A/N: This story is just a clip of an idea I had and I'm going to use some of the feedback to determine if I should continue with my story, The Unsinkable Disaster. Any opinions on the subject would be appreciated. I've been thinking about continuing it after a long hiatus but I'm not sure. Thanks for any and all feedback!
I ran down the corridor, chasing the mass of people in front of me. My long dress was flying out in front of me and I tripped, stumbled, then righted myself. I slowed down but still maintained a quick pace. Mother and Father were in that huddle of people somewhere, but being so small, I had gotten shoved and pushed away. The crowd was yelling, commanding each other to move, shoving and pushing. We were all frantic. My heart was hammering in my chest and I was breathing heavily. Glancing behind me I saw the cold seawater rushing up the stairs, trying to capture us in its watery hand.
We were sinking. The ship was actually going down. And we were going with it. I could hear the urgent rhythm of wet shoes squelching away to get to the boats. Suddenly, another sound entered the fray. The clanking of the gate told me I needed to hurry before it was unlocked and my family swept farther away.
I broke into a run again but stopped at a rather peculiar sight met my eye. One of the doors was closed. Every other door in this hall was gaping open, their former occupants running desperately for their lives. Someone must be in there. I wanted to keep going, but I knew the right thing to do would be to help them. Whoever was in there could be injured.
I tugged at the door, expecting it to be locked. It wasn't. I crept in, and saw a family asleep in bed. How could they still be sleeping? Something was wrong. Taking a closer look, I saw a mother, her child and the father lying in a small bed. The father was awake. He lay there and stared at me quite calmly for someone about to die. It was obvious why. This family had given up hope, and had lie down together to die peacefully in their sleep. But they had a child.
"Why haven't you left? Hurry! Get the child!"' I said, trying to rouse them into moving. The man hastily looked to his wife and child and shushed me with a finger at his lips. Once I was silent, he beckoned for me to approach him.
"Take him." He whispered, motioning to the child. What? He wants me to take his child?
"You can't just leave your child with a stranger!" I exclaimed, angry with this man who won't save his own flesh and blood.
He looked at his wife and motioned to her. That one simple motion suddenly made me understand everything. It was she who had given up hope, who didn't believe the great Titanic was really sinking. The man loved her too much to let her die, and if she did, he would go with her. The child was an innocent life, and I could save him.
Swiftly, I found a small child coat and slippers lying on a chair nearby. I picked them, a life jacket, and a large blanket up and draped them on the bed. I picked up the small sleeping boy, only about four years old. I gently slid on his slippers and jacket, folded the blanket and wrapped him in it. That should be enough to keep him warm.
I was about to head into the hall again when the man spoke up.
"His name is Andrew. It means strong." He said, a warmth in his voice I hadn't heard before. I nodded gently and was about to turn when he licked his lips and spoke again.
" I-I am eternally thankful for you, my son's guardian angel. I can rest easy now knowing he is in good hands."
With that the man folded his hands over his chest and closed his eyes. I walked out and closed the door firmly. As soon as I did, I realized a freezing inch of water was lapping at my ankles and into my shoes and socks. The roar of the water vibrated in my ears as I ran with the child cradled in my arms. Andrew's arm flopped around wildly but he didn't stir from his deep slumber.
As I ran up the steps onto the deck where people were running about like chickens about to go to the slaughterhouse, I knew somehow that I would make it. That I would live, and Andrew would too. I just had to find my parents first.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
"Chasing" is an odd word choice here. Because if presumably, the main character is trying to escape the ship, she wouldn't be trying to find the escape route, not the mass of people? But then again, maybe she's looking for her parents. so I'm not sure whether or not it's the word you're looking for, if it is then never mind x_x
Watch out for that passive voice.
This is a really cool line; captures the dramatic of the shipwreck well.
D'aww.
This paragraph in particular is my personal favorite. Capturing the emotion of seeing a family ready to let their child die would be pretty difficult, but you pulled it off.
I really dislike this simile. Chickens are usually metaphoric for describing "cowardly" or "of lesser importance". It seems like the narrator is almost mocking people for trying to escape from the ship, which I wouldn't understand why.
This is a strong piece, overall. The Titanic always has fascinated me and this story is no exception to that. It's a moving dramatic that well captures the terror of the shipwreck. Hope you keep going.
Thanks for the review!
Hey there, I just wanted to tell you that I posted chapter three if you want to give it a read
First of all, I will warn you that I am a picky reviewer. This is not because I want to put anyone down, but I want you to improve your writing skills
Any opinion/suggestion that I write below does not have to be taken into consideration- the choice is completely yours- but I hope you consider some of my advice 
Here we go:
You include just enough eloquence, but you're not overdoing it. You create this scene with an innocent child that really edges on the reader of your story to keep going. Love it.
I like how we're already in the middle of an action-packed scene from the start. It builds suspense right off the bat and gets the reader's attention.
"Glancing behind me I saw the cold seawater rushing up the stairs, trying to capture us in its watery hand."
Not sure how I feel about this line. I like it, yet I would change it. "watery hand" doesn't set well with me. Perhaps something like "Glancing behind me, I cringed as the seawater rushed up the stairs, trying to capture us in its icy grasp."
The way you had it written was fine, but it's just a stylistic opinion.
I would combine these two: " The ship was actually going down. And we were going with it. "
So, instead, "The ship was actually going down, and we were going down with it."
