I am completely blank.
Maybe I would have worried before, but not here. I do not even feel the need to look around, for I know I am where I need to be. Where I want to be.
It is glorious.
A beautiful woman stands in front of me. I could say she is the most exquisite thing I have ever laid my eyes upon, and that might be a truth; I’m in no mood to be a liar, however purposefully, so I will not take the risk.
How do I describe her?
She is complete.
I can only assume that since her body no longer must deal with the duties of being alive, it does what it pleases.
Because surely she is dead.
Because surely I am dead.
A blade in the chest tends to do that.
Her hands reach down and clasp mine, pulling me to my knees, pulling me to my feet.
Is this it? Am I finally going to see them?
“Speak,” she commands, her voice a bird’s, my mother’s, the ocean.
My mouth opens, pauses, and shuts; I am a fish, lips ever moving, yet never emitting a sound. How do I fit everything into something as constricting as a sentence?
What should I start with? My name? A compliment? An exclamation?
All are inconsequential.
“What would you have me say?” I ask, leaving it in her hands. It is a weak thing to do; I can afford them now. I feel simplistic, unperturbed, contentedly empty; I cannot remember the last time I have felt this way, if it has indeed ever happened.
I want to bask in it forever.
“Not that,” she says, wry.
My lips curve at the unexpected humor; it oddly humanizes her. We are eye-to-eye, I notice, though I am fairly certain I would have been taller than her, had we been…alive.
When the silence grows long, her eyes flash with something. Wariness creeps up my neck like a spider; I am dead now, not stupid.
“You opt not to speak. Is there a reason, Chosen One?”
The words are a slap in the face: startling and stinging. I had hoped...
“Who are you?” I ask, dodging the question.
“It matters not who I am, only what I shall tell you.” She waves a hand and images appear. Images of my life, of my loved ones, of the world I left behind.
I turn my head away, for I cannot bear to look at them. Why show me these?
The woman’s words float from behind, right into my ears.
“You, Chosen One, stand on the bridge between two worlds.”
Cold dread fills my entire being.
She grasps my shoulders and turns me back. “The world needs you. A champion to serve and sacrifice. You have already accepted this call once, have you not?”
I close my eyes and nod once.
“Your journey is not yet over.”
No.
Please.
“You have been granted the ultimate boon: a second chance at life.”
I want to collapse, weep, and scream at this news.
Instead, I attempt to bargain. “My time there is over. Let me move on. Let me be finished. I have already done everything that I could.”
She frowns at me. “You would choose death?”
“Yes.” The word is clear and strong; I do not hesitate for even a second.
“You would leave your people in their time of need?”
“Yes.”
“You would abandon all you worked for in life?”
“Yes.”
She falls silent for a moment.
“Then I am truly sorry,” she says. “For the decision has already been made.”
A bright light begins to fill my vision.
“I beg of you!” My voice is cracking, splintering into a hundred pieces on the ground. I am wild, desperate, frantic. “Let me see them. I need to see them…”
All goes white.
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140,456 Literary Works • 673,226 Reviews
'Ello there, Far.
Well then. That was unexpected. Not even did that happen in Bands of Mourning, and you know how Brandon loves to flip all cliches on their faces in Mistborn. (Though I thought that Wax may have seriously chosen Lessie over duty for a moment there.)
This whole story has taken on a very formal, almost lyrical tone. Most of the time, I can't really take/read that. It bugs me. (Even though I write in a formal tone. It's not very dramatic.)
My only thoughts are that you ruin the feeling with your dry humor right here. . .
But, that's about it.
A hero choosing death over saving what he has worked for! That's an interesting twist.
Huh. Usually, the hero/protagonist (usually the protagonist) is angsting over the fact that they could have done more, that there was something else they needed to complete. But this hero says there was nothing more he could do. And, in a sense, that he finished, or at least did everything in his power to complete, his task. I like that. Ain't like everything else.
All in all, Far, that wasn't bad. Quite a change from your other story, An Assortment of Peculiarities, I believe. But that's okay. Alcatraz and Stormlight certainly aren't the same!
Great job. Plus, I like how you left a lot of this out in the open. Makes it more interesting, or is that just me?
Anyway, I guess I should know to expect great writing from you! Keep writing like this and you may just become popular, if you don't choose to stay casual.
-Jay
Hey dankmemelord here!
Sorry for the short review
First of all You had a nice idea but it doesn't seem to be displayed very well. Your grammar was nice but. I didn't really get most of it.
