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16+ Language Violence

Werebeast: The Monarch; Prologue

by Fireborn

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

Five men run through the still night. The sent of freshly fallen rain still hangs heavily in the air, though it had stopped raining a long time ago; even before the men had set one foot in the forest, when they were a group of twenty-five. Their feet slip on the wet leafs and mud, which is dry on the outer most layer only, like a thin layer of frosting on cake. The trees are unusually still; tall, yet having deep sloping arches that almost touch the ground. No sound dares slice through the tree's, witchy fingers; minus the sole expectation of a lonely cricket looking for a mate. They have been running in the ghastly woods for a while now. The air is still moist, even though the air left no trace of mist. To the men it feels more like swimming than running. The moisture weighing heavily on their shoulders.

The tree's deep arches loom in the velvet night, their witchy fingers seeming to wait for one of the men to silently fall into its dark embrace.

And I bet you are, you bastards! Thinks the leader of the somber men.

A cramp works its way up the leader's calf, sending pain as sharp as the kiss of a blade up and down his calf muscles. No, I won't give in...I won't give in to this pain!

A pricing scream interrupts the leader's thoughts. He quickly turns around, moving like a liquid shadow, all pain forgotten. He and his men start shooting their guns towards the short lived scream. The lighting-like crack of the guns puts an end to the lonely cricket's calls.

The guns of the men are as light as a feather, with only a firm push into their arm muscles. They end up shooting at nothing. The reminder of the leader's men also saw nothing. But their leader, who's eyes are far sharper, did indeed, see something. At the corner of his prospective he saw a fleeting shadow.

The leader than alters his cold eyes to his fallen man. The sight is enough to send shivers of fear down his spine. The fallen man has a deep cut going from his chest, all the way down to his groin, and into three more feet of deeply gutted dirt. The cut is flanked by two other cuts, set close together, each cut no thicker than a crescent moon.

The leader is glad that the night covers the gutted man from his sight.

At least his death was quick, a voice inside him whispers. He nods once in agreement to his voice, and starts running with the rest of his men again.

The thing that's killing them is just playing with them. But it is careful, because the toy can bite, and one bite from the toy can kill it. It has been killing off the leader's men of twenty-five. Every half an minute the thing makes a kill, each kill lasting precisely five seconds. Each kill it makes is very carefully calculated. The leader shivers, wondering how quickly the thing can kill them if it wasn't being so careful.

Five minutes later; another scream.

More bullets shoot into the night, aiming to kill the monster.

Only to end up as another fail.

Another man dead.


This deadly game commence until, kill by kill, only the leader is left.

Fears runs through his blood. He unloads his gun to empty it of used bullets, then he lodes it again with shaky fingers. Some bullets scatter to the ground in his haste to reload the deadly weapon. But the fallen bullets are the least of his worries.

Sensing something very close by that makes the hair on the nip of his neck raise, he looks up. The thing looms over him, looking more shadow than beast. Even though he can't see well in the veiling night, he can tell the thing is seven feet tall. Its huge body a mountain of broad, coiled, muscle; a forest of dark fur. The thing's low, heavy pants sends the smell of hot dog-like breath into the leader's nose, causing it to shrivel up.

Without warning, the thing lunges.

The leader doesn't even have time to raise his gun an inch. The thing moves with too much deadly grace.

Before he knows what to expect, the thing had racked his chest and down to his belly with its deadly claws. The only thing saving the leader from total death being the gun. The thing's claws, though as powerful as all its kind, merely scraps the gun, making the noise of claws scarping against metal.

Screams from the leader fills the night.

Slicing through the trees.

His pain being worst than he ever experiance before.

But, even among the pain.

Among the blood that spews from his chest wound, like fresh lave bursting froth from a volcano.

Through the blurring of his vision.

He manages to raise his gun.

Aim it at the unholy beast.

And pull the trigger.

The beast roars in pain, fleeing into the night.

The leader smiles through his own blood, and knows no more.

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346 Reviews

Points: 37216
Reviews: 346

Thu Dec 31, 2015 9:46 pm
Pretzelstick wrote a review...

Hello and welcome to YWS. I am here to review this of yours, because the part about the villain really quite intrigues me.

I did like the last effect of prolonging the whole chapter so that it's very apparent that the leader is the last one to, last one to be preyed upon. I think that maybe if you could play around with that a little bit more, than you could maybe make the leader count down the seconds until death since the monster is so precise it looks like he's walking around with a timer and counting the time precisely between each attack.

