Young Writers Society

Hello! I have a bit of advice to give you:


“Shut up” hissed Jake before Vejeta could say anymore.
{excalamation point?}


“You fool, you nitwit! if anyone heard us in there just think what would happen?” shouted Jake; Lara looking equally angry.

“Tomorrow's Saturday, how will we meet?” said Lara, changing the subject.
{ I myself, am a sucker for detail, so this really sprang out at me. Before you jump in with Laura's line, you said she looked equally angry, yet right away she wants to change the subject. Usually if someone is that angry, they don't just change the subject. Maybe you could give Vejeta an appology line or something first to defuse the situation and gain sympathy from Laura?}


No way I’m not going to invite her to my house, besides she’s your girlfriend” rejected Vejeta, smiling at the last words. { you missed the beginning ", but that's easily fixed. Instead of the coma you did, try this: "No way am I going to invite her to my house!" Vajeta exclaimed. "Besides, she's your girlfriend, not mine," he pointed out. }


Not a second later, Vejeta jumped out. He had shape shifted to super sayan Vejeta from the show Dragon-ball Z. {first thing, it's shape-shifted. Also, try re-wording a bit. "His form had changed; he now resembled a different Vejeta, one with platinum blonde hair sticking straight up from the electricity that covered his body." You have to realise that not everyone is going to know what you're talking about.}

There's more, but I don't have enough time to cite everything, so I'll get back to the rest later. All-in-all, if you worked on this a bit more, I believe this could come out to be a very interesting story.

Keep up the good work!

-MQ

one thing that didnt make sense was that the shapeshift but doesnt that just mean the take on another form and NOT their abilities im not sure but if its true you might want to explain it in a chapter eventialy...but all in all its a great story!

Okay I don't really understand this story. But maybe thats just me... I don't watch dragonball Z. I watched one episode. This isn't your best poece of work. I think you need more description. You're a talented writer, and this story had some potiential. Good Luck with you're furure writing!!!

Firestalker wrote:This is a story that is about a group of shape shifters. Everyone says this story is good but i know better so i'm asking the YWS for advice.Please critique this Comments in red



Chapter 1

Battles



“Hey Vejeta hurry up!” shouted Jake, carrying his school bag on his shoulders as he ran he ran to keep up with the other students ahead of him.
“Is he still drawing?” asked Lara, joining the line of students, her voice smooth and soft.
Jake nodded, then sighed.
“What is he drawing this time, a physically and mentally enhanced worm, or maybe one of his characters from a cartoon?” asked Lara sarcastically. Okay, I personally am against using the same word twice, (Laura 'asked' something twice) so instead of "Laura asked sarcastically" maybe try "Laura sneered" or something.
Jake laughed. Lara usually didn’t joke like this. If she doesn't usually do that, shouldn't he wonder why she's doing it now?
“Hey guys!, Look at what I drew. I wonder how I’ll look when I change into …….Only three dots here. More throws off readers.” Vejeta’s voice cut into the conversation.
“Shut up,” hissed Jake before Vejeta could say anymore.
Luckily, no one had heard; the sound of the children Are they children? I got the impression they were teens shouting had drowned out their conversation. All three of them didn’t speak until they were out on the streets.
“You fool![s], y[/s]You nitwit! if anyone heard us in there just think what would happen?” That's not really a question. I would go with a period or exclamation point. shouted Jake[s];[/s]. Lara looking equally angry.
“Tomorrow's Saturday, how will we meet?” said Lara, changing the subject.
“We’ll tell our parents that we’re meeting at Vejeta’s house,” replied Jake, smiling.
"No way! I’m not going to invite her to my house.[s], b[/s]Besides, she’s your If he's making fun here, "your" should be italicized girlfriend,” [s]rejected[/s] objected Vejeta, smiling at the last words.
“Shut up Vejeta,” snapped Jake, blushing. Lara blushed too.
“Let’s meet in the woods then "decided Jake. A few grammar mistakes here. Should be, "...woods then," decided Jake."
They divided near the woods; Jake went through the woods, Again, repeated words distract readers. Might want to try a rephrase. a shortcut to his house. As he walked, he heard a rustling of leaves behind him.
“Nature,” whispered Jake.
Nothing happened for a while, then suddenly two vines ripped through the skin on Jake’s hand. Jake I think here it's safe to say "he winced..." winced in pain, it always hurt So he's been attacked by vines before? Because that's how this sounds. His skin turned[s],[/s] blue, but the skin on his face turned green, his eyes dark blue, all four fingers became one large finger, then two large red claws came out of each hand.
Not a second later, Vejeta jumped out. [s]He[/s] Jake had shape shifted to super sayan Vejeta from the show Dragon-ball Z. Alrighty then...
“Ready to die yet?” sneered Vejeta. Wait, Vejeta's attacking him?
In an instant Vejeta jumped towards Nature Who's nature? I thought this was Jake? and started hitting him. Nature deflected the blows easily. Vejeta changed tactics, jumping[s]ed[/s] five meters above ground and kicking[s]ed[/s] Nature, but Nature's long, whip like vines entangled around Vejeta’s leg and turned him, getting faster by the minute, then threw Hm, sounds awkward. Maybe try, "...minute, before throwing him..." him at a large tree nearby.


