It's short, but it details what the story will be about, or at least it does for me o.O oh, and I also need a title XD
Videl cringed as pain shot up and down her right arm, struggling to keep it from having a seizure. Fighting the urge to scream and writhe around on the dirt covered floor of her tent, she sat down and struggled open a drawer, taking out a needle filled with cloudy liquid.
"You should really have that looked at, Major Breedan." Videl smirked as Brigadier Pelin wandered into her tent, has hands neatly holding his cap at his stomach. "This war is not like the ones we have studied of modern warfare from that place the Historian's made up; Earth, was it?"
"Earth indeed, Pelin." She replied with a snicker, sliding her hand down her blood-stained tunic. "What brings you here at such high times of battle?"
"To check on you, what else?" She smiled. Flirting had never been Calter Pidel's strong point. "But in all manners of seriousness, you must get your arm healed, Major. We cannot have our strongest battalion to falter because their leader is down with Harveden."
"Calm down, Calter, just relax. I won't be coming down with that sort of infection any time soon. Besides, the scar is nearly healed fully, it's just the muscle that pains me." She said, her face going white with nightmarish memories of what had happened during battle the previous week. "What of my battalion, Brigadier?"
"I hear they are as fierce as ever, Videl. But please do not stray from the matter of importance, why do you refuse healing? Do you disagree with the methods of doctoring the Historian's have taught us?" Calter moved closer to her, concern clear upon his face. She shook her head.
"No, Brigadier, I realize the amazing advances our country has made since that discovery, but I also realize the lack of separation between our world and this supposed Earth. History is meant to be studied, not repeated, considering this history is real." She breathed deeply, trying to calm herself as pain once again shook her arm. "And I refuse healing, Calter, because I like to keep my battle scars."
"A battle scar that very well may kill you!"
"Well so be it, then! If it kills me, then I am gone, and the world will be a better place. I am the only one standing between complete destruction of who everyone wants to be and who everyone is, when I am gone this world will find it was better off without me." Her seat fell to the ground and she stood in a fury, smashing her hand atop her desk. Calter backed up a step, his knuckles going white from the tight grip he held on his hat. "This war was started because of our supposed destiny, Calter! If our destiny is for every god damn country to destroy one another then I would rather be buried in a box than standing on top of one!" Videl began to shake as she held her hand in a fist on her desk, watching as Calter placed his hat once again on top of his head.
"You truly have gone mad, Videl. I had hoped a woman like you could hold her sanity better in the midst of bloody battle that is only getting bloodier." He said in a quite tone, looking down at his feet.
"War was only ever meant to be bloody before it got clean, Calter. I am not mad, just sensible. I refuse to believe that the ways of people who never even existed will ever better our society." She replied, shouting.
"Await deportation, Videl. You should never have come here. Your battalion will be awarded a more...sane commander." Calter tipped his hat and backed out of the tent.
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I didn't think the dialogue went on too long...but then I think I might be guilty of that myself.
If this is the prologue i was just thinking that you might want to slow down and deal a bit more with the characters before you go plunging into the whole bit about earth, which i am assuming has been destroyed. Otherwise it gets too info-dumpish. It isn't at the moment, but it could get that way. You want to slowly unwrap pieces of your world to your reader.
Elsewise I like it, let me know when more is posted.
Ah. That clears up a lot. Thank you.
And to Griffinkeeper, I think that the use of dialogue is quite tasteful in advancing the story. There is just the right balance between it and description. And besides, they're sitting in a tent. What else can they do BUT talk?
Dialogue goes on way too much. See [url="http://limyaael.livejournal.com/129516.html"]this[/url] writing link for more information.
I think that just about covers it...
Well, the first chapter explains a lot more, but it isn't about the crusades. It is set in a fantasy world somewhat like that of the world in FF7, but different. Historians uncover hidden books and of a world that was destroyed long ago, and soon start trying to create that world once more. The war is set in a time where the changes were just coming underway, but every country had different idea's on how it should work, so they start a world war, basically.
The actual book is set about a century after this war, appropriately named "The Flame War" for reasons later to be explained. What ended up happening was with the change to Earth humanity, everyone lost their ability to have long life spans.
The race that they previously were was like an elven type with slightly pricked ears and thin, agile bodies. Their life span was 300 at the youngest, but they never looked it. Their life span was reduced to 80 years and they lost all speed and agility they once had. Videl, being the only one against the movement, kept hers.
In the time of the actual book now, she is almost 200 years old, but looks nothing like it, and teaches history at a high school. War has destroyed the world, and it isn't until now that people are quoting her and saying she was right.
And no, she isn't putting laudanaum into her arm, she's putting a pain relief fluid, also later to be explained.
Is this about the Crusades? If it is, you do an interesting job of describing what the battles were like. I like how you don't necessarily describe the intensity of the battles, but instead focus on the injuries and pain inflicted by the constant fighting. Then, again, it probably isn't about the Crusades. Women weren't allowed to participate in those battles. That's another point. It would be nice if you could speify the time period so people could get an idea of the sophistication of technology and sexism and stuff like that. Interesting beginning, though. I find myself wondering what Videl will do next.
And is she taking laudanaum through a needle??