Published September 5, 2008
Well, I had to write a 75-word short story for English, so I thought I'd post it here to see what ya'll think about it
"God rest his weary soul." A dark phantasmal figure stood atop the flag-draped casket, surrounded by a crowd of people. In the front row stood his wife and child, the only two he wished he could touch. A chill rattled his spine, a skinless hand rested itself on his shoulder. He turned to find a cloaked skeleton, surrounded by dark energy. The skeleton glanced at a framed picture.
"Come, Soldier. Follow me to the abyss."
Also, if you think another title would better suit this piece, please tell me! I'm not one for titles ![]()
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hey, there, FinalFreedom. FireFox here to review your short short story on behalf of the Apple Dumpling Gang.
Alright, I understand that this was a story in which you were extremely limited in regards to word count, so there really wasn't much more you could do to better this piece. If my assumptions are correct, this soldier died (perhaps in battle, perhaps not), and this is his funeral/ceremony. He is watching his wife and child as his funeral procession goes on. He is being summoned by Death, or a similar figure, to fully pass over instead of continuing to sit in limbo and mourn his own death.
I really love this piece, but if there was a way that you could even give us a sentence worth of back-story, I think that would help your reader connect with this exceptionally short piece. It is hard to instill a connection between MC and Reader with such a strict limit, but it is possible!
-FireFox
Hi, Final! Time for a review!

To start off, I don't really understand what was the point of this. Even though it was well-written and very descriptive, the essentials just weren't there. The details stole away the space, so instead, add some more necessary information for readers to understand what you are trying to say. This is a story that confuses me since you didn't say many things.
Here are some questions that are left unanswered:
1. Why are the wife and child the only ones? Where are the parents, friends, and etc. at?
2. Where is the abyss?
3. Nitpick: Why is soldier capitalized?
Other than that, this is fine. The problem is just that it is complicated to understand unless you read it multiple times, and sometimes people just don't have the time for that.
My rating:
9/10
This is a great rating, considering I never gave anyone a 10 before, and 9 1/2 is the highest score I ever gave.
Keep writing!
~Kitty
Well it`s not very much to say. The idea is good but many would prefer to make it bigger o.O . Speak about how he got in that situation. Why was he dying? Say something about the growing happiness when he sees his long lost family, about how his wife looked, about how his kid was waving and smiling at him. That dark bloke : You haven't convinced me with that... From what you say he could be a demon or something... More words for that.

And you asked for a title - "Nihil" - means "Nothing" in latin... The soldier follows Death to the abyss, to nothing... maybe its a stupid idea but at least i tried
As you said yourself, this is REALLY short, but I kinda like the idea of writing such short stories (it adds a challenge). As there isn't much text, I don't have much to say.
Considering the limited number of words allowed, I think you did a nice job describing the situation, though I must say that the description of the Grim Reaper/Death figure was a bit boring, compared to the rest. You didn't make him unique in any way. We can all of course recognize him because of this description, but even if you chose to make him/it different, I think we would get the idea.
About the title. I'm not good at titles myself, and I usually just use a single word (just as you have done). However, instead of "Soldier" you could choose a word that describes the mood or the soldier's feelings. You could also use some sort of metaphor to describe in very few words what the story is about (though I have no concrete examples).