Published March 28, 2017
Can smell cool air,
Can smell extreme bare.
Can hear loud voices,
Can hear whispering Moses.
Can touch smooth grass,
Can touch scientific mass.
Can see random things,
Can see great Ming.
Points:
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IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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140,862 Literary Works • 673,695 Reviews
Hey Ferruccio!
I thoroughly enjoyed this, but let's get into the review.
As @menushathenodi said below, I have no idea what 'extreme bare' means. It kind of halted the rhythm of the poem. I liked, though, how each section ended with a well-known, well-respected person. I don't know exactly what you were trying to employ with it, but... I liked it nevertheless.
Also, 'random things' kind of broke the smoothness of the text, kind of like adding the word 'stuff' into a scholarly essay or something.
Keep writing, listen to feedback, and get Senpai to notice you!
~Saruka
Hey there. Im Menusha..and new to review writing.
So actually its a good poem with all the rhymes and repitions. As i feel the second line repeated always offers a contradictory to the first. We can take it as the dual personalities of the society too. And also the abilities of different kinds in oneself are also visible.
Thank you and good luck!
Hello there, Luata here to write you a review. It has been a notably long time since I've last written a review (I feel as though I write that for everyone, but I seem to go on spurts of regularly reviewing works and then just ... not reviewing any). As a disclaimer, I am by no means a professional and since you are the author and I am not, feel free to take any suggestions or edits as you will. Onward and upward!
Overview
Overall, I was a bit confused by the concept of your poem. Noting that this is your first poem (and to be perfectly honest, this was what my first poetry attempts looked like as well) I'll try to keep my nitpicks to a minimum. To start with, though I began with rhyming poetry, I have a hard time with it now. As a matter of personal preference, I feel as though rhyming poems force you to focus more on the rhymes and less so on the actual content. That being said, I found it difficult to discern what your purpose was in this particular piece of writing.
Also, I have absolutely no idea what this is supposed to mean:
I suppose since I promised I wouldn't get into the nit-picky details, general overview is going to be the only section heading for this review.
I think that this is a good start. I don't know if you intend to try to move deeper into writing poetry (I sincerely hope so!). If anything I say doesn't make sense or if you want any more opinions/help, please pm me or contact me somehow. I'd be more than delighted to chat.
Best of luck!
~Luata
Please note Ming is one of the four 'houses in my school (it's blue and kind of like ravenclaw)