Out of no where an old nursery rhyme and this scene found its way into my head. I adjusted the nursery rhyme a little. I know its really short, but sometimes there are just those things that you're compelled to write. I meant for this to be rather simple, so, yea, hope it's not too bad.
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Mocking Bird
She watched the steady rising and falling of her little girl's chest. The weak pulsing on the heart monitor was almost completely mute to her as she kept her ears focused on those shallow inhales. The smaller hand held tightly in her own was disturbingly chilly. She held it just a little tighter.
“Hush, little baby, don't you cry,” She sang quietly, “Momma's gonna buy you a mocking bird...”
That small hand got a tiny bit colder. Those breaths got more weaker. She laid her head on the hospital bed, her red tired eyes staring at her child, “And if that mocking bird don't sing... Momma's gonna buy you a diamond ring.”
The faint beeps in the background grew another millisecond apart. She idly traced the boney fingers with her thumb, “And if that diamond ring turns brass, Momma's gonna buy you a looking glass...”
Something wet and painful prickled at the corners of her eyes, and her chest ached.
“If that glass gets broke,” she gave a bitter smile, “Momma's going to buy you a billy goat... I-If that billy goat won't pull, Momma's gonna buy you a cart and bull...”
“If that cart and bull turn over,” she reached up and stroked the side of her little girl's face lovingly, “Momma's gonna buy you a dog named Rover.”
The breaths were almost nonexistent now, her child's lungs barely holding. Numb tears fell over the edges of her eyelids, “A-And if that dog named R-Rover won't bark... Momma's gonna buy you a horse and cart...”
Color started to fade from her little angel's face, the heart monitor beeping sparingly. She clutched her daughter's hand like a lifeline, “...If that horse and cart fall down...”
“You'll still be...” Droplets streamed down her face, the heart monitor flat lining as they did. She brought the pale hand up to her face, “...You'll still be the sweetest little baby in town...”
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140,110 Literary Works • 673,017 Reviews
Hey there!
it was really sad though! :'( Nevertheless, it was good. A few things to point out. It was said above, but....
Ok, I really liked it
Don't use the more... Having the word weaker there means you are already adding the word more to weak, therefore, it does not work. I do think there should be another line there though, so maybe "Those breaths got a little weaker" or put a comma after colder... "and those breaths a tiny bit weaker." I don't know, add something though
Aside from that, I don't really have any other suggestions. Good writing!
I don't have any nitpicks. I love this! It almost had me in tears. It was just amazing! Awwwwwwah D:
Born presses 'like'
Hello! Loveless here to review your story. Well, let's get started.
Lowercase the 'S' in "She".The more before weaker is not needed.
This was sad...extremely sad, but well written. It was short but good. I really liked it. I have no more to say, there really is nothing else to say. Bye!
Loveless~
Hello,
Returning the favor. Not bad, but not particularly memorable either. For starters, the nursery song you used is comparable to Psalms 23 in how overused it is in popular culture. Refreshingly, you didn't use it here to be creepy, which is both how I've seen it done before, and done it myself.
So you wanted to write a bit of flash fiction. Fine. Great. It's an art that few people have mastered. However, with such little space, it is not only preferable, but expected that you reveal some truth, some bite-sized perspective, something that affects the reader at his core. Brevity is, after all, the soul of wit and all things good and pure in this world, and when utilized, it shouldn't be used frivolously, and for scenes such as this, where emotion is mostly contrived for emotion's sake. The whole idea of this piece s pretty basic -- a mother watches her little girl die. And she sings to her. Rather bland. Not wholly original. I wish I could direct you to good examples of flash fiction, but unfortunately, I'm not overly familiar with it.
So. I'm not crazy about the story. However, you gave us good insight into who you are as a writer. Your pacing was what I enjoyed most about this piece. You managed to take what little space you gave us and drew it out in our minds nicely. Your description isn't bad either.
I see this as a nice practice piece. Go somewhere a little further with your talent. Read up on the subtle art of flash fiction.
-Kylan
Woo! I love it when people use these little nursery rhymes o their advantage in literature! It's always awesome... always!
Anyway, just one thought... if the little girl is dying, most likely there will be a lot of nurses going every which way. So! You might want to have this at home or something. Still, neat stuff!