I also really have come to enjoy your writing style, and I like how smooth this whole chapter is, because it seems like it just is from one event, and one thing to another. And I have always just got to admire that a little bit. ;)

Personally, I have this distaste for prologue, and I mention this in all of my other reviews, but I basically think that prologues are very rarely executed well. Basically, before you write a prologue and include it in your novel, you have to ask yourself if you can't include this scene anywhere else in this whole entire novel(as a flashback or memory perhaps.) Also, in order for this to actually be valid, you need to allow for a time lapse between this and your first chapter, so that no reader actually get confused. And then, there's another problem, quick readers, like me tend to skip over these prologues unless it really grabs their attention, like the first sentence or the title of the prologue. So I will always warn writers, remember to have an even stronger beginning/hook in Chapter 1 to introduce your story, in case a reader did decide to skip it. I hope that this all makes sense to you.

Five men run through the still night. The sent of freshly fallen rain still hangs heavily in the air, though it had stopped raining a long time ago; even before the men had set one foot in the forest, when they were a group of twenty-five.

I have a tendency to pick on first sentences, and for some reason I felt like this one probably could be rearranged to make it have a stronger "hook"and beginning, because this kind of seemed kind of clunky to me. I would definitively switch around the order of these two sentences, and make it like this:

"The men had set one foot in the forest, when they were a group of twenty-five, now just five; the sent of freshly fallen rain still hangs heavily in the air, though it stopped raining a long time ago."

The thing that would intrigue me about that sentence ^ is that you already gain the information that you are missing twenty people, which is a massive shocking statistic. Even though I have included that part about rain, I would personally exclude it, because this breaks a rule-of-thumb that I once read in a writer's article " Never start anything(novel,chapter,story,etc.) with the weather because that's just so boring <,<[/i] I'd rather have any other type of description than just this, because rain seems a bit mundane,.

Scanning through the first paragraph, it does seem to me like you misused the use of semi-colons in one specific sentence, because of your obvious awkward placement that you have put in.

The trees are unusually still; tall, yet having deep sloping arches that almost touch the ground.

First of all, just some basic grammar that everyone knows is that a semicolon is supposed to connect two separate sentences, (meaning one subject and one verb on each side). This is lacking here, because on the second side there is just a prepositional phrase since you start it off with the word "yet". Then you also interrupted an adjective pair, where you could have simply put an and. I would rewrite it, so that it could correctly look like this:

"The trees were unusually still and tall, yet having deep sloping arches that almost touch the ground."

And I bet you are, you bastards! Thinks the leader of the somber men.

I don't understand about who is this leader even thinking about here? Is he talking about the men that are following him, or is he talking about the monster/villain.

The leader is glad that the night covers the gutted man from his sight.

This seems quite contradictory here, because I don't understand how this leader can see all of the gore if indeed it's dark night and the slain body is under the cover of darkness. It just seems as if he really does have a supernatural eyesight, which you mentioned before when he identified the shadow. So why is this leader even glad, if he saw the gutted wounds anyways since he can describe them in the paragraph above?

Fears runs through his blood.

You did an extremely great job of showing what that fear really looked like, so I'm sure that this sentence really isn't necessary here, since the reader is seeing all of the context in the paragraphs around it(where all of the anticipation is happening.)

Without warning, the thing lunges.

This sentence is kind of bothering me for a bit, because it's not what I imagine. You gave this impression of a precise and careful kill where the eat almost has a timer in their head and has equally spaced intervals. So the leader should be counting on that, instead of thinking that the beast is giving him no warning. Also, since he is the last one left, I would get the impression that he is expecting the best to kill him and soon, because he is the only one left.

That ending is so bad-ass, like I wasn't expecting revenge to come, even if this supposed leader survived or died. I think it's unique that you did this, because I'm getting pretty bored and tired of happy endings. They usually aren't always these happy endings in real life, so reading this makes me realize that, and me kind of liking this "bomb" ending.

That's all I have for this prologue, and I hope that this review helped you improve your writing. If you have any questions feel free to reply below.


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93 Reviews

Points: 2832
Reviews: 93

Thu Dec 31, 2015 8:52 pm
~Volant~ wrote a review...

This was awesome!! Very well written!! You have a really nice rhythm to your words and phrasing. You also have a real knack for writing description without disrupting the story or the pacing. That's hard to do. There's not a lot that needs "fixing" here, I'd say. What's done right is done right. Can I suggest something to add?

What I think would make it a little better is if you made the characters more human to us. Yes, it's a prologue, and they all die in the end so I know I'm never going to see them again, but they can still be memorable. No character should feel like a background character. It'd be fun to give them names, relationships with each other, some conversation. Every character in a scene is coming from and going somewhere. They have hopes and dreams and pet peeves. They have a reason for being here, and I think telling your reader might help your story.

Watch out for spelling: "A piercing scream interrupts the leader's thoughts."
"This deadly game commences until"
"then he loads it again with shaky fingers"
"claws scraping against metal."

Hope I helped!

Random avatar
Fireborn says...

Thank you for the insight, I'll be sure to fix it as soon as I get the chance.

Remember: no stress allowed. Have fun, and learn from your fellow writers - that's what storybooks are all about.
— Wolfical