Young Writers Society

Well, I must say that the beginning really drew me into the story. I'm all for gory descriptions - they intrigue me - but the ending was kind of a let-down. I'm not going to quote every line and tell you exactly what to write for it, but I'll say that near the end, it started going from very well written and descriptive to a "I just want to finish this right now" kind of feeling. The ending seemed rushed, is what I'm trying to say. Other than that, it was really interesting.

I wouldn't put the (August) next to the month though. Leaving it the way it is helps to present your world more. Using the real month name as well breaks away from the universe you've created.

Oh my gosh i loved it i couldnt look away i was liturally on the edge of my seat..but there were a few grammer errors

I like what you have so far, make sure you put your flashbacks in italics. Makes it easier for the reader to comprehend. It has a lot of potential, and I hope you are working on the chapter that follows this one up. You of course, have some grammar to fix, but you know that already. You did take it a bit to fast. Put in some more detail. Other than that its awesome! PM me when you get the following chapter. I like the length by the way, it makes it easier to critique. Good luck with your writing!!!

This looks like an interesting piece of work, but some of your grammar is a bit shaky -e.g. "a worthy and proud name I started going to an all boys school I learnt in this school for about ten to eleven years." You need a full stop after "name" and another after "school." Also, don't use "about ten to eleven years." It would be better to use "about ten or eleven years." or "about ten years." Don't use the "to" because that just sounds awkward. You have some grammar work to do but otherwise it's fine.

-Cobra

Hello,


I think you have an interesting idea, and the bare bones of a great plot. The character has an interesting, tried and true story of avenging his parent's which could be great or cliched depending on how you take it. I'd like to read more of this story and find out what happens next.


Suggestions

"I stood there holding a long silver sword. Looking at the two mutilated corpses on the ground, I wiped my bloody sword. The corpses were my families murderers . . ."- As a general rule, never take two sentences to say what can be said in one. An example of how this can be reworded to flow better is "I wiped the blood from my long silver sword. I scowled at the two mutilated corpses of my family's murderers." This says much the same thing more clearly and concisely. Also, I changed look to scowled because verb strength can really add or subtract from the quality of writing. Instead of using adverbs to dress boring verbs up, just use interesting verbs. an example not from this piece would be like "He walked out of the archery range" being changed to "He slunk away from the the archery range". The second is more expressive while the first just leaves readers wondering why they should care.

Aunin (August)- if you are going to use different months then just go all out and don't translate it. How would this character know that it is called August for us? If you want to be sure we understand the season just add "when the corn had just been stripped from the fields." or some other general indicator.

My parents named me Zwin which means swift, a worthy and proud name I grew up and started going to a only boys school I learnt in this school for about ten to eleven years, rarely did I get low marks in my monthly examinations.- make sure you have punctuation. My parents named me Zwin, which means swift. It was a proud name that I would grow into. I went to an all boys school for about ten to eleven years. Rarely did I get low marks in my monthly examinations.
ok, this is quite the jump. I would suggest slowing it wayyyyy down. I want to know more about the character. If you're going to bother jumping back in time, stay there for a while with some scenes from his childhood that are relevant. Instead of just "telling" make sure you "show". Is he going to an all boys school because his father did or are girls kept at home in this world/time period. Does he reflect his name physically or mentally? Give us a s sense of character. for his family if you want us to feel bad that they have died



I used to be a quiet boy bearing everyone teasing me. Gradually when thirteen years old I changed, I became more forward.- I used to be a quiet boy, but I bore everyone teasing me with good nature. It wasn't until around thirteen years old that I changed and became more forward.

alright, for this section, if he changed gradually it wouldn't be at exactly 13. It would have happened over a space of years. Why was he quite? Was he shy, deep in thought, stupid? See how many ways we could take that?

with a little number of old friends who had changed to the same school. It was disturbing and strange to talk, learn and sit alongside girls of my same age, but that too changed as time past. In both schools I children said I was strange and surprisingly I liked it.- with a few old friends who had changed to the same school. It was disturbing to talk, learn, and sit alongside girls of my same age, but that too changed as time passed. In both schools the children said I was strange and surprisingly I liked it.

why does he like to be called strange? Why do they call him that?

then I heard my father painfully groan- delete "painfully", groan speaks for itself

he sights inside almost made me stab myself with a pocket knife.- that's an odd first impulse. Maybe "gag" or "made me want to vomit"

Slow down the end scene. What do the men look like, why cut off the father's hands first? What exactly do they ask. Make this a scene with dialogue and the boy's reactions. use this to show what his family was like. brave of coward? sarcastic or honest?

the quote at the end should be "itself"

I stood there holding a long silver sword. Looking at the two mutilated corpses on the ground, I wiped my bloody sword. The corpses were my families murderers, thoughts forgotten swam in my mind I recalled when all of this had happened.

I was born on the twentieth of Aunin (August). My parents named me Zwin which means swift, a worthy and proud name I grew up and started going to a only boys school I learnt in this school for about ten to eleven years, rarely did I get low marks in my monthly examinations. My mother was a housewife and my father worked for the king, I did not know what he did.

I used to be a quiet boy bearing everyone teasing me. Gradually when thirteen years old I changed, I became more forward. Like all thirteen year olds I had to change my school and continue my studies in a mixed school. I started to settle in my new school with a little number of old friends who had changed to the same school. It was disturbing and strange to talk, learn and sit alongside girls of my same age, but that too changed as time past. In both schools I children said I was strange and surprisingly I liked it.

So it's definitely a very interesting and intense story with lots of potenial. The grammar and punctuaion in this wasn't the best and could be improved a little as it kind of distracts th reader a wee bit. And also the whole thing does seem kind of rushed and incoherent at times to me. But it definitely is a good idea and it's already looking good, and with some editing I'm sure this could be the start of a great story!