"I could hear the urgent rhythm of wet shoes squelching away to get to the boats." This is an interesting sentence- totally original. I would change it a little though: "I could hear the constant rhythm of soaked shoes squelching towards the boats," or something like that. I feel like the way you wrote it is a bit wordy- it's a mouthful for the reader. I applaud you for such originality though!
"The clanking of the gate told me I needed to hurry before it was unlocked and my family swept farther away."
Change to "The clanking of the gate alerted me I needed to hurry, before it was pushed open and my family was swept further away."
Little grammatical mistakes: "I broke into a run again but stopped at a rather peculiar sight met my eye."
Change it to "I broke into a run again, but I stopped when a rather peculiar sight met my eye."
I'm starting to notice you switch the tense you're writing in a few times. I do this myself sometimes:
Past tense: "I ran down the corridor, chasing the mass of people in front of me. My long dress was flying out in front of me and I tripped, stumbled, then righted myself."
"Every other door in this hall was gaping open (PRESENT="in THIS hall" and PAST tense="WAS gaping open), their former occupants running desperately for their lives"
"Someone must be in there." PRESENT TENSE.
In this order, it should be changed to this if you wish to write it in past tense:
"Every other door in the wall was gaping open, their former occupants running..."
"Someone must have been in there."
If you wish to write it in present tense then leave everything the same but "Every other door in this hall IS gaping open."
Again, right after this little section you flip-flop back and forth again:
"I wanted to keep going (PAST), but I knew the right thing to do would be to help them (PAST). Whoever was in there could be injured. (both PAST and PRESENT- "was" indicates past, while the rest of your sentence indicates PRESENT.)
If you wanted this sentence to be PAST TENSE: "Whoever was in there COULD HAVE BEEN
injured.
If you wanted it to be PRESENT TENSE: "Whoever IS in there could be injured"
I'm not trying to yell at you with the caps, ha ha! That's just to highlight key words in my explanation. You almost mix your past and present tense together in a single sentence at times, which is confusing.
So try to decide on a tense concretely, because this can be disengaging to the reader. I still struggle with this concept today, and people correct me all the time!
I would dare say these two passages are nearly perfect:
"I tugged at the door, expecting it to be locked. It wasn't. I crept in, and saw a family asleep in bed. How could they still be sleeping? Something was wrong. Taking a closer look, I saw a mother, her child and the father lying in a small bed. The father was awake. He lay there and stared at me quite calmly for someone about to die. It was obvious why. This family had given up hope, and had lie down together to die peacefully in their sleep. But they had a child.
"Why haven't you left? Hurry! Get the child!"' I said, trying to rouse them into moving. The man hastily looked to his wife and child and shushed me with a finger at his lips. Once I was silent, he beckoned for me to approach him."
Brilliant job with these
"Swiftly, I found a small child coat and slippers lying on a chair nearby."
I would change this to "Swiftly, I found a small coat that would fit a child and a pair of tiny slippers lying on a chair nearby."
The wording is awkward here:"I picked them, a life jacket, and a large blanket up and draped them on the bed. "
I would change it to "I picked up the clothes along with a life jacket and large blanket, draping them on the bed."
Here's another example of you switching to present tense again "That should be enough to keep him warm." You would say "It was enough to keep him warm," if it was meant to be past tense. Sometimes you may not even notice when you're switching to present then past and back again. It's so easy to do.
"His name is Andrew. It means strong." He said, a warmth in his voice I hadn't heard before." Here's a very common mistake I went unaware of for a while. You don't put a period after "strong" because the sentence isn't complete until you finish the "he said..." part. You use a comma and leave the "h" in "he" as lowercase. Here's what it should look like:
"His name is Andrew. It mean strong," he said, a warmth in his voice...
You see? Unless it's a question or exclamation, it should always be a comma right before the "dialogue tag" I think you call it ("he said/she said"). See, I'm still learning the exact book-by-book terms
You can't leave me with such a cliffhanger!!!!!!!
"I just had to find my parents first." Change to "I just needed to find my parents first," if it's supposed to be past tense.
I NEED TO KNOW NOW! I need to know if and how she finds her parents, and if they are alive. Oh my goodness.
As much as I nitpicked, which I hope didn't come off harsh, this is BRILLIANT. I love the idea of this story, and you better continue it! I love it!
I love the suspense and how every minute counts. Please continue with the Unsinkable Disaster! I will certainly go read more of it in your portfolio if it's there.
Great work! There are just technical things I pointed out in my review, but the premise and the integrity of the story is excellent, overall
Happy writing,
Kali Lennon
Thanks for the review! It was a lot of reading
This was just a short idea I had for a later chapter in The Unsinkable Disaster, which I think I'm going to revise and start writing again, so I'll definitely refer to your review in the future.
Thanks again!!:)
Your welcome! I apologize for the obnoxious length of my review, but I'm a rambler
Hey-o!! I just wanted to let you know I posted chapter three if you want to keep reading
Will do!
That's a really good story! Yea, you should make more. There were some mistakes in here, though. I will tell you all of them:
"front of me and I tripped, stumbled, then righted myself"
Should be "straightened" instead of "righted".
"As I ran up the steps onto the deck where people were running about like chickens about to go to the slaughterhouse, I knew somehow that I would make it."
The "about like chickens" didn't need an "about" in the middle.
These were the only two mistakes that I saw (I'm pretty sure there's at least one or two things that I messed). The title is fine, you don't need to change it. Anyways...........MAKE MORE!!!!!!
Thanks for the review
No problem!