkable, with a deep sense of maturity and experience! The word choice clearly depicts sensous imagery and conveys your voice strongly making us understand the message of your poem. It is without doubt that this was well thought out. If there are any faults, it will probably be in grammar but I review concord. There is definetly harmony in it. In my opinion, the poem gives me the impression that it was written with ease. An emotion simply painted with brushstrokes of beauty. The beauty lies in the words and harmony in understanding. You definitely have a flame burning. So, tend your flame!
This is a piece of class, right here. Just thought I'd use my first post in three years or so to let you know that.
I'm honoured!