Published December 12, 2009
this probably isn't my best work. may even be my worst. I just put it up just for the heck of it. it's a villanelle, so it's supposed to repeat itself as much as it does.
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I feel the cold breeze against my cheek
The blistering wind blowing my hair all around
The vision of autumn makes me humble and meek
Though the green leaves and grass make it seem oblique
The atmosphere is peaceful, making not a sound
I feel the cold breeze against my cheek
The uneven terrain is cold and bleak
But the myriad of colors is most profound
The vision of autumn makes me humble and meek
Every last leaf is unique
Every slight difference is sure to astound
I feel the cold breeze against my cheek
I take in the landscape, it has much mystique
All of the colors mix together on the ground
The vision of autumn makes me humble and meek
It is more beautiful than anything I’ve seen in a week
It is a feeling of beauty that is sure to confound
I feel the cold breeze against my cheek
The vision of autumn makes me humble and meek
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140,925 Literary Works • 673,751 Reviews
Hi Fantasy! I'm Kat, and I'll be reviewing, okay?
So, it's a vilanelle! I once struggled with it, and believe me, my result was waaay worse than yours xD I believe it's hard to write a poem based on a format, but I don't know if you prefer to write it was you go along or write based on a structure; still, for me, it's very confusing and hard, so I must applaud you on this one. It flowed very well.
Except for this part:
Where I think it lost a bit of its rhythm.
Now, that's about the only nit-pick I have. Oh, wait! There's another one!
One of Autumn's characteristics is the golden toned leaves, so I think you should take out the green to make it more realistic.
And that's it now! Sorry I didn't help much <.< Thanks for posting!
- Kat
I can understand why this style of poetry could be your least favorite, as it is extremely redundant and I am almost pulled my hair out, just reading it. However, you did do a great job describing autumn. Although, like love pointed out, it appeared that you were just trying to find words that ended with the same sound.
First of all, how does autumn make you humble and meek? Also, even with the style supposedly to be redundant, meek and humble basically have the same definition and I am not so sure you should use both of these words in the same sentence.
How are the leaves and grass oblique? Webster defines oblique as:
I'm not sure any of these definitions fit for this description. I suggest you use words that make sense, not those that ryhme.
thanks for the comments. it was a villanelle, and according to my teacher in a villanelle the lines are supposed to repeat as much as they did. not exactly my favorite type of poetry. but thanks!
Hey there!
Wow.. you're really really good at rhyming. It seems though, that you just went looking for words that end with an 'eek' or 'ound' sound. Maybe you should try changing that up a little to make your rhyme scheme more appealing. Though I liked the idea of the motifs you presented, I found it to be quite repetitive. (But hey--if you like your style, don't let me or anyone else tell you what to do!)
I loved your word choice though, and I really felt like I was there feeling autumn with you! Don't stop writing