Suddenly, a large red beam headed towards Nature, catching him off guard. Nature fell on the ground, then suddenly, [s]Nature’s[/s] his eyes glowed purple. Vejeta unexpectedly was thrown through the air.
“I win” said Jake simply. So Jake is Nature? I'm confused.
“I don’t think so,” said a female voice.
“Lara?” said Jake, turning around.
Swiftly four knives whizzed at him and pinned him to a tree. Lara had shape shifted to Knifer. She wore a black leather suit covering her whole body and sticking to her skin. She approached him, a dagger appeared on her arm out of thin air. Knifer stopped less than two feet away from Nature. She toyed with the dagger.
“Get on with it,” hissed Nature.
“As you wish,” replied Knifer and stabbed Nature in the heart, smiling.
“You haven't won yet,” said Nature How is he saying it? Stubbornly, defiantly? and turned back to Jake, blood flowing out of his mouth. His hands and legs were numb, but all his external wounds were healed.
As Nature had predicted Vejeta returned. In an instant, Knifer threw hundreds of knives at [s]Vejeta[/s] him, Vejeta dodged some knives, but eventually two knives pierced his chest. Vejeta the super sayan changed back to the human Vejeta.
“Come on guys let's go” said Knifer changing back to Lara and helping Vejeta and Jake up. So they were all friendly, then they tried to kill each other, now they're all friendly again?

The only thing to fear is fear itself

Hey again,

Gotta pay you back for all of your really great reviews! I took our advice on them and fixed them up so thanks extra!


Comments:

This is by far your strongest piece that I've read. Not only is it significantly better edited, the use of dialogue and action is exactly what your other pieces need. You spring into the main characters and immediately present interest to the readers. Well done.

I've watched some dragon ball, though I'm not a hardcore fan, I was always a huge fan of Vejeta despite or maybe because of his evil tendencies. Not a huge fan of Gohan, though, Picaalo was cool. (sorry if I spell their names wrong, lol)

This is an interesting idea. I expected them to shift into animals so this was a surprise. I think more explanation of what a super sayan is (though i already know) is definitely needed, as is an explanation for the other character's form.

I was a little confused about the ending. Who actually won and why are they ok with hurting each other so badly?




Things To Consider:

“Hey Vejeta hurry up!”- comma after "vejeta"

delete one "he ran"

Shut up Vejeta” snapped Jake blushing- Shut up, Vejeta!” snapped Jake, blushing.

“Let’s meet in the woods then "decided Jake.- comma after "woods" and unless there is some other punctuation at th end of the inside of quotation marks, you need a comma.

“Nature” whispered Jake- “Nature,” whispered Jake

your brilliant imagination will lead you to a great future

Great start,your view about shape shifters is great,and your view about battles.perfect.

But you had not added some of the essential punctuations and sometimes you had added more than neccesary.

I assure you that I enjoyed your story.

Hope you write more

~Chirantha-remember me?

Oh yes. I watch them online these days and I've watched all of dragonball and 209 of the dragonball z series. After that I plan to move onto the movies and Dragonball GMTV.

Oh and I'm glad my critique was helpful =)

Now that's a critique. The best in century's.

THANKS VERY MUCH. i re-edited it again.

GLAD!!!!! you liked it too.

A dragonball z fan I presume? Interesting...



you presumed right are you a dragon ball z fan too????

