Hello FaulknerCannes, it's been a while since I've done a review here, so pardon me if I am a bit rusty. Here are some of my thoughts:
Slove grasped for the light. The flickering bulb shone its feeble glow on the young man’s dead eyes, its dying incandescence barely illuminating the rest of the single-room apartment. Throughout this hollow space, the terrible living conditions would have bothered a normal person.
You said that "Slove" was a play on sloth, and really that does work here, though I think it plays more on "slovenly" because of his lifestyle. But as a name it's nice and not distracting like you said you were worried about. However, I have grave reservations about your use of adjectives. Adjectives are nice, but too many ruins the cake. I also think you could do with some cutting; spare us the long words that do nothing but take up space. The last sentence is very boring. A revision with these in mind might look like this:
Slove grasped for the light. The bulb flickered against the man's dead eyes, barely illuminating the rest of the single-room. What could be seen was trash, enough to make a sane man mad.
Aside from the lack of any window, there were myriad hair strands that littered the floorboards, most of them coated with dandruff; a pungent stink rose from the untucked bed, its yellowed bedding stained with brown patches; while freezing air had enveloped the room for twelve years since the blizzard had begun. But Slove could care little about these distractions at the moment.
Don't be afraid to break up your sentences, or at least not make them full of prepositional phrases. There's no need to stuff as much as possible into one sentence. The idea of a lack of window doesn't jive with hair, so pair it with the stinky bed to make the bed idea even stinkier. The hair can come after. I am confused with the fact that freezing air has "enveloped" the room when there is no window. You will have to explain why the air is cold then. Again, relax on the adjectives.
As he twiddled his digits around the glow, his stagnant eyes remained fixated on the white orb that provided warm light in the midst of this dark winter. His arms would grow tired every once in a while, and he would let it fall with a loud ‘thud’. It should have hurt, but he would raise his hand back towards the light a few seconds later without a whimper, his aloof expression unchanged.
That first line is just so contrived. The word "digits" is out of place. I would suggest not using "orb", probably ever. I am just unsure what he is even doing in this portion. Trying to keep warm by the light bulb? It's uninspired. You could characterize him better here.
Over in one corner of the room, the iMac his mother bought for him sat on a deteriorating study desk. Aside from the dusts that were showered over every piece of furniture in the apartment, the veneer of the table itself was filled with tears and holes, with one of the tearing so great that one could insert his whole index finger beneath the veneer.
The images of an iMac and "veneer" are somewhat contradictory to the rest of the setting. This could be a good thing. But I don't think you play up that juxtaposition enough. If you make those things seem even more absurdly out of place, the critique could be more powerful. Don't tell us his mom bought it for him, but slyly hint at it. You don't need to hit us over the head by telling us, but showing us the juxtaposed images of the pigsty and his moneyed privilege will do its own work to awaken our inner rage.
As for the computer itself, it contained a Windows platform filled with viruses, and a ‘Downloads’ folder full of pornography – gang rape pornography, filled with young women being dominated by groups of men in a twisted power-fantasy. Despite the stereotypical image he had set himself with – only things missing would be a basement and his dead parents still living with him – Slove could not be bothered to improve his life.
The Windows line is laughable (not in a good way) and doesn't belong. Why is that even on an iMac anyway? Ditch it. You give us the gang rape pornography bit, but don't expand upon it in any satisfying way. Also, this is not the time to drop that his parents are dead. And especially after you talk about gang rape, I thought this line meant that we was sadistically imagining that his parents were dead and still in the house. This part is a mess that needs some clarity and introspection. What are you truly trying to do with these lines?
He had dug a deep hole in his life, and he was ready to fall further into despair. He would almost masturbate twice per day nowadays, numbing himself from the pains of reality. The comfort zone felt great; and with no one left in the world to pressurize him nor was there any conflict pushing him, he was a protagonist who will never escape from this Hell.
I feel as though you wanted to be edgy with the masturbation line, but fell short because you played it safe. It doesn't really go anywhere. Some lonely guy in a dirty room masturbates. Are any of us really surprised? There's no insight here that could help characterize him further.
Slove had committed spiritual suicide, and he had reached the point of no return.
Your whole story and the song lyrics afterward stand on the foundation of this line, but it's not potent enough. This is the first mention of spirituality, which is such a broad term and undefined in this particular story. Which means we don't really know what kind of suicide he has committed or why that is important. If you mention a kind of spirituality in the beginning, that might bring this full circle rather nicely.
On the theme of modernity and loss of spirituality
You are certainly not alone in your quest to examine these themes and they are certainly admirable to explore. However, I think you need to try and figure out what exactly you are trying to say here. The junk food and computer full of pornography (as modern vices) can certainly be strong images that help make his loss of spirituality evident, but what is it exactly that he has lost? It is unclear, and thus we as readers don't feel the same feeling of loss in the process. If we don't feel that same loss, the whole story loses potency.
I am going to have to stop now, but let me know if you have any questions about my review. I would be happy to answer them.
Best,
Trident
I wanted a fancier name, but I figured a simple symbolic name like this is fine enough, or it would distract from the story.
Points: 16552
Reviews: 376
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