Archmagus
Prologue
The clock strikes 7:00 AM, a new day begins. A regular boy with a slightly
above average height and dark hair wakes up at a regular house in the regular
town of Summerwoods. The boy gets up, still half-asleep, and stumbles around
his quite messy room until the closet. He puts on a black shirt, a red hoodie,
a pair of jeans and his shoes.
"Breakfast is on the table!", the boy hears his mom shout from the
floor below so he runs down the stairs.
"Did you brush your teeth? Did you wash your face? Did you comb your
hair?" Inquired his mother.
"Mooooom, I'm gonna eat now so why brush before?"
"No replies young man! It's your 15 year old birthday and I want you
looking as sharp as you can!"
And up he goes again, in the middle of washing his face he takes a good look at
his face, his odd-eyes were bright blue on his right eye and deep green on his
left eye. Getting his personal hygiene done, back he was again to the table.
"Now, much better,
aren't we?"
"Leave the kid be, Candace! Don't suffocate the boy on his big day!"
Once again, his father saved him from what could become a 30-minute long grooming session.
"Fine fine, Eric." His mom stopped, contradicted, but she understood
him.
"Here you go, Marco. I made a special B-day launch for you today. Run so
you can catch the bus on time!"
So he did, for about 3
to 5 meters, he never was one much for exercise despite his slim build. He knew
the bus would not come so soon anyway, so he could stroll down the street
covered in orange leaves and catch the bus without a rush, he could enjoy the
view of the trees now halfway through losing all their leaves at this point of
autumn.
Once in the bus, his two best friends were quick to congratulate him.
"Marco! Happy birthday! 15 years, eh? When you gonna find a girlfriend?"
Marco got embarrassed although he tried to hide it. He still couldn't muster the courage to call that one girl out.
"Thanks, Finn! But what about yourself? I don't see your girlfriend!"
"I told you! She lives in another state!"
"Sure she does…"
Marco knew Finn would
often make up stories about things like these but at this point he had already
learned when to tell them apart from truth.
The event that turned them into inseparable friends was the time Finn was the
first to not make fun of Marco's odd-eyes, he found them deeply interesting to
tell the truth. In return, Marco would always stand up to the bullies who would
make fun of Finn for being short for his age.
"Congratulations, Marco! I wish you much happiness in this day!"
This was Susan. Susan
was the child who would sit on the front row for every class and eat her lunch
alone on a table. That was until Marco and Fin started calling her to play when
they were smaller. They soon discovered she was very smart, they started making
many studying sessions together because she could explain very complex concepts
in terms anyone could easily understand.
The trip to the Summerwoods High School was bumpy but the trio went chatting
about their favourite comics and TV shows.
Classes were usually dull, nothing different happened more than ever so rarely.
In fact, that appeared to be the rule for the entire town. Before classes
started, Marco would often daydream through the window, pretending there was
something out there waiting for him to discover, that would break the boredom
and the monotony of the everyday.
During break, the trio was playing outside when the idea struck.
"Hey, Marco!" Said Finn.
"What?"
"After school, let's race to the arcade! The last one there pays tokens
for the other two!"
"Man, you're always so energetic, why run?"
"Because it's so fun!"
"I think it's a marvelous idea. We should do so!" Agreed Susan.
"Well, I think it's settled then."
And so, Marco complied and the deal was made.
The clock ticked, the bell rang and the class was over. In 5 minutes, the trio
was ready at the school gate.
"On the count of 3!"
Finn started the countdown.
"3... 2... 1... Go!"
And as soon as he said "Go!", all 3 started to run to the arcade.
However, Marco decided to take a detour. Observant as he was, he noticed there
was an alley that could cut a significant part of the run for him.
"Ah, I had my eyes on this shortcut for a while now but it always seemed
suspicious! But now is an emergency!"
Marco was growing
concerned whether or not Finn had already outran him or not, but his concern
would soon cease and be replaced by the greatest feeling of confusion of his
life.
