Lian looked nervously up at the metal tower above, while she hooked the clasps of her wings onto the lift. She had never been on a level three lift. It was so high. The lift soared up through the grey clouds with its innards of churning gears visible trough the red iron frame. Jiah by comparison was calmer, less agitated. He waited impatiently, as the cogs brought the next lift clip. Absent-mindedly, he fiddled with his wing harness. “See you in the air!” Jiah called as Lian pulled a lever and was lifted off her feet.
It was always unnerving; accumulating speed, the churning, screeching and clanking of steel and then your ears would pop. Lian repeated a check list to calm her self, “wing-clips, harness secured, flight bag…” the lift gained speed its gears grinding as it strained to launch her vertically into the air. “Hair up, flight goggles, oiled wings.” Lian continued her check list. Finally a beep, masked by the sounds of the poorly oiled cogs, signified the clasps had unhooked and she was air born. Lian continued to rise from the accumulated thrust of the lift and only once she felt her self begin to slow, did she spread her man made wings. Away from the noises of the tower, Lian could hear her thumping heart.
Lian tilted her left wing down warts to circle while she waited for Jiah. Her clothes were damp from the vapour of the clouds, but the sun above the clouds was warm. It was turbulent this high up, while it was disconcerting being thrown by an invisible uncaring force she had confidence in her new Hyper silk wings. This pair of wings were standard, with no extra clips or gadgets, but tougher and lighter than most and duo as strong. Normal strengthened silk was a pale sickly green; Lian liked the dark turquoise of the Hyper silk. She had chosen her travel out fit to match with gold coloured brass fittings and a uniform style appearance. “Nothing but the best for this journey.” Lian thought as she remembered to keep a look out for Jiah, her brother.
Bursting though the cloud level, Jiah was wearing soldier colours; maroon, knight blue and white. Conveniently his travel wings were a coordinating blue and his silver hooks and clasps glinted as he neared. After Jiah spread his wings he unhooked one of his hands so as to check the compass strapped, with leather, to the back of his hand. Above the glaring white clouds it was impossible to make out any land marks. He pointed slightly to the left and Lian straightened her wings to stop circling. They set off to the west. The air space was empty save for some birds on the horizon. The clouds seemed to stretch indefinitely over the world like a bleached baby’s blanket.
“To the city.” Lian said, then slowed to fall a meter behind. She eyed Jiah’s bulky elec gun, conductive copper and bulky. She knew he would need it as a soldier but was pleased that all she had to carry was her front pack, filled with enough for spending the holidays with her friend Bridey. Lian sighed and allowed herself to relax.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!!
First Impression: Well..we are off to quite an awesome start here in this story...ahh...I do love you've integrated so much wonderful worldbuilding into this and you've done a great job of only relaying the information needed for us to process the basics as readers and allow this conversation to be pretty realistic. Well...more details down below!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm, well this is certainly a pretty interesting start to this here story. We've got some pretty cool sounding lifts happening in the background, and there's a decent amount of detail regarding whose in it as well. Definitely does get your attention at any rate, not to mention that fact that is appears one of these folks have wings...so hmm...well this is certainly a very eye catching first paragraph.
Hmm....well...those wings earlier are man made...somehow, well this just got even more interesting now...it certainly does have some pretty cool terminology up there. Its got just enough stuff that appears to be official that anyone would buy it and when it comes to sci fi, that is really about all you want.
Hm...aahhh I am loving all these fancy terms that you're using and the fact that you're not doing too much exposition, but is still using the terms you came up with in the situations that you came up with is really awesome to see, its certainly not an easy thing to try and balance out how much exposition you want to put in a story in its first chapter and you're doing pretty good so far.
OOoh, some more really neat description here and ahh all this fancy wing technology is definitely going to make me want to read on if nothing else...it certainly looks like you've put quite a lot of effort into this one here as far as worldbuilding is concerned, the details that you can see with the way you describe the operation wings certainly seems to indicate that.
Hmm...well certainly a pretty decent point to finish off the first chapter...hmm...and once again I really love the way you manage to tell us enough to know what's going on but not enough for it to get boring. This is a balance you don't see too often.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, quite a solid first chapter this one...this is a definitely a novel that I would read on from, after seeing this as the first chapter. Well at any rate, that's about all I've gotta say here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hello! This is a really interesting story you have begun here. The imagery gave a sense of wonder and excitement as your characters achieved what humanity has been longing for for millennia: true flight.
There were some instances of spelling, grammar, and punctuation that might need to be corrected.
