Hey! ChocolateCello here!

Okay, I'm gonna over do this review a bit but hopefully it'll help you in future works.

This is you're first work on YWS if I'm correct. Congrats!

Okay, I'm moving chunk by chunk-

Spoiler

I walk through the dark sidewalks and past the lit up buildings. Watching as hundreds of cars hurtle by on the busy streets of NewYork, I come past the dark alley way that I take for a shortcut to apartment 12. I guide myself past the garbage cans and steel drums left out to rot. I begin to come to the end when through the adjacent alleyway I can hear a car screech to a stop. I begin to walk back to see if anyone is hurt when I hear the door behind me slam open to the already broken bricks Now crying for help. A man comes out and begins to run to the end of the alley. As he passes he says, "Did you see what happened kid?"

The first two sentences should be one. '...lit up buildings, watching as...' and 'NewYork' should be 'New York'. After 'New York' there should be a period, not a comma and 'I came past' should be the start of its own sentence. '...adjacent alleyway I can...' should be two sentences. '...adjacent alleyway. I can..."

I come past the dark alley way that I take for a shortcut to apartment 12. I guide myself past the garbage cans and steel drums left out to rot. I begin to come to the end when through the adjacent alleyway I can hear a car screech to a stop. I begin to walk back to see if anyone is hurt...

You start every single sentence here with 'I' and it gets awfully repetitive. Try to merge a few sentences or change how they're phrased. '...apartment 12, guiding myself..." Simple things like that. I trust that you'll be able to fix the rest on your own, and it's good practice to, but if you need help, ask me.

I begin to walk back to see if anyone is hurt when I hear the door behind me slam open to the already broken bricks Now crying for help.

I'm honestly not sure what you're trying to say here. Reword a bit, make it clearer. Right now, it sound like the door or maybe the bricks are crying.

As he passes he says, "Did you see what happened kid?"

This is new dialogue so this should be it's own line. Also, avoid 'said' or 'says' in writing, it's very basic. 'He asked' might do better.

Spoiler

I just stand and quietly mumble a group of words to be made out as a no. He does not comprehend my words and turns to keep running towards the end of the dark and mysterious alley. I begin to trace back against already taken paths and walk along the ashes they lay upon me.

Okay, I only have three problems here.
'Comprehend' feels forced. It stands out in the vocabulary, and not in a good way if you ask me. Additionally, how does the speaker know the man's thoughts? It should be 'does not seem to understand'.
'Trace back against' is a bit confusing too. Maybe 'follow' would be better? (Not sure on this one)

and walk along the ashes they lay upon me

Again, this is a bit unclear. Try rewording.

(Skipping over a chunk I think is okay)

Spoiler

"A taxi stopped right in front of me," I heard the girl cry.

"I tried to stop but we collided," I hear faint talking from the man.

"I don't know",I heard her screech as she burst into tears. I see the man take her hand and rush her towards me.

It's a bit unclear what's happening. A taxi almost git her but didn't? Try changing the dialogue to give the reader more information.

Spoiler

I turn around and finally reach the door in which I was excited about for the first time. I enter the violently colored velvet room and lay on my bed. I hear a trash can go clomp on the ground. I think for a moment and guess it was the raccoon. I look around my room at my piano and studio as well as my curtains waving like a flag in the wind. I can hear sirens now and see the police and fire department. I lay on the bed and can hear the almost silent footsteps creak down the old wood stairs. A small chill runs through my body for only a split second and then it fades away like dust in the wind. My dad comes through the door and says good night as he cuts off what I think of as the only protection from the unknown of the world..... light. As every step I take into the darkness of the ocean, I create a new tidal wave. I guess I am just getting deeper and deeper into thought. The next morning I wake up to the sound of my 4-year old brother and 7-year old brother bickering over the last bowl of cereal.

Again, a lot of 'I go' 'I am' 'I see' Combine sentences or change their layout to clean this up.
"I was excited about" Should be "I am excited about" Keep an eye on those tenses, they can be tricky.
Where you say 'My dad' you could start a new paragraph, it might look nicer. Also, later in that sentence you use an ellipsis (...) First off, an ellipsis should have exactly three dots, no more, no less. Secondly, it's not needed here. Replace it with either a comma or making 'Light' it's own sentence.