In the middle of the alley, he froze, his legs just wouldn't move, he felt the
air around him become electric, a greenish light started to shine underneath
him. Before he could think of calling for help, a sudden lightning struck him
where he stood and he was gone. As the dust settled, not a trace was left
behind and the thunderclap unheard by everyone.
"Awaken..." Marco heard an unfamiliar voice, very low pitched and
deep enough to let him feel a vibration in his chest.
"Am I dead...?" Marco slowly opened his eyes, trying to make sense of
his surroundings.
"No... At least I think not... I am at a library... A very big one at
that..." Said him to himself, slowly looking up to a roof that seemed to
fade away in the distance.
The place had a circular structure, with some glassworks on the windows of symbols that seemed random to him. The place looked ancient, the books too, the architecture was clearly from old times but the cloth changes left around and an old vinyl player made him doubt this notion.
"Come to me..." Marco heard the voice once again. It beckoned him
towards it.
Marco, then, stood on the center of a circular mosaic in the middle of some
bookshelves near the place he had awoken at. The stones in the borders of such
pad began to glow with a sky-blue light, arching energy of the same color
between them. The pad began to move, leaving the ground, the sudden motion made
Marco fall to his knees and hands as he started to get lift up into the
ceiling.
After about one minute of fast ascension, he arrived at a platform way above
where he was, but still far from reaching the ceiling. He slowly stood up,
looking around and noticing many portraits on the walls of a very wide area,
almost like an arena, the ground of bare stone that seemed to have been burnt a
long while ago.
"Open your eyes..." Once again, he heard the voice speak to him. This
time it was much clearer than it was before, it was closer and louder.
"Who are you?! Why am I here and what happened to me?" Inquired
Marco, unsure of what was to follow.
"You need not fret, child... I am an ally... Open your eyes and it shall
become clear..." The voice once again instructed him, in a very calm tone.
"My eyes are open. If I open them more they might pop out!" Marco
couldn't understand what the voice could mean, he was looking around, searching
for the person calling out to him but he couldn't see anyone.
"No, child... You must open your true eyes... Close them, concentrate in
your eyes and open them slowly..."
Marco did so. It all appeared ridiculous, as if by magic someone would just appear. However, he had just been lifted meters in the air by a stone pad. It seemed worth trying.
"Well... Here goes nothing..." He thought to himself.
He closed his eyes, focused on them, how they felt in the sockets, where they were in his head and remembered the color each one was... And then he opened them. His eyes had begun to glow, energy emanating from them, as they became glowing balls of blue light on the right and green light in the left. Marco looked to his own hands and feet to see what had become of him.
"Yes...! Good, now raise your head...!" The voice quickly became
excited. Marco slowly looked up.
"W-what?! Who- WHAT are you?!" Marco fell on his behind.
The shock of this new sight had struck him too strongly, before him was a giant Dragon with golden light shining bright from symbols written in lined through it's body, it was lying on his belly so it’s front claws were beside it, each easily bigger than a van. It's eyes were lustrous orbs of deep blue, it's fangs were long, it's wings were contracted but even like that they made Marco sure he could stretch them out enough to cover a whole football field, it's scales were of a deep gold hue and seemed almost metallic.
Marco was on the brink of a panic attack but the Dragon began to speak to him with the voice he had been listening so far.
"You need not fear me, Marco... I am Arcandûr, Keeper of the Hidden Spire,
Guardian and Loyal servant of the Archmagus..." The dragon lowered his
head in reverence to Marco.
"I... I don't understand! What's all this?! Why am I here and who is
Archmagus?!" Marco asked while he picked himself up, keeping a defensive
pose ready to run.
"Allow me to explain... This story harkens back to a time immemorial to
humans...
In the primordial times of the Earth, there was a constant flow of Arcana
through the world. This flow served as fuel to magic creatures of many kinds:
Ogres, Fairies, Fauns... Even Dragons. There were also pitiful little creatures
inhabiting the world: humans. Humans possessed no special feature whatsoever...
