Will do, thankyou kogarasumaro143.. I will follow you and I hope you do the same!

Welcome to YWS I see you recently joined ^.^

Fatimah wrote:To kogarasumaro143,Changing the line you suggested does sound better, as I did aim to emphasise the fact that eyes are watching me. I think I may change it but I've not decided if I am going to submit the re-draft with the changes.. If I do I hope you review my edited poem again

Thanks for the comment guys

To chetanbhasin,
I see your point and I will take your advice for next time.. Proofreading my work before I submit it I definitely agree so thanks for your review it helped.

To kogarasumaro143,
Changing the line you suggested does sound better, as I did aim to emphasise the fact that people are watching me. I think I may change the whole poem and tweek the bits needed but I've not decided if I am going to submit the re-draft with the changes.. If I do I hope you review my edited poem again Thanks for your review.

Hey Fatimah,

What they call this is a navel-gazing poem. Essentially, it's too much about your feelings, and how you feel about yourself, for us to really engage with it properly. I'd advise you separate yourself from the narration, and create a different narrator, apart from you as an author. This is a key concept in developing as poet.

The rhyme scheme is also imprisoning you. Trying to make "another" and "weather" rhyme just didn't cut it really, and it came off badly. Remember that poetry is pretty much whatever you want, within reason, so don't feel scared to break out of conventions and really show how you (or even better, the narrator) feels.

Nice one. I love this poem. Suggestion: You can change this line

Fatimah wrote:Eyes see me,

I liked your poem. It makes people relate to it. Grammar and punctuation aren't problems nessasary to correct for me. It just shows that they were maybe thinking off the top of your head. So, I'm not going to comment on that part since I know a lot of people have. I like it, but it wasn't my cup of tea. You were using senerios of how you can't find yourself and how you want to. I just don't think the topic was good I guess if that sounds right. What would have been unique would be asking "where are you? I can't find you! You were here, speaking to me, telling me your dreams, how you would never leave me. I'm putting up posters, searching through alleys," ect. I really don't know. That's my opinion. I didn't like the topic (I also am very picky on rhyme poems) ,but I can tell you have talent so keep it up!

I agree with everybody else who made a review over here.
But there are some things that I would like to tell you. First of all, as you already know there is punctuation errors which make it difficult for the reader to understand the true feelings which you want to describe in your poem.

We people can describe the errors but I would recommend you of a way through which you can yourself point out the lack of fluency in poem. I think it's been some time since you wrote this, so now if you read this poem twice or thrice you yourself will be able to see where you miss it.
Don't just post the poem here without proofreading it by yourself, that will increase the quality of your work.

Hi hello hey! I really liked this poem! There is only one thing I didn't like. The very first stanza you rhyme in with in. Other than that I really enjoyed reading this! I hope I can read some more of your work sometime

Thanks for your review Mizz!

About the spelling mistakes, yes 'fluctuations' was spelt wrong :$ Can't believe I never noticed that :/ And I live in the UK, so 'realise' is spelt that way, although it may be spelt with a 'z' where you're from so no need to change that.

' I now realise,
I've been untrue to myself;
I've been faking my emotions,
Hurting everyone else. ' - This poem is about myself, so there isn't no he or she. People around me have been hurt as I respond to feelings that are not necessarily what I really feel.. Such as having a strong dislike against a person where the feeling then turns to hate. I only felt that way because I wasn't sure myself, my likes and dislikes were not clearly identified to all. The end result would then lead to enemies and hatred towards others, and with that I can't be sure of the people I've hurt because of me not knowing myself.

I hope that made sense, and I cleared up any confusion ^.^

I do hope you continue to read my poems and review them as often as you can, I need all the constructive criticism I can get to improve

Hi there, Fatimah!

Fatimah wrote:Everywhere I go,
I don't seem to fit in; These two lines seemed really cliche. >.>
I feel self-conscious,
In the places i'm in. You need to capitalize the I in "I'm."

Eyes see me,
They guess i'm a certain way; Capitalize the I in I'm!
Their thoughts then change,
After what I say.

I'm uncertain of my feelings,
And afraid to even speak;
When I say what's felt inside,
I end up feeling weak. Lovely stanza.

I now realise, It's spelled "realize" not "realise"
I've been untrue to myself;
I've been faking my emotions,
Hurting everyone else. How is he/she hurting everyone else? Wouldn't she be hurting herself more?

Moments I feel one way,
The next I feel another;
My mood switches,
Flucuations like the weather. Flucuations...um, is that a misspelling of fluctuations?

I respond to those feelings,
Which are not real;
Those who matter,
Are left with pain to heal.

Before it's too late,
I need to find me;
Then for once and for all,
Decide who I want the world to see.I love this as an ending!

I must agree with your comment DRdante, however what parts would you say need tweeking?

I always thought I should try a different style and explore different rhyming styles, but I find myself sticking to the same old one 'ABAB'.. So again I agree with you there! I will take your comment on board and see how it goes.

Thanks for the comment, it helped a lot

Thankyou Masquerade, I appreciate your comment!
I have changed the line you advised me to, which made the last paragraph more fluent when read so thanks for that

I hope you contine to read my poems ^.^

This is a fine poem overall. It might need a bit of tweeking here or there but nothing really substantial. I have one complaint though. Having read some of the other poetry you have written recently I notice that you pretty much only use one rhyme scheme. The ABAB scheme. To be a good poet you need to be versatile in the styles and schemes you use. My suggestion is that you go online and look up some different ways to write in. Maybe look at some poems by poets you admire and see what they do. Good luck on your writing.

I thought this was a pretty good poem. When I started reading it, I thought it was going to be another one of those poems that blames everyone else. It was nice to see one where the author blames herself.

The rhyme scheme was good, and the rhymes didn't seem too forced. This is a problem with many rhyming poems so kudos for that.

I also think the last line would sound better if it just said, "Decide who I want the world to see." "Decide this is who I want the world to see." makes my eyes trip as I read, and it makes it seem as if the author has already decided who they want the world to see when only a few lines before the author said they still needed to find themselves.

Hope I helped!
Write on!

To retrodisco666,

Thanks for your comment. I do agree with your point, as I literally changed the structure of the poem when typing it in, as I thought the extra punctuations were needed. I can see how you came to that conclusion, in terms of it being story like. I'll bare this factor in mind next time I write another poem.

Hey,

I like the content in this piece. It's main problem, is punctuation. You have capitals where they're not needed amongst other things. The structure of sentences are just the same as if you were writing a story, so some of the breaks in your lines aren't needed.

This piece is okay, it just needs little bits tweaking.

PM for anything.

~Retro Disco666