I'm Fine
( I've never written a poem this is a first I would like some feed back)
I said I was fine
And you answered " ok "
I said I was fine
And you looked away
I said I was fine
And you did nothing but ignore me
I said I was fine
And all you heard were words
I said I was fine
And I left you alone.
You went away,
And I stayed without you.
When I said I was fine,
I was awake for sleepless nights
When I said I was fine,
I was slowly sinking into the ground
When I said I was fine,
There was nothing to comfort me but the endless sky
When I said I was fine,
you did not care,
Yet I held onto you for hope
When I said I was fine,
It felt like an abandoned puppy.
I said I was fine,
And you never read in between the lines.
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140,218 Literary Works • 673,046 Reviews
Hey!
Great first poem! I'm going to give you a bit of general poetry writing advice since this is a great job as a first poem.
Firstly, I suggest you read poetry. Read all kinds of poetry. Read wildly and bravely and vastly. Read from all cultures and time periods and genres and forms! The Poetry Foundation has a lot of really good poems that you can read from many diverse authors, as does poets.org. A good resource for forms of poetry is Shadow Poetry.
Secondly, I'd suggest you start to write poems that involve concrete images and other sensory details. What can you see and touch and smell and taste and hear? Put those kinds of details into a poem! Using this strategy can really ground your poetry and make your readers connect to it. When you read poetry (step one, right? haha), take note of your favorite lines and favorite poems, and then look for the imagery in them. See what very specific sensory details that the poet uses, and try to do things like that in your poetry!
This poem that you've shared with us is lacking sensory images, so it feels just abstract, and it's not very memorable to the reader.
Thirdly, in addition to forms of poetry (like sonnet, haiku, villanelle, pantoum, etc.), learn about all of the poetic devices you can use in your poetry! In this poem here, you use repetition/refrain, which can be a very powerful device, though I think the way you use it here isn't quite the way it's meant to be used. I think that almost all great poems make use of metaphor, and rhyme and rhythm can be great tools, although they're very easy to misuse and mess up. I recommend practicing with rhythm and rhyme, but they take a really long time to figure out how to get them to sound natural and not forced. Practice makes passable though! I also love assonance (repetition of vowel sound, like in the sentence "Born in the morgue, George was forlorn when his orange porridge spilled on the floor." That's a bit overkill, but you see what I mean.) and consonance, or alliteration (peter piper picked a peck of pickled peppers). There's a bunch of other poetic devices, and I'm sure there's a good list of them somewhere online if you look!
Fourthly, and this is as important as the first part, keep writing! This is just your first poem, and I'll be straight with you, it's not very good. But as a first poem? It's great! My first poems were also terrible. No one has ever written a good first poem. So how do you get better? Keep writing! See what works for you. Share it with others and see what they like. Take helpful feedback and learn how you write poetry. You're gonna be great, so keep at it! I believe in you
All my faith and enthusiasm,
fortis
Hello! Just a quick review...
I really like this poem! I think throughout your theme stays true to the title. This topic is something that I think a lot of people know all too well. Your repetition is good and it gives the poem a good rhythm! For this being your first poem, this is really good. You'll only get better as you keep writing. I would love to see more of your work!
Keep up the good work
-Banana25
Thank you for sharing your opinions. It really means a lot to me.
Congrats on your first poem and welcome to the site!
I think there's some good use of repetition here, and I think this poem tells a narrative that a lot of people will have a strong connection to - you outline the emotions really well. Would love a few more poetic elements like some continued metaphors or images running through or maybe a little rhyme. Evening out some of the lines would also make the poem pop - by giving it more consistency which will actually help out the flow. I hope you continue to write and share your poetry!
~alliyah
Thanks for the review. It means a lot. I will take to account the tips and pointers you have given me. Thanks again.
First, can I say I loved this, I relate to this so, so, so much. Keep writing poems, because you're very good! (I also hope you're Okay, and that either you've made it through this) There were a few areas where you should've added punctuation, but it wasn't to annoying for me. Besides that, there was a line that was moved to the right slightly. "You went away" That should be to the left, a bit. I also wish you had a bit of a better hook sentence. It's good as it is, but I think simply adding quotes to make it dialogue and have the other person shrug, or apologize. I'm not telling you what you should do, these are just ideas, do whatever you think is best!
Again, I loved this poem, and I cannot wait to see more! Keep on writing, as long as you enjoy it!
Thanks for the review. I will take those notes and apply them to my next piece of writing. Thanks again.