So im sitting here.
For no apparent reason at all.
Just thinking of you...
And how I was so stupid to fall,
For all your stupid tricks,
That you did to me.
So im just laying here.
Thinking about the past
And how much it pisses me off
Remembering thinking “This will last”
Until you just blew me off.
And how it hurt me.
So im just crying here.
Not knowing what to do.
Wondering what the hell I did.
What the hell I did, to like you.
And I know, your miles away.
But this is how things should stay.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hi there FazoliMoli123, I'll be your reviewer for the moment.
First things first, grammar. Imagine yourself an editor, working on piece #2346 of the day.
Seeing a lack of capitalized 'I's and no apostrophes. Maybe the occasional typo. Wouldn't that drive you:
A) To toss the paper in the waste
B) Despise the person to heck that they are giving you more work.
Think about it, eh? A reviewer taking the time to point out simple errors you can fix yourself will make it more likely that they won't take time on something that matters.
Like content or ways to improve.
Secondly, you've heard the saying 'All is fair in love and war' I'm sure. Then writing about how much you hate a partner and/or friend that hurt you by breaking a promise is, well, pointless. So this 'poetry' is really a drawn out rant about something that doesn't matter anyways. Things like these are the worst cliches you can hang onto, yet hope you'll do something worthwhile and original.
They're cliches for a reason, so just cast them aside, even if it is so tempting to write about. Take a situation, for example, a boy lost in a field of flowers, then use tangible imagery that activates the 5 senses to make the reader really feel something. Describe what it looks like, feels like, tastes like, the memories or thoughts the boy has walking through the field that associate with those 5 senses. That's when you have poetry.
And on a final note, I've seen a lot of your work thrown around the literary forums. We'd appreciate if you took the time to review other people's work. Out of respect, and also out of the possibility you may learn something yourself while looking at the work of others.
Good luck,
Kamas
Thank you for the revieww :] i'll add more feeling next time!! and sorry for the sadness :'[
Well, this is a rather sad piece of work.
It's a very good start, but I suggest putting more feeling into your poetry.
Describe your feelings.
Compare them to something like a flood, or like the way the moon feels when there are no stars around to keep it company.
Something like that.
However I did enjoy it, and I hope to read more stuff from you.
4/5