Published February 22, 2010
Before you read: I don't think this is a love poem, but it's mainly talking about a skank. Not a relationship. Please comment, and tell me what to fix!
DAMMIT! What the hell is wrong with you!?
Do you have a frigging’ clue, what you do to me?
I mean, I get it. but how is all that true?
I know, this isn’t anything new!
You know what? Damn you!
I’d tell lies, and flirt with your ex.
But only if you did something terrible.
I’m scared! What’s going to happen next?
Are you going to force my boyfriend into sex!?
What the hell is WRONG with your mind?!
I know your sad, but seriously?
Are you just going to leave me behind?
Everyone else is nice, sweet, and kind!
But, you know. YOU.
And you! You freaky little whore.
What the hell is your problem?!
Watching you has become a chore!
It hurts me... more than you will ever know.
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141,357 Literary Works • 674,380 Reviews
Thanks, both of you for the reviews!!! it really is helping!! i'm trying to put it into what i write next :] thank you so much!!
Hi I'm Miriam,
This piece definitely gets the point across. Am I right in pointing out that this is not about prostitution, just about an ex/current boyfriend? We've all been there I get it but to me this seems like the sort of poem you write for yourself not other people.
I thought the rhyming was a little forced and unnatural, like you were instead of letting the words come suiting the words to whatever rhyme you could find to work. I think that if you look over it again you could find some corrections to make, words to change. Try to make the language slightly more complex and think more about sentence structure.
I do however really like your last line.
Keep writing,
Miriam.
What I really liked about this poem is that in it's natural state, free verse it seems, you are describing a conflict between the narrator and this prostitute. You depict the tension of having to deal with the narrator's boyfriend exercising his advantage with the prostitute and you do it in a manner that expresses that confusion and frustration without swaying too far from the initial concept. The Narrator understands the mechanics of prostitution but is pained by how close that strain is to him/herself. My only concern is that your language might fit well and probably only well with your usage of free verse. The rhyme scheme adds to the suspense; it provokes the reader into anticipating what rhyme or action the narrator uses next. I'd pay a little more attention to what it is your narrator wants to say and then creatively write out an ending. What is the narrator going to do about it? What are we as readers left to think? Is this just a rant of frustration or a dive into the life-long story of the human psyche when in combat with jealousy? Other than that, I'm impressed! Keep up the good work and I hope to see more.