Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: This was an interesting little tale. Its I think possibly meant to be more of a poem despite what category it is in, but judging it purely on its value as a story, I think it does pretty decently. Its a very simple concept and I think it sticks to that fairly well.

Anyway let's get right to it,

In the middle of the night

She grips the window bar so tight.

Hoping to escape from the room

The floor was cheese like the day of doom.

Well this is quite the start right here. Definitely we're looking at a bit of a terrifying moment here as our character is trying desperately to escape some sort of doom. Very nice little start, immediately drawing us right in. Those comparisons also certainly make you take a second look there.

This all happened after a shadow appeared

Things started getting tense and weird

The devil himself came to pay her a visit

He was laughing so heavily that drew a cold spike in her.

He said "Oh! Well, you are kinda hostile to a famous visitor".

Well that was certainly unexpected. As much as we were looking at a day of doom I was not expecting the actual devil to just pop up like that but well here we are. The plot is most definitely thickening here.

She freaked out and hoped for time to ..... fast forward.

She moved from the window for her hands were tired.

She thought of a talkie plan

And said to herself "I need to act fine."

She asked the devil "don't you think we can bargain?

The devil was quite then she asked the same question again

The devil then replied "Oh! Oh! Oh! I do not bargain with food."

The situation started turning more sour like meeting an Anaconda in the wood

The Oh! Made the devil sound like Santa

Or like an old man chilling in with a cold Fanta

Well that was quite the interaction there. It manages to somehow both make the traditional idea of a deal with the devil hilarious while still ending everything on a much more terrifying note, which is certainly quite the accomplishment there.

She managed to bypass the devil

She ran through the hallway and it was all lurking evil.

Evil whispers were all over the house, the devil was doing his work.

She was so disturbed and bumped into an oil rack and oil poured on her and she was so slippery dirt.

Because of the oil she slipped and injured her ankle.

She regretted doing the house keeping for her uncle.

Oh well it seems after the potential bargain goes very wrong she chose to just try and outrun the situation, which to be fair is probably the smartest thing to be doing there. Although it does seem like things aren't going to end terribly well judging by those last two lines.

The devil now was standing beside her ready to end her life

This induced a lot of trauma on her and she couldn't control her mind.

Suddenly the world in her eyes started turning upside down, sideways

To hear amaze

She was actually rotating on her bed.

She rose from the bed and touched her body to verify that she wasn't dead.

It was all a nightmare

She was so happy and opened her window to appreciate the fresh air.

Oooh a classic ending. The old it was just a nightmare moment. I will say I'm not personally the biggest fan of ending of this type, but I think given how things unfolded in this one, it manages to make a sufficient amount of sense especially given how a couple of moments can come across as a little more unrealistic than in general and of course there is the devil.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall I think its an interesting little piece. Definitely leaves you with a little smile on your face as far as the story here is concerned. A simple piece but one that I think achieves what it sets out to achieve.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Kate

Hello, Felix! This is Wist here with a review. First, I want to welcome you to the site. We're glad to have you! Let me start by saying that this is an interesting way to write a short story, using the lenses of poetry to tell your desired tale. With that said, let's dive in and review your work.

The floor was cheese like the day of doom.

The first thing I want to address is this line. It's hard to tell what exactly you mean here because readers probably won't associate cheese with doom. Also, a floor made of cheese doesn't exactly invoke the level of terror the character is about to face.

The devil himself came to pay her a visit
He was laughing so heavily that drew a cold spike in her.
He said "Oh! Well, you are kinda hostile to a famous visitor".

The middle line above breaks your rhyme scheme, as this line was supposed to rhyme with visit rather than starting a new rhyming pattern.

She freaked out and hoped for time to ..... fast forward.

I don't think ellipses add anything to the sentence here. It slows down the reading, when talking about fast forwarding time, the best thing to do is to pick up the pace to demonstrate the character's desire.

She thought of a talkie plan

Again, I'm not sure what you mean by this. What is a talkie plan?

She thought of a talkie plan
And said to herself "I need to act fine."

You also broke your rhyme scheme again here. Plan and fine don't rhyme.

The devil was quite then she asked the same question again

I think you meant "the devil was quiet" here.

The devil then replied "Oh! Oh! Oh! I do not bargain with food."

I don't think three "ohs" in this line are necessary. Again, it slows down the pace and gives the devil a more comedic tone when threatening to eat the main character.

The Oh! Made the devil sound like Santa
Or like an old man chilling in with a cold Fanta

I don't think these lines are necessary. They don't add to the devil's description, making him sound less threatening.

PART 2

I don't think splitting this story into two parts adds to the narrative. It hinders the weight of the climax, with the main character escaping. It feels disjointed.

She was so disturbed and bumped into an oil rack and oil poured on her and she was so slippery dirt.

This line has a few issues with it. One, it is much longer than most of the lines in your story, so it doesn't flow right. Two, it is a run-on sentence with multiple beats of action. It makes the sentence hard to follow and incredibly messy. Finally, I don't think you meant to say she was slippery dirt. I'm unsure what you're trying to say here, so maybe come back and rework this line.

To hear amaze

Once again, I'm unsure what you're trying to say here.

Overall, it's clear you have good ideas. All you need to do is take some time to hone your ability to put these ideas on your paper. Once you do, I'm sure you'll see excellent results.

Happy Writing!
Wist