Okay, I wrote this a few months back. Name suggestions are welcome, enjoy
--
Goodbye, Goodbye,
The final words
before we depart,
into strange new worlds.
Goodbye, Goodbye,
the twilight masks our fate,
as we descend into a new place.
We fly like butterflies through the night,
and into the dawn,
to finish our flight.
Hello, Hello,
you seem familiar.
Tell me our name,
and I'll tell you a story;
of how two butterflies flew through the night,
and into the dawn,
to finish their flight.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hi Firearris! This was certainly much better then The Cricket, which I think was the last poem I'd reviewed of yours up until now.
What do I like about it? You've got a nice, subtle style and constant rhythm throughout your stanzas. I like the repetition of "Goodbye, Goodbye" at the beginning of the stanzas, and how it later switches to, "Hello, Hello".
I just have one tiny nitpick. In the first stanza, I'd either put a semi-colon after the second "Goodbye" or change the second line to, "These are he final words" so it makes a bit more since.
But otherwise, nice job!
-Elinor
I love it.
There are only two nit picks I have.
1. Each new line needs to be capitalized. That's just a basic poem-grammar thing.
2. Try to be a little bit more consistent with your repetitive line. Like "Goodbye, Goodbye" and "Hello, hello." They seem to be randomly scattered to me.
Keep up the good work! God Bless!
It's a lovely poem! Really sweet. I like the ending where it turns to a happy but suspicious note. If the title is pending I can give you a title, only because I love making up titles when I'm not that good at them X3. Morning Wings, maybe? It's a susgestion. X3 Good job, keep it up!