Published December 12, 2009
It's a bit short and could use some work, but I wrote it in about three minutes during class. the teacher only gave us that long.
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I felt the blood flow as I slit my wrists
Sitting by the edge of the bed
Puddles of red dripped from my fingers
Staining the oak wood crimson
It was too much for me, now
I couldn’t take my life anymore
Nobody cares
They just argue from downstairs
Unaware of the danger above
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As noted before, this subject has been beaten to death. Even so, there are ways to make your poem stand out from the rest. The trick is imagery. The poem fell kind of flat, not because of the subject matter, but because it used cliche imagery.
Words and phrases like "Crimson," and "Nobody Cares" and "I slit my wrists" are all overused. The poem is describing what the character is thinking and what the character is doing, but the poem itself is detached from the character. That last sentence deserves a better explanation.
When I'm writing an action scene, I will change my style of writing to match the scene. I will make the words shorter (readers can read faster when the words are shorter, thus making everything seem to happen faster) I will make the sentences shorter as well (also increases the pace.) It isn't just what you write, but how you write it.
In this case, I think you should change the style so that it matches the apathy of the main character. Make the setting "apathetic" by just having stuff (like the knife) just laying there, useless (or used up.)
It may still be a cliche subject, but it will stand out from all the poems where they just focus on what they're writing, instead of how they write it.
Hi there,
well as said before. This has the typical image, 'oh no one cares, let me just slit my wrists, see what happens.'
If your picture was a depressed looking girl on the edge of her bed, you could have gone to the generic side that you did, or been more original and delved into why see is depressed/sad looking? Maybe a nightmare? You could of let your imagination run wild there.
Also, the lack of punctuation made it painful to read. Our brains force us to stop some place, and it could be anywhere in your poem. You want to create the pauses and full stops for us to keep your poem flowing and avoid having the reader being forced to stop in the middle of a line or something. Periods and commas, please oh please.
The sudden half rhyme in the last three lines destroys your structure. There was rhyming nowhere else, why bring it in now?
I found the last two lines slightly funny (no I'm not sadistic xD) I liked it though it was cliche.
Kamas
It has a lot of common and boring images like:
I mean you're hurting yourself(in the poem) yet this is slow imagery and things... Doesn't seem to work too well, eh?I do like this line though: From this I get the impression that's it's work and things changed in a sense. Like staining wood is work and it also changes it and all that stuff. I am sorry I am currently sick, my mind isn't too clear.
The ending was okay, a bit cliche, but then agian what isn't.
Good luck, keep writing.
Silented1.
thanks for the comments. oh, and don't worry, I'm not self harming. our teacher showed us a slideshow of different pictures and we had to write a poem based on what we thought the picture represented. the picture I based this one off of was a depressed looking girl sitting at the edge of her bed.
Hey, Fantasyfreak.
I've read a lot of poems very much like this, with the theme of "I'm alone, nobody cares, so I hurt myself." It's not a bad theme in itself, but it's just been so written about that it's become boring. If you're going to keep this topic, see if you can bring something unique to it-- play around with things like different perspectives, metaphor, and other literary devices.
Another thing that might help you is adding some punctuation and formatting to your poetry. Periods, commas, and other punctuation marks are simple to add, and they can help a lot. Read it out loud-- whenever you pause, add a comma. When you stop, end the sentence.
On a different note, if you really are self harming, you should tell somebody. People do care. I care and I don't even know you.
--Jenna