Until one day, one of them burst with the Arcana, this human's eyes lashed out
energy much like yours were just now.
After the initial shock, he learned he had gained the power to harness the flow
of the Arcana, he had gained power and so he was revered as a God-sent King to
the other humans. Soon, they began to multiply, create big structures, take
land and win wars against the other races living on Earth... But, powerful as
this human may have been, a human he still were, and as all humans, eventually
time takes its toll and the human perished.
With those news, the peoples of the world sighed with relief. However, a big
surprise was in store for them. Soon after this human perished, a new one burst
with Arcana just as the previous one. A new Archmagus had awakened.
That is what you are, Marco… A human chosen by the Arcana.
This cycle of death and
awakening endured on and on until the humans came onto terms with the other
races.
But fate has a will of its own and we all dance to its tune. One time, the
Arcana chose a new human, a particularly well mentally gifted human, a young
boy named Merlin. Merlin had been intrigued by the Arcana for his whole life
and had collected many books and scrolls that told legends about and contained
writings of the old Archmagi. Fate declared that this boy was to be chosen as
the new Archmagus, one of the greatest to ever live. He studied the Arcana his
whole life, the entire time it lasted. At one point, his understanding of the
Arcana became so fine he created portals to other worlds, worlds he offered the
races of the world to inhabit. Many complied with the Great Parting of the
Cosmos and received whole worlds to their people, where they could live away
from humans and in peace forever. Some remained, and as the humans again
spread, their lands were taken and their culture vanished... Merlin came to
repent what he caused to the world, he had made it a world without diversity,
without the Magic he grew up admiring so much. Merlin built a fortress, then. A
Hidden Spire where he stored all the knowledge he managed to compile, written
by the Archmagus of old and by himself.
As his final measure to ensure his mistakes not get repeated or worse mistakes
not made, he chose a Guardian to keep the Spire. It was I, Arcandûr, at the
time known as Darandûr, King of Dragonkind. Merlin came to me once, as humble
as he could get himself, he told me his story... Then he offered me the
opportunity to guide the future Archmagi through the ages by binding my life to
the Spire. 'Idiocy!' Thought me at the time. Why would I even consider doing
the will of a human? However, Merlin was a clever one if anything else: He
promised me eternal life in exchange for my servitude, the eternal throne of Dragonkind
and ensured the world we lived in would be ever prosperous. Thus, I accepted,
an eternal alliance between the humans and the magic creatures was forged...
Forged with mine his blood in a ritual that bound my soul to the Spire he had
created, a place between worlds that cannot be accessed by none other than the
Archmagus and myself.
In the Twilight of his life, Merlin made one last Spell, one last enchantment
that completely separated this and the other worlds. He cleansed the planet of
traces left behind by the other races and made all knowledge about them fall
into legend. As the life and the Arcana completely left his body, I took him to
the tomb he had designed in life to hide not just his body, but artefacts he
forged with his dense magical knowledge he deemed too dangerous left unattended
even if left in the Spire.
This is the story of this tower, Marco. The story of the people who built it,
lived in it, that came, that went... Your people, Marco. And my story
too..."
Marco sat down; this was too much to take in. He looked at his hands again, now
a faint smoky energy was swirling around his arms. He looked at Arcandûr, who
was looking back at him, patiently and eagerly waiting for a response. He
remembered how he would daydream of adventure and new things and now it had
found him. Then he stood up.
"So... That means I'm a wizard? What am I supposed to do with this power? What am I supposed to do with all these books? How do I even get away from here? How do you know my name, now that I think about it?" Marco seemed more calmed, restless still but the initial shock had passed. He looked at the Dragon with a confused expression.
"Answering your last question, this place is strongly tied to the Arcana
and thus, to the Archmagus. I am linked to you, Marco.
For the others, I have no answer, the Arcana works in mysterious ways that
cannot be fully understood. I already had more than a few Archamguses that used
these incredible gifts to earn themselves money. Others that tried to change
world and had the world turned against them; and others who chose to completely
ignore this gift fate imposed on them.
