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Moon Warrior - Ch. 1

by Fantasywriter30


MOON WARRIOR CHAPTER 1

ENTER! KAGAYAKU TSUKI!

Kagayaku Tsuki ( shining moon in Japanese ) just woke up to find his dad was not there. His dad Dakku Tsuki ( dark moon in Japanese ) was the head of the village, a very important figure.

"Eh, he's probably at work." Kagayaku said sheepishly

Kagayaku had recently turned 16 and was in line to lead the village of Moonshine. He knew this and did not really care, in fact, he HATED it. he did not like the idea of having to sit in a office all day. Kagayaku liked to explore and have fun.

"Whatever I'm just gonna make some eggs or bacon.." Kagayaku said walking towards the stove.

As he turned the oven on his dad walked in with a slight look of anger on his face. Kagayaku turned towards his father noticing this. Dakku had pale skin, black hair, and purple irises. He had a slim build and always stood up straight. Kagayaku on the other hand, had light nougat skin, blue hair, and blue irises. He was semi slim ( healthy may work as a description of Kagayaku's build ) and usually stood up straight.

"Yo Dad what's wrong?."

"Just something with the council... It's about you. You need to come with me to meeting later on." Explained Dakku carefully.

"Huh, me? Oh no, is this about me becoming the head of the village. I told them I don't want to." Complained Kagayaku. 

"No this is about something much bigger... much bigger"

AT COUNCIL HALL. 4:48 PM

"Kagayaku you know who Dak (a spin-off of the word dakku ) the King is right?" Asked one of the elders.

"Yeah, some dude who wants to rule the village. So?" Kagayaku replied.

"He is one of the most powerful demigods left too." Said the elder.

"Demigods don't exist, not anymore. Dad told me Mom was the last one." 

The elder looks at Dakku who quickly tries to change the focus off of him.

"What were you saying about Dak?" 

" *sighs* He is a demigod. And a descendant of Moon God heritage." he says sadly. "Like you and your mother..."

Kagayaku's eyes widen in shock at this.

"M-me a d-demigod?" "No w-way. you c-can't be serious, r-right?"

"I am being very serious." "We tried to hide it to keep you safe. Then Dak crossed our border."

"We're sorry son." said Dakku.

"I can't believe you didn't tell me! Like, you could have told me!" Kagayaku yelled.

"We were going to tell you when you turned 18 but it's to late, he's already cro -." Dakku was interrupted.

" I DON'T CARE! You lied to me! Don't talk to me anymore..."

Kagayaku did not realize that today was the day EVERYTHING would change...

To be continued...       

PS ( like dragon ball past but future combined. hope you like it. :o3 )


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User avatar
126 Reviews


Points: 144
Reviews: 126

Donate
Thu Apr 11, 2019 8:57 am
papillote wrote a review...



Hi, my name is Papillote. I’m here to review your chapter. I’ll try to offer constructive critic. Please, take it in the spirit it’s given. My overall impression of this chapter isn’t great. I found it very confusing and unsatisfying. May I ask how old you are and how long you’ve been writing for?

I can see you’ve got a story to tell, but you still need to work on how you tell it. There’s a quotation by Victor Hugo: “La forme, c’est le fond qui remonte à la surface.” You can’t neglect the how of a story, it’s the flesh on the story’s bones. In lots of little ways, this chapter feels like your story might come off better in manga form.

This chapter is peppered with many little grammatical mistakes: “a office” instead of “an office”, for example. I’m not going into details about them, but please, just use a simple grammar-checking tool on your text editor.

Why do you put so many things in brackets? Why? You do realize that, in every language, first names are derived from common names. Take ‘Mason’ or ‘Lucy’ in English. In France, we have hundreds of names, all of them with complex origins, rich in poesy and meaning. There are so many ways to draw parallel with your protagonists’ personalities and physical characteristics. And you plaster a meaning between brackets with no explanations whatsoever.

I was so annoyed about a lot of little things. For example, and that’s a huge problem for me, there is only one paragraph of description in the entire chapter, and it’s extremely clunky – in no small part because of your use of, yeah, once again, brackets, although the words “semi slim” really gave me pause. It’s hard to be sucked into a story when you can’t at all picture it in your mind.
It doesn’t help that your dialogues are very weird, due to the way your characters talk (very awkward and unnatural) and to your use of punctuation.
Another annoying point: that guy Kagayaku talks to himself a hell of a lot and goes from sleepy to serious about his future in a heartbeat. You don’t give us a sense of how he moves, how he thinks (feels like leaps in logics, not a natural, smooth thought-process), of what’s around him.

My advice to you is to go back to your storyboard and to pull this chapter apart. It’s art. Love every little bit of it. Don’t rush ahead in your haste to tell the story, to get us to the action parts. Take your time. Draw us full pictures of your protagonists, of your decors.
Here is how your write Kagayaku Tsuki in Japanese: 輝く月. Can’t you wax poetics about these beautiful characters ?
Good luck for the rest, anyway. Hope this is useful.






Thank you for your criticism. I am new and use Grammarly as a check. I'm better at drawing than writing. Moon Warrior actually started off as a group of drawings. thanks again.



papillote says...


You should try putting it in manga form. SERIOUSLY. If I could draw a straight line, that's what I would do. Such an interesting form of story-telling...And some stories just come out better in manga form!





By the way that future part wasn't his thinking but the actual narration.



User avatar
562 Reviews


Points: 14535
Reviews: 562

Donate
Thu Apr 11, 2019 5:04 am
FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hello, Fantasywriter30. FlamingPhoenix here with a review for you on this lovely day, and to help get your work out the green room.

Okay let's start with what I saw that can be fixed.

So the first thing is this.

he did not like the idea of having to sit in a office all day

Okay so the words in bold are the once that need to be fixed. Now I'll explain what needs to be done. Now you see the word, 'he'? It's needs a capitol letter, because it's a start of a new sentence. Now the next two, did and not. These two can be come one word, and it will be this, 'didn't'. If you read this word along with the rest of your sentence you will see it sounds a bit better.

Okay onto the next thing.
"Whatever i'm just gonna make some eggs or bacon.." Kagayaku said walking towards the stove.

Now this I'm not to sure about, I think you may have meant to say and instead of or. I don't no about this one, just thought I should point this out.

The next thing I saw and easily be fixed.
You need to come with me to meeting later on."

Now there is nothing wrong with the two words in bold, but I think you need to put a the between them. It will help with the sentence making sense.

Well that's all I could see that needs to be fixed. Now onto the good things about your chapter.

So my opinion about the first chapter is to get your reader hooked, and want to make them read more, and I think you have done just that. So amazing job.
I could say I would have liked more description, but we can always work on that later.
I really like the name of your book, it was rather interesting. I think when I find out a bit more of your book, I'm sure it would fit it rather well.
the name of your characters are rather fascinating. And I also can't wait to see more of them and find out what they are like.
Again great chapter, keep writing amazing.
Well that's it from me for now, I really liked reading and reviewing your work for you, I hope my review helped a little. Never stop writing and have a great day or night.

Your friend
FlamingPhoenix.
Reviewing this a fiery passion.




User avatar


Points: 86
Reviews: 2

Donate
Tue Apr 09, 2019 10:55 pm
Fantasywriter30 says...



very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, yes





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