There are some times when you can applaud your younger self for their quick thinking. I wish I could say this incident fit under that category, but it is only laughable, nothing else. As a child, I spent a few years in India. I used to stay mostly at my grandparent’s house, entertaining myself when my parents had gone to work. All that work finally paid off though. My father had just bought a brand new little beige car and was very proud of it, being the first owner of a car in his family. One hot and dry afternoon, my father went outside to the car. I was too curious to stay inside, so I followed him after a few minutes. I found him near the car, scrubbing away at it with a washcloth. My grandparent’s house was in the suburbs, and we had mostly dirt roads in that area. This meant that you couldn’t keep your car clean for very long. Being the good child I was, I decided to help him. The problem was, there was only one washcloth. I looked around for anything that could be useful. The land around us wasn’t developed yet, so there was always an abundance of natural materials. After poking through the shrubs, I found the perfect substitution for a washcloth. I jogged back and started to pound away at the car, lost in the rhythm of cleaning. My father looked up a few minutes later, his eyes widening when he spotted what I had in my hand. He quickly ran over and snatched it out of my hands, but the damage was already done. I looked up at him innocently. After all, it was just a nice, big rock.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hi there! I hope you're doing well.
This was certainly a cute little story, and while I kind of want to critique it, I also like it how it is. I'm not sure if your intention was to have a full story or simply to provoke a smile - which it certainly did! I very much enjoyed the simplistic style and the twist at the end. I'm kind of wondering how old the child was and why the father is cleaning the car if the dusty road will just make it dirty again... but really, I think the best tip I can give is to split up this bloke of test. It's not as big as others I've seen but having some white space in between might make it easier to read. :]
Thanks for sharing this story!
I'll see ya around.
~rosette
I loved it! However you should maybe try to add a few shorter sentences to have more variety. Lots of description, amazing.
Haha, a big rock?! This was really fun to read! XD
Violet here reviewing this very funny narrative. You were right, this definitely got a smile out of me.
Let's start with the story. It's a one-paragraph narrative with a simple story. There is nothing complex with the plot: it's a fun slice of life story. and the twist at the end was absolutely hilarious. I had an idea that that was happening.
If you had the idea of foreshadowing, you used it well. The reader understands what might be happening. However, it would be better if you included the undeveloped land at the beginning, where you were explaining living in India with the grandparents. Having that at the beginning makes for more of an effective ending, catching the reader's eye.
I love how you did not reveal the rock until the very end. Not many writers do that, and it's great to see one like this.
The only thing that did not work well is the wording. Be careful with that. Adding words to a sentence that does not need anything added to it is risky.
"All that work had paid finally paid off though." That sentence does not make sense. Maybe you weren't paying attention(I do that a lot), but that can throw off the pacing and the flow of what you're trying to achieve. Take out "had paid" and the sentence is already better. "All that work finally paid off though." It flows nicely with the rest of the story.
Great job on this!
Violet here reviewing this very funny narrative. You were right, this definitely got a smile out of me.
Let's start with the story. It's a one-paragraph narrative with a simple story. There is nothing complex with the plot: it's a fun slice of life story. and the twist at the end was absolutely hilarious. I had an idea that that was happening.
If you had the idea of foreshadowing, you used it well. The reader understands what might be happening. However, it would be better if you included the undeveloped land at the beginning, where you were explaining living in India with the grandparents. Having that at the beginning makes for more of an effective ending, catching the reader's eye.
I love how you did not reveal the rock until the very end. Not many writers do that, and it's great to see one like this.
The only thing that did not work well is the wording. Be careful with that. Adding words to a sentence that does not need anything added to it is risky.
"All that work had paid finally paid off though." That sentence does not make sense. Maybe you weren't paying attention(I do that a lot), but that can throw off the pacing and the flow of what you're trying to achieve. Take out "had paid" and the sentence is already better. "All that work finally paid off though." It flows nicely with the rest of the story.
Great job on this!
Thanks a lot for the review! I fixed the 'had paid', I didn't even notice when I published it! %uD83D%uDE01 I'll see if I can revise the undeveloped land part later too.