What I advise you to do now is this: leave the Spire, you will return directly
to where you left as if nothing happened. Think it through; I will still be
here waiting for your response. Take that key over that book behind you
whenever you wish to leave." Arcandûr had seen such a scene repeat time
and again. He knew by now what was best for a newly awakened Arhmagus.
"I... I guess you are right... I'll be taking my leave now... I really
gotta digest all this before I can think this straight..." Marco was
obviously shaken by his new reality but he was keeping control of his emotions.
"Very well, then. Farewell, young master Marco." Arcandûr bode him
farewell while making another reverence with his head.
Marco used the same mosaic pad to return to the floor he awoke in. Upon
arriving there, he realized he got the key, but didn't know what it opened.
"Choose a door and wish to go back where you were, Marco..." Arcandûr's voice echoed again in his mind.
Before he left, though, he looked at the books around him and decided to take
one with him, to prove to himself this wasn't all a dream. He chose the one
with the most appropriate title he could wish for: "Basic Spells for new Archmagi
and Alchemic Circle Creation, By Daniel Jackson. 1942".
Now, Marco was face to face with the first door he could find, he concentrated
and mustered his will to go back where he was. He twisted the key and unlocked
the door. The door opened and showed the same shady alley he was shortcutting
by minutes ago. He jumped out the door and closed the door behind him, as he
did, the door shrunk out of existence and there he was. Marco was still
emanating power, though. He concentrated to hide it by calming himself and
letting it all flow out of his body. It worked; no trace of magic was on his
external appearance that could give away his nature.
He put the tome he had found in his backpack and ran to the arcade he almost
forgot he was to go.
He ran; ran for all the way until the arcade to discharge some of the
adrenaline he had built up just now.
As he arrived, he saw Susan and Finn coming his way running.
"Hey! Marco? How did you get here so fast?" Finn had a surprised look
on his face; he didn't see Marco overrun him.
"You used a
shortcut, didn't you?"
"Hehe, you got me. I found one in an alley near school." Marco said
while drying the sweat on his forehead.
"Marco, is everything alright? You look pale, as if you'd seen a ghost."
"Yeah... Now that she says it..."
Both Susan and Finn start to notice Marco's nervous face.
"Ah! Must be because if the sudden amount of exercise I got!" Marco
replied to their comments.
"But what I want to know is how Susan outran you!" Marco had to
change the subject quick, he couldn't let them ask anymore or else he would
have to explain the whole thing that happened to him.
"Oh, I gave it my all but I think it's mainly because he is always so
intense about other things, I ended up having more energy left!" Susan
said this with a smile on her face.
"No kidding, man! This girl is fast! And look, she didn't even break a
sweat!" Finn was at a total loss in this one.
"Welp, I guess you'll just have to pay us both tokens then!"
"Oh, come on! Can't we agree to something else?"
"No way, rules are the rules! And you made them so follow them!"
Finn was defeated at this point; he honored the agreement and paid tokens for
all three of them.
On that afternoon, Marco enjoyed the time with his friends but always seemed to
space off, it was hard to take his mind away from the thoughts he was having
due to his newfound heritage. They played until the sunset, when the autumn
leaves and the sun match in color, and then they each went home. Marco used the
walk home to think about what he should do with this ability he had acquired
but none of the things he thought seemed to be a good option: Some were too
dangerous or would take from him the things he most enjoyed.
Upon arriving home, he met his parents readying their things to go to work,
they worked on the night shift.
"Hey mom, dad."
"Oh! Hello, Marco! Mom and dad are getting ready to leave for work but
don't think we won't have time for your birthday!" His mother was very
glad he had arrived before they left.
"Marcs, let's go to the kitchen and have some of that cake, eh?" His
father put his hand on his shoulder and the three of them now were in the
kitchen, a beautiful black and white chocolate cake was over the table with
fifteen candles spread on it. They sang "Happy Birthday" to him while
his mother took a few pictures in the meanwhile.