As every step I take into the darkness of the ocean, I create a new tidal wave. I guess I am just getting deeper and deeper into thought

Okay, I see what you're trying to say but you messed up a bit. You should be saying 'ocean of darkness' not 'darkness of the ocean'. There isn't actually an ocean, the darkness in being compared to one. Another thing, this transition between falling asleep and waking up doesn't really work. I would suggest doing something like this.
"I guess I am just getting deeper and deeper into thought.
~
The next morning I wake up to the sound of my 4-year old brother and 7-year old brother bickering over the last bowl of cereal."
They're two completely different topics, and there's a lot of times missing between them, so this separation makes things clearer.

Spoiler

"I want it," Tyler the 4 year old says.
"Well just cause you want it doesn't mean you get it now stop whining" says Joseph.
I decide to go "fix" the problem. I walk in and say, "Tyler Joseph, what is the problem?"
"There is one bowl of cereal left" says Tyler. "And we both want it."
"Well let me solve the problem," I say as I walk over to the bowl of cereal and poor milk into it and start eating it. "If you two both want it and are fighting over it, then you two won't eat it cause I am hungry sooo scootch your bootch. Come on now move."
They slowly walk away and rush up stairs to tell mom.

'Tyler the four year old' isn't read comfortably. Maybe something more like 'Tyler, the youngest, says.' Fitting age into dialogue is tricky, but this is the best suggestion I got.
'Tyler Joseph, what's the problem?' Should be 'Tyler, Joseph, what's the problem?' They're two different people. Without the comma, they seem like one child with a double name.

If you two both want it and are fighting over it, then you two won't eat it cause I am hungry sooo scootch your bootch. Come on now move.

Okay, if they're fighting over it they're not going to lose right to the cereal because the speaker is hungry. She should say 'If you two are fighting over it, neither of you get it. I'll take it though, because I'm hungry'. (Shortened it a bit for convenience, you don't have to though) They're losing right to the cereal because they're fighting. Additionally, don't drag out the 'so'. It looks un professional.
Back to the main chunk- You end it saying they 'walk away and rush upstairs' Walking implies normal speed, rush implies a faster pace.
Additionally, this isn't the smoothest ending to a chapter. Add another sentence (Ex: ... to tell mom but I don't care. I'm just happy to have cereal.) <Really bad example. This is simply an uncomfortable place to end. Maybe try combining this chapter with the next.

Spoiler

Mom comes down the stairs and asks what happened I answer her with what I said to the kids.
"they both had a problem and i was hungry so I decided to eat the cereal"
" Well okay but don't do it again okay"
" Yes Mam"I replied
"can I go For a walk"
"yes"
"Okay thank you"

Speeding through this one-
'they' needs capitalized
'i' should be capitalized
No space before 'well'
No space before 'yes'
'mam' should be 'ma'am'
There should be a space between the quotation mark and 'I'
'Can' needs to be capitalized
'Yes' needs to be capitalized
There should be a comma after 'okay'
Quote punctation mini lesson time! *Throws confetti*
If a quote ends with 'she said' 'they asked' etc, the quote should end in a comma
EX: 'I like dogs,' She said.
If a quote doesn't state who's speaking, it ends in a period.
EX: "I like dogs."
"Cool, so do I."
If a quote is a question, use a question mark and ignore the previous rules.
EX: "Do you like dogs?" She asked.
Look through you're punctation and fix it according to these rules.

Spoiler

I walk outside to the wet,soft concrete and see the end of the alley way. I look up to the bright blue sky and begin to walk to the other side of town. I can now see the fire department that I heard last night. Coming past the creepy building of the old cat lady. She has about 37 cats. I hear a faint croak come from on the porch.

Concrete is the opposite of soft. People use the term 'hard as concrete' in to situation should be it be 'soft'.
Again, a lot of 'I do' 'I walk' 'I look'

Spoiler

"The storm is coming""I warn you the storm is coming we must flee"

I begin to walk faster wondering what she could be talking about. I come to the end of the road and wait for all the cars to pass by and cross the street. We had a storm last night I thought.Could that be what she was talking about what am i kidding she is just an old cat lady.

Okay, so I'm assuming the first line is all being said by the cat woman. There shouldn't be quotations between 'coming' and 'I' there should simply be a period and a space.
A lot of other minor things here-
'We had a storm last night,' I thought.' Add quotes.
'Thought. Could..." (Add a space)
'...about. What am I kidding, she is just..." Period between 'about' and 'what'. Capitalize the 'I' Comma after kidding.