Spelling: "lever," not "leaver." "Steel," not "steal." "Stefan," not "Steafan," in paragraph four. Also, "clunky," not "clucky."
Grammar: separate run-ons into multiple sentences, or use a semicolon.
Punctuation: remember to add some form of punctuation after a line of dialogue, whether it be a comma or a period. Additionally, characters' thoughts are more commonly put in italics rather than in quotations.
I loved the technological aspects you included, which focus on the mechanical and practical facets of flying. Keep continuing this story; it has a lot of potential.
Have a great day, and thank you for writing!
Hello! This is a really interesting story you have begun here. The imagery gave a sense of wonder and excitement as your characters achieved what humanity has been longing for for millennia: true flight.
There were some instances of spelling, grammar, and punctuation that might need to be corrected.
Spelling: "lever," not "leaver." "Steel," not "steal." "Stefan," not "Steafan," in paragraph four. Also, "clunky," not "clucky."
Grammar: separate run-ons into multiple sentences, or use a semicolon.
Punctuation: remember to add some form of punctuation after a line of dialogue, whether it be a comma or a period. Additionally, characters' thoughts are more commonly put in italics rather than in quotations.
I loved the technological aspects you included, which focus on the mechanical and practical facets of flying. Keep continuing this story; it has a lot of potential.
Have a great day, and thank you for writing!
Hello! This is a really interesting story you have begun here. The imagery gave a sense of wonder and excitement as your characters achieved what humanity has been longing for for millennia: true flight.
There were some instances of spelling, grammar, and punctuation that might need to be corrected.
Spelling: "lever," not "leaver." "Steel," not "steal." "Stefan," not "Steafan," in paragraph four. Also, "clunky," not "clucky."
Grammar: separate run-ons into multiple sentences, or use a semicolon.
Punctuation: remember to add some form of punctuation after a line of dialogue, whether it be a comma or a period. Additionally, characters' thoughts are more commonly put in italics rather than in quotations.
I loved the technological aspects you included, which focus on the mechanical and practical facets of flying. Keep continuing this story; it has a lot of potential.
Have a great day, and thank you for writing!
Thankyou for your review.
First off, I loved how you opened up the piece. I personally find it difficult to start a piece that it's the middle of a scene without a slew of introductions.
I also love filler sections that let you into the character's mind for a little while, especially with the audience being thrust into the story from a random point in the character's adventures. I particularly like the section about her thinking about her travel outfit. Flow is very consistent and I don't feel like there are places where I have to do a double to understand syntax.
However, there are a few grammar/housekeeping stuff that threw me for a loop.
1. I'm 98% sure some form of punctuation is needed after the last word/thought in quotes, typically a period, comma, or hyphen. I would personally add a period, since they're lifting off, and there's no immediate dialogue afterward.
2. I'm a little confused as to who is lifting off while who is speaking. Ambiguous pronouns are common and can be confusing when the audience isn't intuitive to an author's writing style (which I am not because I'm a total n00b). Is Lian pulling the lever right after Stefan made the comment of "See you in the air"? It might just be me, but double check to see if it flows well with you.
I feel like there should be a comma between cloud level and Stefan. It seems to run together without a natural pause. If you're unsure whether or not a comma/period should be used, it's always a good idea to read it aloud to yourself, and see what sounds more natural/flows better.
A few things with this chunk:
1. I think the word and after maroon is unnecessary, because with all the and's in between, it starts to sound very kid-like/valley girl (in my opinion). I prefer the Oxford comma - putting commas after each subject in the list, including the word before the conjunction. So I would rewrite it as: colours - maroon, knight blue, and white...
2. After the list of colors, you have a complete thought. If you can stand to put a period/semicolon after a complete thought, chances are that you'll end up with a run-on sentence if you don't. I would rewrite that as: ...knight blue, and white; conveniently, his travel wings were a coordinating blue...
Those weren't the only examples of the grammatical errors/weirdness, but those were the two that stood out to me the most. You don't have many sections like that though, so that portion shouldn't be difficult to make a few changes to.
Overall, I really enjoyed how the scene progressed, not dawdling on a single character or an unnecessary monologue. Really good work! If you need any more help, drop me a PM or post in my review thread (link in signature).
Good luck!
Thank you for your review, once you pointed the errors out I saw what I had done. What do you think of the first part with the launching off now? You were right it is Lian launching as Stefan calls out. I have fixed the other things.
It definitely sounds and feels better! The flow is more continuous to me now. Keep up the good work!