"Make a wish!" Both said at the same time, as if they had trained for
this.
So Marco blew all the candles and made his wish while the smoke rose and it's
scent filled the room.
"Heavens! Would you look at the time... Baby, we are gonna get late for
work." His mother looked at the clock on the wall behind Marco and kissed
his cheek, his father came and gave him a strong hug.
"We have a gift for you! It's on your bed already! Bye Marco, we love
you!" They said while already leaving the house to get to work on time.
"Bye Mom, Bye Dad! See you tomorrow morning!" Marco waved at them
through the window.
He was excited to see
what his parents got him, he threw his backpack on the bed and the tome he took
from the Spire fell out of it. He looked at it, thinking, but he decided to
leave it be, he wouldn't let that bother him now.
Marco grabbed the present, a long, medium black box with a wrap on it. Marco
opened the case and found a note "Happy Bday, Marco! Love, mom &
dad." Marco started laughing; he remembered Arcandûr's words saying fate
has weird ways for he was holding one of the things he had wanted for quite a
long time, a Harry Potter wand replica. Well, irony or not, he was excited to
be the proud owner of such an item.
Marco was about ready to go to bed, bath taken and teeth brushed, when
curiosity stroke. He decided to take a quick peek at the tome. He opened the
book, the cover was old but not quite ancient, old as in books you would find
at the local library's history section, the pages were beginning to turn
yellow. He turned the pages until he reached the index. There were many
chapters indicated there: Understanding the Arcana, Channeling the Arcana,
Simple Spells for Beginners, Imbuing Items with the Arcana and Creating Magic
Focuses... The list went on and on, Marco decided that it was too late at night
to try to study any of that, but now he had got very interested on the book.
He but the book back into the backpack and went to bed, hoping to make sense of
it all by then.
As Marco was falling asleep, his parents had already arrived at their workplace
on the next town, the Hemmingway Centre of Technological Advancement's
Metaphysical Research wing or HCTAMR for short. It was a complex that had great
minds working on fields that conventional science had deemed too fantastic to
spend resources on. It was on a town named Wanderfield that consisted of a huge
research center that could function away from unwanted eyes. There, Marco's
parents were the lead scientists on the Metaphysical Research project the
Hemmingway Centre began conducting.
"Good night, Dr. Eric and Dr. Candace Smithson." A lab coat wearing
man approaches them, looking rather restless.
"Good night, Dr. Johnson. Any news on the Phenomenon?" Marco's father
greeted him back, now with a posture different from the laid back father he has
at home.
"We got good news indeed! Our sensors detected an entanglement spike on
the next city! We can't pinpoint the exact location but it's quite our luck it
happened so close!" This scientist was getting progressively more
agitated.
"Calm down, Dr. Johnson. Show us where the spike occurred." Marco's
mother now seemed to get worried.
"No... Eric, this means... It's right in our city!"
"The new Chosen has awakened... Good, this is what we have been waiting
for! If we manage to capture him while he still doesn't learn to control his
powers!" Eric and Candace now became as restless as the scientist that
came to them.
"Indeed! If we capture this person, we can advance in technology by leaps
and bounds; also understand the energy that flows through everything that can
barely be detected!"
"Doctor, take us to the Lab!" Now the three of them were running
towards the room where their greatest machines and minds were working to
determine more facts about the mysterious force that the whole wing was
fervently trying to comprehend.
This is the event that completely turned Marco's life around; how his life
forever changed and how he had a whole world opened to him, whether he wanted
or not. That night, he slept peacefully, unaware of what fate had in store for
him, for his friends and for his family.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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I think your story has a lot of potential. It's a really cool concept, but there are some things you can improve on. You should avoid describing characters as regular, I know it's tempting, but they aren't regular, that's why you're writing a story about them. There is also the deal with there is really no such thing as regular, every human is different and calling a character a single word can come off as lazy. Not that you are, your just a better writer than that I'm sure.
