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Insane confession

by Fantomas

I hope it is my last confession. I do want to be there. Everything here is safe and secure. I don’t want to live in my apartment any longer, which was unlucky to be in the old cemetery district. This place has broken all my life, this place has taken away my mind forever. This is my last confession, but let me tell you everything in order.

The sky was grey. I remember nothing more.

Maybe the day was trivial.

I went to the cemetery near my district.

Why I did this? It was my inner call…

Hearing my inner call I felt that my previous life had been grey, fading and unnatural. My job was monotonous from nine am to six pm. I came home at seven to perform routine deals. At ten pm I went to bed because I had to get up early. I did this day after day, day after day…At the week-end I went with children to the park. When I had a vacation I went with children to the seaside for a week or so.

It was for me two big pleasures. My life was meager and boring.

That day was also trivial and nothing could highlight it from the other ones…

I remember nothing more. Just a dust near my eyes…

I couldn’t resist the call…

Oh yeah, I remembered! I was standing near usual grave. I had seen thousands of them before. Somebody was walking near the grave. Remotely he looked life human being. His clothes were very dirty. I am drastically sure that his jacket was smeared with new cemetery ground. His jacket was very old-fashioned, and it was also strange. I couldn’t see his face. Did he have one?

He went down. I raised my eyes and saw fanciful new tombstone on the place of old grey one, which distantly looked like cylinder, having a sphere above. Everything was made of the black marble. This cylinder started to rotate with tremendous speed…

The flame parts flied to different parts of the world. The cylinder became red because of heat. My legs stopped obeying me. I had got near the cylinder in no time. I felt the flame burning my cursed face…

The next moment. I am in the room. I think that it is a room in the common sense of this word. I see formless brown walls, made from cemetery ground. The candles in the form of upside down pentagram are standing in front of me in the room center. I can also see a fireplace near the opposite wall and above it there is muzzle with big horns. The muzzle looks like goatish one.

The time goes too slow. Silence. I can only hear the crackle of firewood in the fireplace.

Suddenly I saw horrible red wings of some ugly animal, which tried to reach me with its clawed paw. He had another pair of horns. The third pair of horns…Oh my God…His wings are becoming bigger and bigger../His yellow eyes are looking at me…He gets away from the wall, and the wall itself becomes a bit red. He is looking at me, because I am his prey…He is going to grab me in no time, I am sure. I have no doubt that he is that goatish muzzle I saw several seconds ago…Oh my God…I see him in full growth and because of this indescribable unspeakable disgusting vision I finally lose my consciousness…

I woke up in the asylum. I want to get crazy, I want this terrible experience to be just hallucination. But my consciousness told me that everything was real. And the terrible traces of the cursed vile blood on my hands did the same.

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1310 Reviews

Points: 65982
Reviews: 1310

Sat Dec 07, 2019 6:23 pm
JabberHut wrote a review...

Oh, man, this was so cool.

I really enjoyed this concept. It's so eerie, and the story really played on its spooky setting and atmosphere really well. The demon at the end was absolutely terrifying, and I love how you played off the room, foreshadowing its existence with the mounted head on the wall. Very scary and clever!

Admittedly, the first part was a little confusing, and I think part of the confusion from readers would be due to the grammar. The tenses switch from past to present and back again, and it's unclear if the reader wants to be here or there, what's considered safe to them and what's not, why they want to go crazy rather than attempt to justify what they see, etc.

Basically, I think some clarity in what the MC/narrator is saying will help clear up their motivation, goal, desires, and entire thought process through the story. It sounds like maybe the MC has a family they enjoy being around, or maybe they look after someone else's kids. Maybe the MC wants a normal life, or perhaps they're adventurous and want to solve the mystery of this cemetery. Perhaps they're terrified of the cemetery and want to move away as soon as possible. Does no one believe them? How did they get away from the demon and why? Is it possible to clue in on this demon's goals as well? How terrified should the reader be on the MC's behalf?

There's so much mystery to this story, and I think some clarification will help tell this a bit more effectively. I can really see this piece's potential though because it really plays on the psychological horror, which I think is the scariest kind of horror genre. It's super exciting to read, and I hope to read a revised version at some point! :D

Well done! Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

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Points: 60
Reviews: 1

Mon Dec 02, 2019 4:27 am
LexxMorgan says...

This is a great piece! I love the lapses in memory, the dreary feeling begging the reader to wonder what's so special about all of this. I'm a little fuzzy on whether or not the children are the narrator's or just random children that the narrator is with. I look forward to seeing more works from you!

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90 Reviews

Points: 2768
Reviews: 90

Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:03 pm
LZPianoGirl wrote a review...

This story was wonderful! The plot and detail you put into it was fantastic, I wish I could read this story for the first time a thousand times (if that makes sense). One thing confused me though, but I think you did this to symbolize she's going insane. The second to last paragraph, I had to read it twice and skip over the "Oh my God"s for it to make sense. Besides that, I could read it just fine. I do have a question though. Who are the children? In the part about her weekends and vacations, she spends time with children (sorry, I read it as if the character was a woman). Are they her children, does she work with children, or what? Just to end this review, I hope you keep writing and keep learning. I promise you, I will be the first to read your next story.

What praise is more valuable than the praise of an intelligent servant?
— Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice