Young Writers Society

Scene 1

A girl walks into a basement and looks at the camera. She starts talking as she casually walks past a boy tied up in a chair.

Poppy: The animal kingdom is full of crime and drugs, two things that are not very good for your health. We solve murders from OUR world, but how about the bird’s world? Should their deaths go unnoticed? My name is Poppy Robertson, and I’m the host of Burders: Fowl Play. Here, we look into those deaths and brush away the veil of feathers that guard these mysteries so closely.

(Theme song. When we come back, Poppy is sitting on a couch and gestures off-screen.)

Poppy: So aiding us with our investigation, please welcome Jessica Davids!

(Jessica waves, walks in, and sits down.)

Jessica: Hi, Poppy. But, um, my name is Jessica Davis.

Poppy: What?

Jessica: Well, you said Davids, but my last name is Davis.

Poppy: Oh, really?

Jessica: Yeah–

Poppy: Are you sure?

Jessica: (Uncomfortably) Yes, I think I’d know how to say my last name.

Poppy: Huh. Well, anyways, welcome to Burders, Jessica. Why do you want to be on Burders?

Jessica: I’m broke and I need the money.

Poppy: Ah. Do you know where the term “Burders” comes from?

Jessica: Well…uh…I’ve never heard of it before today, so no. But is it from “Murder”, by chance?

Poppy: Yes, it is. It’s murder, for birds. Do you want to see the crime scene?

Jessica: Yes, I would love that.

(Contemplative music plays as they hike across the lawn and come to a giant pole, with bones laying in chunks on the sides.)

Poppy: Behold. The scene of the grizzly crime.

Jessica: You’re joking, right?

Poppy: (Seriously) No, I’m afraid not. It really is this horrific. Let’s take a closer look.

(The camera moves closer, and Poppy moves in close to the owl droppings. Jessica is standing by the side looking very, very tired.)

Poppy: As you can see, these bones are trapped in a chunk of giant crap. But this crap is not like the rest, because this crap has bones in it.

Jessica: Oh my god.

Poppy: And these bones once were attached to flesh, and that flesh had a mother, and that mother had a father. And that father had a sister, and that sister walked the Earth, the very Earth, in fact, that I am literally standing on right now.

Jessica: …What?

Poppy: We must avenge this poor creature’s death. For the sister.

Jessica: Are you okay?

Poppy: Take a close look at the bones. What do you see?

Jessica: (Barely looking) It’s a rat.

Poppy: How do you know?

Jessica: Because there’s a rat skull. Right there.

(She points to the ground.)

Poppy: (In awe) Wowwwwww.

(There’s a long silence where Poppy is staring at Jessica with wide eyes, to the point where it just gets uncomfortable. Jessica clears her throat.)

Jessica: Uh, do you have any suspects?

Poppy: Yes. My first suspect is the squirrel, because he’s always looking at me.

Jessica: Oh. Uh. Okay.

(She writes it down confusedly.)

Jessica: I think it’s an owl, though.

Poppy: An owl? Why do you think it’s an owl?

Jessica: Because that’s an owl perch right there and owls are known for throwing up bones.

Poppy: Oh, so it couldn’t be an owl.

Jessica: Why not?

Poppy: Well, this is crap. Not vomit.

Jessica: Uh…no. It’s…it’s vomit. But solid.

Poppy: (Pouting) Well, I think it’s the squirrel.

Jessica: Okay, then. Writing that down. But you do have to have better evidence than ‘It looks at me’.

Poppy: Why? People use less in human court all the time.

Jessica: Alright, fine! Squirrel. Suspect number one. Fine.

Poppy: (Looking at the camera) But to analyze the data, we need a professional. So please welcome Dr. Ethan Samuels!

(A boy walks onto the camera, snacking on a giant gallon ziplock bag full of Doritos.)

Ethan: Wazzup?

Poppy: I need you to analyze the data.

Ethan: Okay. A couple of questions first. Can I eat the data?

Poppy: No.

(Ethan looks at it warily.)

Ethan: We’re dealing with dangerous material, then.

Jessica: It’s literally just bones.

Poppy: Oh no. Should we be worried?

Jessica: Worried about…?

Ethan: (Ignoring her) I would be worried, yes.

Jessica: What? You guys are crazy.

(She walks off the set. Poppy and Ethan watch her go.)

Poppy: Alright then, what can I do?

(Suspenseful music plays as they, very unnecessarily, take the longest time possible to move a bone onto a piece of wood. Once they do, they all sigh, relieved. Shots of Jessica standing on the other side of the lawn, with her arms crossed.)

(Off-camera interview)

Jessica: These people are nuts. I don’t even know what’s happening.

Scene 2

Inside Dr. Ethan’s lab. Poppy is looking at the camera while absently touching things.

Poppy: Now we’re inside Ethan’s lab, where he’s doing the autopsy.

(Dr. Ethan comes in and hands her some papers.)

Ethan: We’ve discovered a lot, Poppy.

Poppy: Great. But what is the patient pronounced?

(Dramatic music builds up)

Ethan: Dead.

(Poppy immediately bursts into hysteric tears.)

Jessica: Seriously?

Ethan: Shhh. Have some respect.

Poppy: (Sniffling) Let’s all just…take a moment, yeah?

(Poppy and Ethan bow their heads in respect while Jessica looks on in disbelief. Finally, they open their eyes.)

Ethan: I’m sorry.

Poppy: No, no, it’s fine, I just… (sniffles) I had hope, you know?

Jessica: We literally found its bones encased in solid owl vomit, there was no hope.

Poppy: (Sighs) Maybe if we’d have been faster...What else does it say on there?

Ethan: Well, his cause of death was lack of life.

Poppy: That’s very sad to hear.

Ethan: I know. Uh, his bones were made of normal bone material.

Poppy: Oh, that’s good. No Winter-Soldier metal arm?

Ethan: No, no, not that we can see.

Poppy: Are you sure?

Ethan: …Yes.

Poppy: Okay, what else?

Ethan: Well, his death was not natural. We could find no traces of flesh.

Poppy: So this is a well-seasoned killer.

Ethan: I think so. It also says here that the bones are in good condition, but they are breakable.

Poppy: Is that normal?

Ethan: Yes, although people who break their bones aren’t.

Poppy: How long has he been dead?

Ethan: About a month.

(Unnecessary close-ups of Poppy’s, Ethan’s, and Jessica’s faces.)

Poppy: This is a long-term unsolved mystery then.

Ethan: Yes indeed.

Jessica: Dude. There is literally no mystery.

Poppy: Do we have any suspects?

Ethan: As of now, there is no tell-tale evidence.

Jessica: Oh, for the love of god, it was an owl–

Poppy: If we have no evidence in the body, then that means we should go back to the crime scene!

Jessica: No!

Scene 3

They’re back at the crime scene.

Poppy: Hmmmm. I see that the ground is littered with multiple bodies. This is not only a well-seasoned bird, but also a serial killer bird. These burders are shaping up to be much more twisted than we originally thought, ey, Jessica?

Jessica: It’s an owl! There’s an owl perch right there! Those are owl droppings!

(Poppy turns around to look at Jessica pensively)

Poppy: Why are you so upset about it, huh, Jessica? Is there something that you’re hiding from us and our one-person production team?

(Slam-shot of the one singular camera person.)

Jessica: No, I just think this is stupid.

Poppy: I think your face is stupid.

(Silence fills the scene. Poppy lowers her head in shame.)

Poppy: I…didn’t mean that.

Jessica: No, it’s fine. I see how it is.

Poppy: No-

Jessica: You think you can do this without me? Fine!

Poppy: No, please don’t leave!

Jessica: (Walking away) I can see I’m not wanted.

Poppy: (Under her breath) There are donuts for the cast after this.

(Jessica turns back around)

Jessica: Guess I’m staying then.

(Poppy looks at the camera and smiles.)

Poppy: As you can see, the tension has passed and we’re back on the hunt for clues!

Jessica: There are literally no clues, though.

Ethan: Don’t say that! There’s always hope!

Jessica: (Sighs) How much am I getting paid?

Poppy: Donuts, and, uh, 20 quid.

Jessica: What’s quid?

Poppy: I dunno, British money I think. I got it on a treasure hunt at a little kid’s birthday party.

Jessica: You were invited to a little kid’s birthday party?

Poppy: No.

(Everyone falls silent and Ethan starts trying to lick the tree.)

Poppy: (Still looking at Jessica) Ethan, for the love of god, if you lick that tree on camera–

Ethan: Fine! I won’t!

(He throws his hands up and steps back.)

Ethan: By the way, I found incriminating evidence.

Jessica and Poppy: What?

Ethan: Yeah, there’s an owl post right there.

Poppy: Wow! What an unexpected discovery! None of us could’ve seen this coming! Are you getting this on camera, Carl? We’re gonna win an Emmy for this.

(Jessica stares at the camera in disbelief.)

Jessica: Is this a prank or something?

Poppy: So can we climb up it to look inside?

Ethan: No. Its features are unstable, I think. I might have to test it, though.

Jessica: Okay, where did you get your science degree?

Ethan: Columbia University.

Jessica: …Wait, weren’t people there caught for selling drugs?

(Poppy, Ethan, and Jessica walk slowly back to the house as Poppy does a voiceover.)

Poppy (Voiceover): With a dead end in our case and a shockingly long list of suspects, we went back to our headquarters to think, and also to keep Ethan from licking another tree and embarrassing me on TV again.

(They walk back into the house and sit down on the couch.)

Ethan: When do we get donuts?

Poppy: (Sharply) Once we solve the case.

Ethan: Rude.

Poppy: I-I’m sorry. I’m just under a lot of pressure.

Ethan: I understand.

Jessica: I don’t.

Poppy: Wait– in the autopsy! What did it say for ‘cause of death’ again?

Ethan: Lack of life.

Poppy: I got it! I think I just solved the case!

Jessica: How?!

Poppy: It was the owl! It all makes sense now! The owl post, the owl droppings, those were insignificant clues.

Jessica: OH my GOD. Are you guys for real?

Poppy: But the cause of death being the lack of life is funny, because owls are the sign of inner wisdom, change, transformation, and self-accusation!

Jessica: I think you mean self-actualization?

Poppy: No, that’s stupid, why would I mean that? Anyways, owls resemble all that, which is what Athena, the Greek goddess stood for, and she was in Greece. In Greece, there was an owl, and a man, named Leonardo DaVinci.

Jessica: Huh?

Poppy: Leonardo saw the owl and got the genius idea to create Duolingo, which is famous for giving people the lack of life!

Ethan: Wow! It was the owl!

Jessica: Are you guys dumb?! Of course it’s the owl! That’s what I’ve been saying all along!

Poppy: (Kindly) Ohh, I understand. You’re jealous that I solved it before you. That’s fine, I totally get it. I am very competitive. And that was a really hard case! But you’ll do better next time, I’m sure.

Jessica: Or maybe you’re just jealous of me because I have actual talents that don’t include being able to eat a hotdog with your elbows.

(Poppy stares at Jessica for a beat before bursting out crying. She buries her face in her arms and sobs.)

Ethan: (Accusingly) Oh my god Jessica, you made her cry.

Jessica: I-I didn’t! She just started crying!-

(The cameras cut out and we come back to all of them looking at the sunset.)

Poppy (Voiceover): With the mystery solved and Ethan currently being sued for licking a tree that did not belong to him, we close out this episode with a final message: don’t commit homicide.

(I’m Like a Bird by Nelly Furtado starts playing as the team sits calmly on the stairs. Bloopers. The end.)