A dragonball z fan I presume? Interesting...

“Hey Vejeta hurry up!” shouted Jake, carrying his school bag on his shoulders as he ran[s] he ran [/s]to keep up with the other students ahead of him.
“Is he still drawing?” asked Lara, joining the line of students, her voice smooth and soft.
Jake nodded then sighed.
“What is he drawing this time, a physically and mentally enhanced worm or maybe one of his characters from a cartoon?” asked Lara sarcastically.
Jake laughed. Lara usually didn’t joke like this.
“Hey guys!, [Only one punctuation mark here so choose the comma or the exclamation mark but not both.] Look at what I drew. I wonder how I’ll look when I change into …….” Vejeta’s voice cut into the conversation.
“Shut up” hissed Jake before Vejeta could say anymore.
Luckily, no one had heard; the sound of the children shouting had drowned their conversation. All three of them didn’t speak until they were out on the streets.
“You fool!, [Only one punctuation mark here so choose the comma or the exclamation mark but not both.] you nitwit !!, [Only one punctuation mark here so choose the comma or an exclamation mark but not all three.] if anyone heard us in there just think what would happen?” shouted Jake; Lara looking equally angry.
“Tomorrow's Saturday, how will we meet?” said Lara, changing the subject.
“We’ll tell our parents that we’re meeting at Vejeta’s house” replied Jake, smiling.
No way I’m not going to invite her to my house, besides she’s your girlfriend” rejected Vejeta, smiling at the last words.
“Shut up Vejeta” snapped Jake blushing. Lara blushed too.
“Let’s meet in the woods then "decided Jake.
They divided near the woods; Jake went through the woods, a shortcut to his house. As he walked, he heard a rustling of leaves behind him.
“Nature” whispered Jake
Nothing happened for a while then suddenly two vines ripped through the skin on Jake’s hand. Jake winced in pain, it always hurt. His skin turned, [No comma here.] blue but the skin on his face turned green, his eyes dark blue, all four fingers became one large finger [s](excluding the thumb)[/s][No need for this. People don't count the thumb as a finger and you said four already.], then two large red claws came out of each hand.
Not a second later, Vejeta jumped out. He had shape shifted to super sayan Vejeta from the show Dragon-ball Z.
“Ready to die yet?” sneered Vejeta.
In an instant Vejeta jumped towards Nature and started hitting him. Nature deflected the blows easily. Vejeta changed tactics, jumped five meters above ground and kicked Nature, but Nature's long, whip like vines entangled around Vejeta’s leg and turned him, getting faster by the minute, then threw him at a large tree nearby.
Suddenly, a large red beam headed towards Nature, catching him off guard. Nature fell on the ground then suddenly, Nature’s eyes glowed purple. Vejeta suddenly [Don't use suddenly so often.] [s]flouted in air and[/s] was thrown through the air.
“I win” said Jake simply
“I don’t think so” said a female voice
“Lara?” said Jake turning around
Suddenly [Again, pick a different word or describe the speed in an imaginative word. A thesaurus would help here.] four knives whizzed at him and pinned him to a tree. Lara had shape shifted to Knifer. She wore a black leather suit covering her whole body and sticking to her skin. She approached him, a dagger appeared on her arm out of thin air. Knifer stopped less than two feet away from Nature. She toyed with the dagger.
“Get on with it” hissed Nature
“As you wish” replied Knifer and stabbed Nature in the heart with [s]her dagger[/s] smile.
“You haven't won yet” said Nature and turned back to Jake, blood flowing out of his mouth. His hands and legs were numb, but all his external wounds were healed.
As Nature had predicted Vejeta returned. In an instant, Knifer threw hundreds of knives at Vejeta, Vejeta dodged some knives, but eventually two knives pierced his chest. Vejeta the super sayan changed back to the human Vejeta.
“Come on guys let's go” said Knifer changing back to Lara and helping Vejeta and Jake up.

_________________
Other than that it was pretty good and you have a brilliant imagination.

Your right i'll re-edit the story. Glad to hear that you like it.

I think it is really good you just have to watch some smaller details like here when you say "Not a second later Vejeta jumped out. He had shape shifted to super sayan Vejeta in the Dragon ball Z." It should be from the show instead of in the.

You also need to go through and check for samll typos like here "“You haven won yet” said Nature " Other than those changes I think it's great.