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Lovely Brothers

by FireEyes


Never got to live a full life

Only got one filled with misery and strife

Looking after his kid brothers

Sometimes they seemed more like bothers

But love was at the center of all he did

But Pony didn’t understand like a little kid

That punch was out of grief

Then out of the blue, he was running from the chief

Stressful days and sleepless nights

Looking at all Of Pony’s favorite sights

Still trying to find him

A boy’s home is where he’d end up in

Begging Two-Bit and Steve

To tell where Pony would have to leave

He went up to, the tough as nails, Dally

Didn’t tell them but they went to a valley

Cried of anguish, sadness, and anger

Stayed for a week and in the air, they lingered

“What would mom and dad think?”

Then a thought crept in and made his heart sink

What if they were dead like Bob?

He couldn’t but he wanted to sob

He had to find Ponyboy

When he did nothing could fill him with more joy

The first time he cried

He made up for the love his parents supplied

He tried hard to suppress it

And his legs made him want to sit

Pony ran over and figured it out

He loved Pony but didn’t make a sound

The message had been sent

And Pony silently gave his repent

In his brother’s embrace

He looked at Pony’s tear-stained face

He looked at Soda’s smile

And the world at that moment didn’t so seem vile

Suppressing sobs

His and Soda’s jobs

All to support Pony

He used to think he was a phony

In front of his brothers, bound in love

He felt a huge weight being lifted off from someone above

Losing his parents left a hole for him to fill

He was responsible for paying the bill

But no price was too big to stay with his loved ones

All their love for each other amounted to great sums


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465 Reviews


Points: 31025
Reviews: 465

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Sat Jan 02, 2021 5:17 pm
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starlitmind wrote a review...



Hey there! This has been in the green room for awhile, so I decided to check it out! c: A quick note; I have read the Outsiders before, but it's been a looong time xD so if I say anything stupid, please feel free to ignore it :p

I think this a nice poem that gives sort of a quick summary of the plot and an introduction to some of the main characters! And your rhyme scheme does give a nice rhythm and bounce to the poem overall. I also noticed you are consistent in capitalization, which I think is important, and it makes your poem look clean and organized. I would also like to point out one spot I enjoyed in particular:

Losing his parents left a hole for him to fill

He was responsible for paying the bill

But no price was too big to stay with his loved ones

All their love for each other amounted to great sums


I think this a lovely ending to your poem. You've shown that despite all the hardships you are facing, nothing can beat love, and I think that's a gorgeous message to send. So overall, I really enjoyed reading this poem of yours! ^_^ I do have a few suggestions for you. These are just suggestions though, so if you don't agree with them, please feel free to disregard them!

The firs thing I'd like to mention is your line length. It kind of jumps around, and like Maryah said, it can make your poem choppy in some places. Because most of your lines are medium to the longer side, the very short lines come as a surprise, and it interrupts the flow a bit. My suggestion would be to add to those shorter lines; add adjectives to your nouns, throw in some similes and metaphors, and just make those lines more descriptive overall! This won't only help with line length, but this will also help with making your poem more descriptive and tangible for the reader!

The next thing I'd like to mention is stanzas. Your poem is on the longer side, so adding stanzas will help make this easier to read and less intimidating. There are many ways you can break up this poem, and I'll give you one suggestion in the spoiler below! But if you want to keep it as it is, that's perfectly fine also!

Spoiler! :
Never got to live a full life

Only got one filled with misery and strife

Looking after his kid brothers

Sometimes they seemed more like bothers


But love was at the center of all he did

But Pony didn’t understand like a little kid

That punch was out of grief

Then out of the blue, he was running from the chief


Stressful days and sleepless nights

Looking at all Of Pony’s favorite sights

Still trying to find him

A boy’s home is where he’d end up in


Begging Two-Bit and Steve

To tell where Pony would have to leave

He went up to, the tough as nails, Dally

Didn’t tell them but they went to a valley


Cried of anguish, sadness, and anger

Stayed for a week and in the air, they lingered

“What would mom and dad think?”

Then a thought crept in and made his heart sink


What if they were dead like Bob?

He couldn’t but he wanted to sob

He had to find Ponyboy

When he did nothing could fill him with more joy


The first time he cried

He made up for the love his parents supplied

He tried hard to suppress it

And his legs made him want to sit


Pony ran over and figured it out

He loved Pony but didn’t make a sound

The message had been sent

And Pony silently gave his repent


In his brother’s embrace

He looked at Pony’s tear-stained face

He looked at Soda’s smile

And the world at that moment didn’t so seem vile


Suppressing sobs

His and Soda’s jobs

All to support Pony

He used to think he was a phony


In front of his brothers, bound in love

He felt a huge weight being lifted off from someone above


Losing his parents left a hole for him to fill

He was responsible for paying the bill

But no price was too big to stay with his loved ones

All their love for each other amounted to great sums


The next thing I'd like to mention is punctuation. I noticed you don't utilize that much punctuation, and I'm mostly talking about at the end of lines. Punctuation is a stylistic choice, so if you don't want any punctuation, that's perfectly fine! But I do think it would be helpful to add commas at the end of lines to help the flow, or at least a period at the very end of this poem to suggest finality and give a complete resolution to this poem. But again, it's your choice! c:

One last thing I'd like to mention is your beginning

Never got to live a full life

Only got one filled with misery and strife

Looking after his kid brothers

Sometimes they seemed more like bothers


Especially if you haven't read the book, it's a bit unclear who you're talking about in the beginning. Who didn't get to live a full life? What kid brothers are you talking about? Since the reader can't establish a definite speaker, it's hard for the reader to understand and connect with the poem, or at least that's how it was for me. Personally, I would try to establish a speaker right at the beginning so your reader will be able to follow along with the poem, even if they haven't read the book.

And that's it! Overall, I enjoyed reading this; it reminded me of The Outsiders and makes me want to read it again cx I love your use of rhyme scheme, and the story and message embedded in your poem is nicely conveyed. I hope to read more of your work soon, and I hope this helped! :D




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63 Reviews


Points: 685
Reviews: 63

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Sun Nov 22, 2020 1:13 am
NastyMajesty wrote a review...



Hello @FireEyes! @NastyMajesty poppin' in here for a quick review. Nice to mee-- wait. I know you in real life and I'm just doing this as an example review for you. I'm being nit-picky on purpose because I can't find anything hugely wrong with this. Nevermind. Kay let's just jump right in.

Grows
Okay, so first off...

Looking at all Of Pony’s favorite sights
You don't need "of" capitalized in this sentence. Also, secondly, this stanza was a bit choppy:
Suppressing sobs

His and Soda’s jobs

All to support Pony

He used to think he was a phony
Anyways, that's all the huge nitpicks I can come up with.

Glows
He had to find Ponyboy

When he did nothing could fill him with more joy

The first time he cried

He made up for the love his parents supplied
I really like this stanza. It describes his love for his brothers so well. You do a great job depicting how Darry feels and his emotions throughout the entire poem. Overall, amazing job! Keep writing!
:D





Even when you hate it, you kinda don't hate it >.>
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