Another thing I would suggest is, don't give the history all at once. You need to spread it out or it's overwhelming and we don't get the full impact behind those words. Emotional impact is really something to focus on, you need to have meaning behind ever word you write or you lose a lot of great storytelling power.
Try to avoid you using words like but, and, and so. I get sometimes you have to use them, ex: the two times I used but in this review. You should really avoid them, they weaken sentences and take away description power. Remember you are above these words, they don't need to be used, they are a crutch and you're better than that. What I do is I go back and read my first draft while crossing out every and I can. Maybe you would benefit from the same thing.
Hey-o! My name is Gummy and I'm here to review your work! As custom dictates, I'll be looking at the good points first before jumping into what I think leaves room for improvement. With that said, let's begin this review:
First off, I have to congratulate you for giving these characters a unique personality with their own backstory. I also loved the manner in which you described the dragon. Each character feels like their own separate being that can be identified out of the mass simply by their characterization and dialogue.
As for the less-than-stellar parts of this story, I'll try not to overwhelm you... Not that there's much to overwhelm with in the first place, though! For starters, this is a huge prologue. If I were to split this "prologue" into two, I'd set the dividing line after the following line:
"You need not fear me, Marco... I am Arcandûr, Keeper of the Hidden Spire, Guardian and Loyal servant of the Archmagus..." The dragon lowered his head in reverence to Marco."
There's way too much backstory for the Prologue. The prologue for any story is made to set the tone and give the reader a hint as to the entire rest of the story waiting for them. By placing so much backstory at the very beginning of the story, you'd be alienating the readers... You're establishing a huge chunk of the plot before the readers get the chance to even remember the character's names. In short, I would simply take it easy on those backstories and leave the prologue as just a tool to set the mood for the rest of the story.
Even though it's a rather long read, I actually enjoyed this piece. You give great descriptions and provide interesting characters to the mix. I would SO read any continuation to this submission. With that said, I say good-bye for now. I really hope to review another one of your works someday, because I really like your style. Best of luck in your future endeavors!
~Gummy
Thank you so much, Gummy! I'll fix the down sides and make sure the future parts are improved and exciting!
When it comes to describing a character's physical features, I think you should integrate what he looks like during the storytelling. You do it well when you introduce Finn later on, so just do it with Marco as well. When I pull a book off the library shelf and read the first paragraph, I have to be hooked right away or else I'm putting it right back. Describing how tall this boy is doesn't really do that for me.
This is a lot of information you're trusting your readers to remember. It's cool that you've thought of this whole intricate world with it's own incredible backstory, but huge info dumps like this aren't always the most interesting thing to read. Instead of having this huge monologue, one option you could take is to split it up into dialogue, or just tell the reader what's happening now and give more of the backstory later on.
That's all we really needed to know right now -- he found a dragon, he's now a wizard. You want to give your readers questions so that they want to keep reading, and the how and why he became a wizard can be one of those questions.
Character-wise, I think Finn is probably my favorite, the nice guy who is unfortunately bullied and Marco stands up for him. Though I'm unsure about their names -- Finn just reads "epic adventure hero" to me, and Marco sounds like the name of a best friend. I personally would've swapped them.
Description-wise, I think you're pretty good at, I really adore your description of the dragon. Plot-wise it's a bit hard to understand, but the bits that are easy to understand are very interesting. The mother didn't seem like that interesting of a character at first, but the parents trying their best to capture the "chosen one", not knowing that it's their son is very interesting to me.
This is quite heavy for a prologue, which is normally just background information pertaining to the story itself. The question you need to ask yourself is; will your reader be okay if they skip the prologue and just start with chapter one? If the answer is no, then your prologue should actually be chapter one.
This is a nice effort -- the story is interesting, and it's obvious a lot of thought and inspiration went into devising the backstory for the plot. I'd like to see the characters fleshed out more and the vital information spread out so it's not as overwhelming. This is a really nice effort, I hope to see you share more.
Wow! Thanks a lot! I'll make sure fix these issues.