Published February 25, 2010
Shivering lights
of the hills lit the midnight sky.
Contrasting with the dark sky,
and the pale clouds,
as they passed by.
A silent breeze ruffled
the treetops, and shooed the
clouds away.
Above the rattling of the
leaves, came chirping.
Chirp, Chirp. Chirp, Chirp.
On the dusty ground, so bare,
came a single movement, fast as a hare.
Chip, Chirp. Chirp, Chirp.
The cricket silenced, listening.
Upon the noise of distant skittering.
Once more, the cricket began singing.
Chirp, Chirp. Chirp, Chirp.
The skittering grew closer.
Had his singing finally paid off?
Had another cricket come, to match his song,
so soft?
Chirp, Chirp. Chirp, Chirp.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,745 Literary Works • 672,689 Reviews
Thanks, Bryr!
I think your suggestion does sound good, but when I think about it, it isn't all that rare, is it?
I'll think about it though, I like how it sounds.
I would suggest changing
to but that's just a suggestion.Thanks all!
Hey Fire! Sorry this is a little late.
I actually really enjoyed this. One thing I love is your subject choice, so thumbs up on that.
Just a couple of tips:
1) Word choice:
I'm not so sure about some of your word choices. A couple of examples would be the 'rattling' leaves and the 'skittering' sound. Although they're both nice words, I don't think they really paint the picture you're aiming for.
2) Repetition:
You repeat a couple of words in this such as 'sky' at the start and 'skittering' at the end. For me, the repetition didn't really have any effect on the poem in a good way, and therefore would probably be better if you replaced it. The repetition is especially noticeable with the beginning 'sky'. One idea for that little stanza would be to completely remove the second line, so you end up with something like:
which sounds just as good!
I love the imagery that you manage to use. It creates a lovely scene and is really great. Although others have problems with the chirping, I actually quite like it. I was trying to think of other words to describe a cricket's noise, but I think the chirp works.
Hope this helps! Nice job!
~Amy
Hey Fire
lets get started!
Here-
You repeat sky twice here, and it doesn't really works, so try changing it to something else.
This I love. It gives me a picture of what it looks like, and the way it's worded is wonderful.
I wasn't a big fan of the Chirp chirping, but I didn't mind it too much.
Overall it was an okay poem, it didn't wow me, but it wasn't horrible. I liked it though, you did a good job.
Hey! hero here for a review...
So what I liked about this poem?
The scenery. Not what you were aiming for? Doesn't matter.
Tips?
I'd use something better than skittering. Now I can't, for my life, tell the difference between a female cricket's hum/chirp and a male's. But other words could have fit like 'hum'.
What didn't work?
Second to Last Stanza. Also, I agree with EB to change it to present.
You could also change 'shooed' to 'chased'. Just a suggestion.
I agree with the above two reviewers though I didn't mind your lines as much. But perhaps, for the cool feel, make your poem very brief and full of brevity. And make sure your syllables and letters are soft.
Hello, Firearris. his is an interesting poem, and I'm trying to decide how I feel about it. I really want to like it, but something just falls flat. I don't know what it is. Is it the repetition of certain words, or the fact that you have line breaks in akward places? I dunno exactly, but let's dive in.
This first part is incredibly messy. What do you mean by "shivering lights"? It's obviously not in the literal since, but you haven't made it clear what, "shivering lights" is supposed to symbolize, either. Secondly, you say the word "sky" twice in two sentences. I'd replace the second one with something else.
What makes these two lines so special that they can be all by themselves?
A few other things I noticed:
-Past tense doesn't really seem to fit the idea of this poem. I'd change it to present.
-Your repetition of "Chirp" was nice, but does a cricket really do that? I thought birds "chirped" and crickets "hummed". Anyway, that's all. Feel free to PM me if you have questions, and keep writing.
-Elinor
I really liked this poem. I felt so peaceful reading through the lines. The only thing I can say is that i'm not sure whenever you say
that it goes along with the poem correctly. Yes it goes along with it, it just doesn't feel like it rubs off on it in the right way. I may be totally incorrect, i'm just throwing that out there.Like I said before, you capture the peacefulness of a summer's evening quite nicely, keep on writing!