Spoiler

Later that night I heard that a storm come in but didn't quite understand if that was what she was talking about. But then all of a sudden I heard an alarm ring louder than ever before..... This was no fire alarm. This was the sound of the blaring war siren ringing over the dark city of NewYork

Okay, in this paragraph you haven't mentioned the old cat lady so you can't say 'she' and refer to her. You need to simply say "was what the old cat lady was talking about"
'But then all of a sudden I heard..." Should be 'But then, all of a sudden, I heard..." Add commas. If a sentence could be said without the detail, then put commas around the detail. (You could say 'But then I heard'. 'All of a sudden' is just extra information)
Again, watch out on that ellipsis. Not only is it too long, but it isn't needed. Replace it with a period.
Last sentence *Ba da da daa!*
It's 'New York' not 'NewYork'
And end with a period!

I really enjoyed this, it was an interesting plot. I hope this review, though it was probably tedious to read, helped you!

Keep writing!
-ChocolateCello

Hey, Firerift24!

Hmm, this is pretty interesting.

#004000 ">Plot

Spoiler

#004000 "> I've never read anything quite like this. The plot of this is interesting, I like it. The chapters are short and sweet, and too the point. I personally would like to see them fleshed out, with more detail and explanations etc, but it is ok as is also

#FF0000 ">Characters

Spoiler

#FF0000 "> We don't get to know much about our main character, but that's ok since we aren't too far in. Just make sure you developed your characters out so they aren't just names on a page,

#800080 ">Other

Spoiler

#800080 "> Just a random note, make sure you capitalize your stories title. So, it should be "As The Fire Burns"

You also start a lot of sentences with "I". I know that this is first person; which is cool since not many stories are written in first person nowadays. But there's still a way to not make it quite as repetitive. Here's a few examples of how you can switch it up.
Original~

I can now see the fire department that I heard last night.

Revised/Suggestion~

The fire department I heard sirens coming from last night is now peeking into my view, slowly becoming more visible as I walk closer.

Original~

I think for a moment and guess it was the raccoon.

Revised/Suggestion~

After a moments thought I come to believe that it must of been the raccoon that often roamed the neighborhood.

#000080 ">Typos/Grammar/Odd Sentences

Spoiler

#000080 "> Ok, so I know that there is note about the grammar.. But previous teachers have ingrained me me to never ignore grammar mistakes. Just know I'm trying to be helpful, not blunt or rude.

busy streets of NewYork,

I'm not from New York, but I'm pretty sure that you always need a space between "New" and "York" , unless your some gangstah throwing around slang, xD

I hear the door behind me slam open to the already broken bricks Now crying for help.

"Now" doesn't need to be capitalized,

I walk at a slow pace that turns into a fast run

Something you can use as a helpful guideline to keep things interesting with sentences like this is "Show, Not Tell" With this sentence we are being told they are speeding up, but not really how, why, etc. For the why, yes there was just a car accident, but why would our main character want to hurry there? Just keep these things in mind and you'll be good to go!

Original~

I hear a trash can go clomp on the ground.

Suggestion~

I hear a trash can clash against the ground, making quite a ruckus.

world..... light.

It's best just to stick to the typical "..." So your sentence doesn't drag on too much,

Original~

"they both had a problem and i was hungry so I decided to eat the cereal"

" Well okay but don't do it again okay"

" Yes Mam"I replied

"can I go For a walk"

"yes"

"Okay thank you"

Suggestion~

"They both had a problem and I was hungry so I decided to eat the cereal."

"Well okay. But don't do it again, understood?"

"Yes Mam." I replied "Can I go for a walk?"

"Yes."

"Okay, thanks."

Original~

"The storm is coming""I warn you the storm is coming we must flee"

Suggestion~

"The storm is coming! I'm warning you, the storm is coming. We must flee."

Original~

Could that be what she was talking about what am i kidding she is just an old cat lady.

Suggestion~

Could that be what she was talking about? Who am I kidding, she is just an old cat lady.

Later that night I heard that a storm come in but didn't quite understand if that was what she was talking about. But then all of a sudden I heard an alarm ring louder than ever before..... This was no fire alarm. This was the sound of the blaring war siren ringing over the dark city of New York

[/quote]
I'm not quite sure why part of this is in italics and the other isn't...?

Overall, this is great and I hope I wasn't to blunt.

~Myth