Young Writers Society

As requested.

Heyo Jacko, great to see you alive and kickin'. Not that I think you know who I am, but I'm sure we will get acquainted soon enough. I've skimmed over the reviews you've got, so hopefully I will be shredding this piece apart mercilesslyof some help. Anyways, let's go.

I like to comment on this story as a reader before diving into the more technical aspects of this review, I do really like the concept of this story, the setting, the characters and the humane aspects portrayed in it. There is a very solid, grounded feel with your writing. So that's a great thing. That being said, I do have a few things to say. I'm not going to be terribly nit-picky about this, I'm just going to sum it up for you, nice and neat. Hopefully.

So your world-building, it's either all or nothing. Yours is stuck somewhere in between. Your world building needs to be portrayed more here. I have no doubt that you know about your world, considering the details you've put in this story. There was definitely some planning there but there isn't enough backstory in this story. Keep in mind that this is a short story (despite the length), it is a specific frame within the protagonist's life. We don't get anymore, if you want to present something then you need to do it all here. The world-building itself isn't bad, however there are a lot of unexplained things. For example, just exactly where are they? What kind of society is this? Yes, I get a vague idea of what it's like (obviously they condemned the Arts and functions as a Spartan state) but what exactly is going on with the war? You focused a lot on Julius, inserting snippets of background here and there but it doesn't all link up. I'd actually either focus on Julius and incorporate the background along with Julius's emotions or try and contextualise the entire story (which can be rather finicky, but it's up to you). Just something to chew on.
(There isn't enough humane aspects portray in it)

Speaking of world building, let's talk a bit about your description. Your descriptions aren't bad, in fact they're quite original in their own way. You obviously know your way around the English language, but your description are purely there for the sake of describing things. Good descriptions at the end of the day should aim to breathed emotion into your writing.

Stella mentioned your dialogue, I'm going to mention it again. I remember seeing the word 'balls' somewhere in this piece and I was thought 'hmmm', it doesn't really fit in the context with your story considering this is obviously not set in our world. And 'balls' is obviously an invention of the modern world. It's like imagining Plato saying 'balls' actually he might have. You get my point. Be consistent with your tone. Your dialogue, for the most part sound like volley shots being exchanged with some emotion thrown in between. The dialogue itself doesn't adorn the character but acts as a stand-alone, not all but in some. This enlightening article gives you a great insight into writing dialogue, and this here gives you a few tips on what to avoid.

Now that's out of the way. Let's talk characters. I very much like the style in which you present your characters, it's very soothing in a way. Especially the amount of details you incorporate in them, however, I feel that in here. You don't show the humane side of them very much. There is a lot of action, a lot of reminiscing going on, but not some much reflection. Which is what I'm dying to see in a piece like this, I felt somewhat disappointment that we didn't get to see that much of Julius's feelings when he killed Alexander. I really wanted to see the psychology behind that. His interaction with Bird too, intrigues me a lot, they become awfully close within a very short amount of time. The switch from B-1RD to Bird actually baffled me a bit because it was so swift. Programming or no programming. Julius, I felt as a character didn't have enough time to develop. There was a lot of happening but not enough time to expand it out fully. Sometimes, less is more.

Your vocabulary is fabulous by the way (I don't say that to everyone).

The ending as Stella said, also annoys me quite a bit too. It seemed very abrupt, Bird didn't seem like the type to twist off someone's head. Provoked or not. I would have thought she would have performed that action in a different way. He went from caring to non-caring pretty quick too, what happened there?

I usually end my reviews with a summary of what I've said, but I've been switching between this and my resume I have good faith you know what I'm talking about. It's been a pleasure to read this work, the vocabulary, the style in which it's written is of a higher standard than what I mostly encounter.

I hoped I've helped, and if you have any questions, please feel free to ask me or shoot me a PM.

-Flite

Hey Jack!

You asked, and I obliged.

So this was... interesting. There was a lot going on. I liked Julius, I loved Bird. I liked the flashback-y moments of utter fear and PTSD, I thought they were well done. I liked the mish-mash of old and new, I always think that that's something fun to play with when writing this kind of futuristic story.

I have a few smaller nitpick-y complaints, so let's begin with those:

The simple beat of counting kept him sane on the long, droning flight back home. List number one - what the war had cost him. Half his left arm and his whole right leg, two years of his life, four friends, sobriety, adolescence, two teeth, and a dog. List number two - the items in his possession. One bloodied battledress tunic, two packs of smokes, a machete stolen from the natives, a black and white photo of Alexander, frayed and bent. An illegal nanochip harvested from the charred ruins of a rebel android tucked in his chest pocket. Two bottles of the finest Carruther’s gin (one half empty). His MFD glasses loaded with passport and discharge papers. A burnt and blackened dog collar on his right wrist. A gold lighter inscribed with the initials CBK.

The windscreen exploded in black feathers with an almighty thump.

“Yes, Alexander was strong. Alexander was brave. Alexander was a patriot. And Alexander died,” his father growled. “When you were born, you killed your mother. Just a malformed baby and already you had killed. And when they told me you were too weak to live, I took you and left you in the mountains. Four days later I returned to find you not dead, but thriving. Alexander should have been Leonidas reborn, but he was brittle. He was always safe. You should have died under that mountain, but you survived. You have always been a survivor, Julius. Remember who killed him?”

SPOILERS

Wow, this is . . . really good. The symbolism, the characters, the characterization, the dialogue, the action, hell - the setting and . . . mythos (I guess you call it that ) is my favorite - everything about this story is great. The only two things I have questions about is what does MFD stand for - the best I could come up with was Multi Function Display (since ya' know, their glasses and all) - and when Julius changes Bird's nanochip, is he technically a male cyborg with a female mind or does the body change as well (I'm guessing the initial)?

The reason I like the setting a lot is kind of a personal bias. See, I've always liked the Antiquity/Medieval period mixed with Futuristic technology theme (see Quake, Chrono Trigger, and Strife), it's an entertaining theme that's almost always connected to good products within media.

The reason I like the mythos is because, well, it's so damn grasping. The revolution, the war, the political conflict, it was all cool (and I really the robots were their own distinct species from the humans instead of being just, ya' know, mindless machines).

This review is verbose. Anyway, my final recommendation is to definitely read this, it's dark and ripe with great drama, and it's ending is really good too. I hope you continue to write more.
-Hunt