Overall, this was okay you had good grammar but I just didn't like it. But I can't wait to read and review more of your work!
Goodbye have a nice day!
If you have nay complaints you can PM me
-dankmemelord
To each their own, I suppose.
Thank you for your frank review.
Hey there Far, let me just say I loved this.
I myself when I write, try to avoid cliche story lines and such, but that doesn't mean I don't enjoy reading them. That being said, as I began reading this, I honestly did not understand the context in which the story was beginning, which is one of my favorite elements of a story or book. I love have unanswered questions left to the imagination, or having unclear meanings or scenarios that must be discovered through deep thought or multiple read-throughs. So that being said, I loved the entirety of this piece. But back to the cliche I was talking about; the "Chosen One" cliche. Countless stories have this whether the character is directly referred to as the Chosen One or maybe something along the lines of "the one from the prophecy," but you get the point. Anyways, I loved the twist. While almost every one of these story lines ends with the hero fighting to the end and accomplishing their goal, your hero simply is content with the effort they gave. From the hero simply saying "My time there is over. Let me move on. Let me be finished. I have already done everything that I could," you can see that they've accepted their end and their efforts in the life they had. I think that speaks volumes and is a very powerful message, whether it was an intended one or not. I think learning to accept the end of something after giving everything you've got, and when facing a second shot you decline simply because you know you'll follow the same path is a great message. Know when you've lost the war, and learn to move on and rest easy knowing you gave everything you could.
Overall I really loved this, Far. It was short, simple, powerful, and easy to read. I can't suggest any honest tweaks right now, as I think the way you've laid it out is perfect for what you were going for.
Keep it up!
Many thanks, many thanks! I hope you keep reviewing as well.
Dear Far1812,
This is what I call thinking out of the box! It is a completely unique storyline! Thumbs up to your awesome imagination! I loved it to the core! I could hardly find any errors regarding language except in the third paragraph, the last sentence isn't a sentence at all!
Now in the line, ".....I have already done everything that I could." I can notice a lot more deeper meaning. I appreciate that you have brought up a great truth of life! All that we can do is to be done in this life. Your choice of words looks beautiful. The story has only one scene yet the timing of each move has been done perfectly! I will not forget to notice the variation of language between the first person and the other person. It brings life into these kind of stories.
Everything worked well but after reading the entire story I felt a very strange feeling of curiosity. I seriously wanted to know why the Chosen One died why the world needed him and even when he got a second chance why did he opt to die rather than live.
Keep it up! Write more interesting stories like this one!
All the best!!!
Aww, shucks. You're making me blush, haha.
As for the curiosity, I left things very open on purpose. I have personal ideas for what has happened/will happen to this character, but I don't plan on writing about them, so I decided to let the reader fill in the blanks.
Thank you kindly for the review! I wish you the best.
I appreciate the open end! All the best to you as well!!!
Hi Far1812! Mage here to review!
This short story blew my mind. I've never heard of a hero who would chose death over saving the world. You bring up the expectations people have for a hero. "It is a weak thing to do; I can afford them now," is such a powerful line. Your main character wanted things to change. He wanted to end his life so he could see his deceased loved ones. This story was breath-taking.
Besides the line I mentioned, there are several others I loved.
Though this is a darker comment, I love the humor of it. Blades do tend to kill the people stabbed with them.
Like the first quote, this one is powerful. The Chosen One had wanted to be something other than the Chosen One - he wanted to be regarded as a normal person.
There's only one problem I spotted with this, and it's only word order.
I would suggest rewriting the sentence to this, "Maybe I would have worried before, but not here."
Your writing style is amazing. I enjoyed reading this piece. Keep up the great work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! Have a great day/night!
A thousand thanks to you! I appreciate your insights, and agree with your suggested rephrase--I'll get right on that. I wish you the best!
You're welcome! I wish you the best as well!
Hey there, yizhongt here to leave a review. Let me just start by saying I love this short story you have written. It really drew me in and wanted to read more and more of it. I'm actually really interested to know about the backstory of the 'Chosen One', and also what he has been 'chosen' for. I did not come across any grammar or spelling mistakes while reading through it. The story also flowed very well.
I also loved how the main character does not want to fulfill his destiny as the 'Chosen One' and would rather die than go back to the realm of the living. I find it interesting.
All in all, this is a good piece. Keep up the good work and keep writing!
Thank you for your kind words; they mean a great deal to me.