The English People v The Crown (1)

Pengi is two seven reviews ahead of me, but if I catch up to her and we draw, and if I review this for you, then you'll declare me the winner, won't you?

Specifics

1. I actually disagree with Hannah (sorry Hannah!) on not opening with a quote. I structured almost all of my university essays around finding a quote to introduce the material, something that I felt expressed a point that I could either agree with, or more often, strike down.

And I like the Poe reference. Maybe it's me being British, but I felt it fits perfectly with the tone as it's that kind of mockery/ mimicking of the age-old tradition of literary references and precedent. The first stanza made me feel I was back in my law class and listening to an introduction half pomp and half wit to a case that was about to be put before me.

2. I don't think you need that comma in your second line. It's breaking the flow. This is quite a difficult stanza to read in all as it's fairly long with not many pauses and a few of the words. What I'd suggest is having a stop after 'flutters' but also changing that word. I don't think it's very strong and maybe you could use something more solid like 'wing' or 'feathers' or 'beak'? Then I'd recommend continuing with 'For a chance'.

3. I'm not sure about the 'against' in the last line of stanza one. It's disrupting the flow a tiny bit. Maybe use 'through' or 'to'?

4. Good rhythm and tone in the second stanza. Not sure about your last line though. It's not as solid as your others. I think it's because it's covering three items in one line. It might be better to aim for two, maybe the horse and the axe so he doesn't have multiple weapons.

5. I like that stanza three seems to skip to exhibit B and it's like 'you haven't given A yet, this is all circumstance'. But it might be more obvious if you jumped to D? Or maybe that's pushing it too far, I'm not sure. Either way, I like it and I also like the reference to the tapestry. Am I right in thinking Beyeux, which means we're on the battle of Hastings. So... you're testing my history now! But Kind William is under fire?

6. I think you need a 'the' before roughened to fix your flow. And as much as I love arbitrarily, it doesn't fit. It's just breaking your rhythm so I think it needs to go.

7. That last one's a bit of a tongue twister, isn't it! I like it though and it makes for a very neat ending and feels very true of the times.

Overall

It feels like I might need to go read some history books if I want to follow along with this series, but I like it. I like that you're taking history and making it accessible in an almost GCSE style piece of poetry - and I mean that as a compliment! Their's a strong theme, some good imagery and a killer bit of rhythm that just needs tidying up in places.

There's a slight conflict between the scholarly approach and the language that goes with such - exhibit B; dispossessed - and then these words like 'flutters' that feel very out of place because they're light and almost throw away or casual. If you shut down on that and get a little more consistency, the tone would be the reigning element of this!

Annnd I'm going to go prepare for my dinner party now before I try to make a second bad joke. Good luck with your endeavour Jack!

Heather xxx

The first stanza feels entirely disconnected from the rest of the poem. I think it's more of a prologue. I also think in this particular place the Poe reference detracts from the originality of the series of poems you're trying to introduce. It's like a teacher once told me -- don't open or close your papers with a quote. This is your work and you need to lead the reader in and let them out. If others help you move your work along, fine, but if their words are the ones you need, don't write the paper and direct your readers to what already exists. Besides that, it seems mostly pointless to me? An evocation of a guy with a mustache? A level of deepness that seems cheap compared with what you can dig to on your own. Also the ending of the first stanza peters out where you try to play more with letters and raven gestures than introduce your topic.

From there, we've got pretty solid rhyme and a completely different voice: the collective PEOPLE rather than the omnipresent narrator from the first stanza (probably not the right term, but it's 2am). It works! I don't think "What a bastard" works with it, but otherwise the tone is strong to the end. It's the material that makes me a little confused. The tapestry. Is there in fact a specific tapestry you're referring to? I like the echoes that the words "force" and "unwilling" bring up, the extra dimensions they give, but if there's not a specific tapestry in history that I could find if I dug, it seems a hollow and ridiculous second charge. If there IS a specific tapestry, I think a slightly brighter hint as to the origin might be necessary. I wouldn't even know where to start googling if I wanted to. Plus "frankly awful" is way too modern and silly for the feeling I get from most of this.

I'd say "his claims on us" in the last stanza.

If all these changes were made, we'd have an original and gorgeous prologue with a quick-paced first poem to your series that has deeper echoes but gets us in the mood.

PM or wall post me with questions or comments, 'cause your replies to my review will be unnoticed by me. D:

Hello there, friend.

First of all, I really like your meter. It's not sing-songy, like many poems with this kind of rhyme scheme tend to be. Well done. Also, your word choice is excellent. And that Poe reference? Very nice. That was enjoyable.

I think that, however, this could be improved upon a little bit. The one thing that I noticed is the huge difference between the first stanza and the rest of them. Perhaps you meant to do it this way. In that case, ignore this paragraph. In the second, third, and last stanza, it's a very courtroom-y feeling, with an accusing tone on top of that. In the first stanza, I'm not getting the same vibe at all. In my opinion, the first stanza should set the tone for the rest of the piece. By that rule (while it's still a very good stanza), this beginning needs a little work. But then again, if you wanted it to be a bit of a change in tone and mood after that, leave it.

My favorite stanza is the third one, in which you speak of "Roughened threads forced into place." Gosh. That line. Don't ask me why I love it.

Anyway, I can't wait for the rest of the series. Nice job. Happy writing!