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140,165 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
Thanks guys, I really appreciate your comments. I have taken them into consideration and I've tried to work on the points mentioned when I wrote my second poem that I have recently uploaded. It's called ' A stranger in my eyes'. Check it out and comment, as it will help me develop better writing skills and techniques. Cheers
Sorry for the delayed reply.
Hello, Fatimah!
To make us think is one thing, but to make us think on something that we cannot answer is practically a waste of a chance you have to make a lasting impression on us.
I don't generally like the raising of questions in poetry, especially not hypothetical ones. I'd recommend eliminating them, because raising questions that we can't answer doesn't do much for us, dear.
I'd comment on rhyme, and say that it's restricting you here. Instead of you being able to freely describe and elaborate on what you're trying to say, you're rushing yourself, almost too fast, to hurry and complete the next line so that your rhyme is done, and you shouldn't do this! Let yourself finish saying what you wish to so that we can better understand your poem.
Hope that helps some.
Cheers,
June
What I immediately noticed as I was reading this, is that it's contradictory.
Here you're questioning the benefits of free will, telling us maybe it's not so good. But in the next lines:You've made a complete turn around, telling us why it is good.
If that was intentional, you need to transition. You consider whether it's good or not, and if you decide that it is good, we need to see you make that decision.
I don't understand what these lines are saying, or how they fit with the rest.
I think this line is approaching another completely different aspect of your subject. If you introduce it you need to explore it and link it with what you've talked about so far. I think it would be better to cut it out. You need to run with the ideas you started with.
You do another 180 here. In the middle you're describing the benefits of free will, but in the very last line, you're questioning it again. You should be concluding with your conclusion of whether of not free will is good. Apart from that, I agree with your other two reviewers that I don't like the repetitiveness of the last lines.
Hey there Fatimah! Welcome to YWS!
This is a good poem, but I agree with Jasmine, the last line's too repetitive, but change that, and this could be really awesome!
I like the message you've brought across with this, good job!
Thanks for posting, and keep writing.
~Mo.
I liked this poem alot! Good job, only problem I found was the last two lines
I thought that seemed a bit repetitive and boring. If you just change that you'll have a great poem on your hands!