i told him

Hey heyyyyy! I really liked this poem!

I love the reiteration of the butterfly concept as reiteration is a very good aspect to include in poetry!

I love the questions. It makes this poem seem more like an internal monologue.

I love the squiggly lines. It makes this poem seem like it went on over an undefined period of time, like someone's thoughts over time as they allow the situation to settle.

This is super good. Keep it up!

Hey there, FireEyes, Pineapple here for a short review!

I loved this poem. It was very realistic and relatable to not only me but many other teen viewers out there. You captured the essence of teenage unrequited love. You also painted the picture of constantly overthinking things which I enjoyed.

I really liked the metaphorical island you mentioned briefly in the fourth stanza. It shows liking someone from a distance as a "hallway crush" in a way. My absolute favorite line was "the butterflies fly again, yet their wings have been shot." IT was so powerful and painful at the same time and I applaud you for making your readers feel a certain way. Reading that line, I could tell almost instantly the emotion coming from this.

Overall, excellent job and I can't wait to see more of your writing!

Signed,
Pineapple

Greetings! This is a nice poem, and it was enjoyable to read. I think it's pretty relatable, the way you've given us a glimpse into the mind of a narrator who has unrequited feelings. The feelings are there, but we don't necessarily want to share them with the object of our affections, because we're afraid of their reaction or how it might change our relationship. You've done a good job conveying this. The mention of butterflies and sweet little blushes and all that give this poem a tender, innocent sense of friendship and at least a one-sided crush. I really like how it's soft and genuine, but not sappy.

Splitting it up into separate stanzas makes this easy to read instead of a big run-on piece, so I like that. I did notice that your stanzas are differing lengths from each other, which isn't the end of the world, but if you're going for something really structured and consistent, that might be something you'd want to tweak. However, I got a more casual, relaxed impression from this writing, which I liked.

Thanks again for sharing this work. Keep writing!

Hey there! Plume here, with a review!!

I enjoyed reading this poem!! It's actually kind of relevant to my life now, so I felt I was able to really relate to it. Relationships are always kind of complicated, and I think you've encapsulated that complexity nicely! The last stanza did a nice job of tying it all together on a slightly pessimistic note.

One thing I think you did very well was putting in good information so that readers could visualize the whole storyline very nicely. I think your third stanza was a great example of that. I loved those descriptions. Some that really stood out to me were the "redness of his face/underneath his mask" and "him pull[ing] his hat over his face." That paired with the giggle and the later stanzas where you mention embarrassment work really nicely together to provide both some visual storytelling but also characterizing the narrator's object of interest in the poem. Nice work!

The one thing I would say is that I feel you could have amped up the figurative language. You had a couple killer lines in here: I absolutely loved the "cannon of affection" and the swaying side to side "like he was at sea." Overall, though, I felt that something in the message and figurative language was disjointed. It definitely felt like a narrative poem, but I felt that the central message was concentrated in a few places. It felt a bit contradictory, you know? On the one side, you have the speaker orchestrating this love confession, but they also don't want it to be reciprocated? And yet it's structured like they do want it to happen? Overall, the poem is sending a lot of mixed messages, like the other review mentioned. I think what you could do is think about what the main emotion or feeling you want readers to get when they read your poem, and then try and channel that purposefully with your word choice and poetic devices. This seems to be a personal poem, though, and if confusion was what you were feeling when you wrote it, I think that came across really nicely! Like I mentioned earlier, I think it encapsulates the feeling of uncertainty in relationships quite well.

Specifics

like calling out into a cave

and to hear no echo.

like to see an old friend

but they aren't the same person.

like calling out into a cave

and hearing no echo.

like seeing an old friend

but they aren't the same person.

Hello FireEyes,

I really like the story you're telling here. As I see it, you desribe a guy, who is/was your dear friend and because he found out that you have (had) romantic feelings for him, he started to act distant (maybe he likes you too but he does not want to show? Just an idea .-). And though he says nothing has changed and he's still your friend, you perceive he treats you differently and he is not capable of opening up to you about how he really feels:

"he doesn't mind it"

my friend echoed back to me.

"he doesn't care for it

in the sense that we're still friends"

then why was he acting so uncharacteristic

the rest of the day?"

I really liked this paragraph. The only thing I'm little confused about is, whether you still have those feelings for him or not, because the first paragraph little bit contradicts itself:

"it's been four years.

and i love him just as much

as i did when i first fell."

This feels like you still love him even after what had happened (he probably disappointed you by the way he reacted to the "news").

But then you say:

"but i don't feel it

in my stomach anymore.

the butterflies have died

and have been replaced with nothing."

Especially the last line indicates you don't care about him anymore, even as a friend. So this might be a little confusing to the reader as later you say:

"i didn't want him to reciprocate,

i wanted to be friends."

So you probably still care deeply for the person, just not romantically? .-)

It is a very nice poem though, I enjoy reading it, it's very relatable I think.
Good job and keep writing. And if the guy is silly and doesn't know what he has in you, than shame on him (sorry for getting personal .