When you die, what do you think happens? Do you just stop existing? Do you go to Heaven or Hell? Do you become one with the Universe? Well, if you said something along those lines, then you are utterly wrong. 'Then what happens?' you may ask.
Well, you drift into the clouds and become Verska, a magical remanent of your dead self. The first Verska, the Grand Council that pass their responsibilities to other capable leaders, created the Sky Cities, great floating kingdoms. Here, Verska could become solid, and begin a new life. It's been attacked by those who try to destroy the cities, The Fell Verska, but since only a few years ago, it has been peaceful. But then came him, Joaquin Schelakine...
Joaquin was a great influence in his community. He protected others against Fell, started a group against unjust laws and regulation, and was selfless and did whatever he had to for others. It made him a perfect candidate for the Grand Council. But that was such a poor decision.
Soon, he had unleashed his true nature upon the Council, and all of the Sky Cities would suffer the consequences...
"You think you can just do whatever you want with Sky City Epsilon? No! You aren't the only one in the council who has control, Joaquin. We will have you banished from Sky City!" Jaune Caesar cursed at Joaquin, the traitor. "We?" Joaquin Schelakine replied with a horrid smirk all over his face, "You don't know what will come, you innocent fool."
"What?! What will happen to the council?"
"The same fate that will befall you, 'friend' Jaune."
"You're a psycho! What happened to the man I used to know?"
Joaquin pointed a gun at Jaune's head, "All you need to know is to abandon hope. Abandon peace. Abandon dreams." Joaquin said, and he pulled the trigger. "The Council won't know what hit them... or more appropriately, who hit them. MWAHAHAHA! MWA HA HA HA!"
Soon, there will be a meeting, to discuss what can be done to improve Sky City Epsilon. Every Council member will be there, except for Schelakine. And soon, the Apocalypse will rage.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello, shaniac here to review your piece!
I really like how you open up this prologue with a question. Though, the point from what happens kind of drags away as you continue. I would suggest just sticking with that opening and going off with what is going to happen later with the main character. Usually, with first draft prologues, you want to grab the attention of the reader and from there, give them a bit of background as to what is happening. This article may help you out with figuring out if and how to write a prologue: To prologue or not to prologue! This has helped me figure out my own prologue problem and hopefully, it'll help with yours.
Now, with how the body moves away from the death and into the Verska stage could be explained in a tale of some sort. Like, prologues aren't always cut and dry but instead, they kind of lead the reader towards the end. Basically what I'm saying is that paragraph could be explained a bit differently. I do like the ending, though. It is hinting at what is going to happen to Joaquin (which is a wonderful name, by the way). Also, I don't think you need the stars in between each paragraph. That just kind of takes up space and with that leftover space, you can write more of a prologue that explains the story's past, I guess.
What is the Fell? You don't get much of an explanation behind it but instead just mention it. I do think if you gave more understanding behind what the Fell might be, it could clear up later problems as this novel continues on. And even more so with Joaquin. I kind of want more of a backstory with him. What is he? Or, rather who is he because you mention that people that have died are once something else. Details are very important in prologues and I think you are missing a few here and there.
I feel like the conflict could be explained a bit more too. Why does he want to go against the Grand Council? Is the Grand Council a good/bad guy? I'm sure you'll explain more, but you could potentially hint at it.
The dialogue is a bit shaky, in my opinion. It is just there, but I do think you left off a good part. I'm wondering what is going to happen after Joaquin shoots Jaune. Also, you don't need the 'MWAHAHAHAHA!' part, either. You could just say he laughed evilly or something; you want to show, not tell the reader his laughter because that helps with traits, as well.
To cap, I do think you have a nice idea for a novel. I'm curious to see what is going to happen in later chapters and I like Joaquin as a character. A few things that you should work on is writing more to a prologue because you want to grab your reader's attention, the dialogue could use some extra tones and descriptions, and show, not tell the reader how Joaquin is laughing. Have a good day/night and if you have any questions, let me know!
Hey! It's been a while since I've reviewed anything, so I'm little rusty.
Okay, good start with the opening. I like the concept of sky kingdoms! It's interesting, and I like the introspection because it gives us a glance at the setting. The explanation about the Verska can be woven in a bit more strongly to avoid an info dump.
For example,
I think that's a way of teasing the readers before giving them the answer, and it gives the next sentence more importance.
Are you using "fell" on purpose? Otherwise, "fallen" would be better.
SN: I like the name of Joaquin. It's not often I get a chance to read about Joaquins
Great line with an ominous tone! I always enjoy when the plot subverts the obvious idea. Joaquin turning out to be "a wolf in sheep's clothing" is a cool twist. I'm not sure if Joaquin is going to be one of those villains we all love, but I'm here for it!
Personally, I would have rather Jaune call Joaquin a traitor than to just state it.
Well, that escalated quickly. If you mentioned the gun before, maybe it wouldn't come as such a shock. Perhaps, Joaquin moved closer and pulled out an object.
I think this is an excellent section for more detail. Jaune seems really upset and maybe even a bit hurt. Is Jaune sweating in fear or super indignant? I understand he's a character that barely lived for a page haha, but his reaction would show a glimpse of Joaquin and Jaune's relationship. He's a traitor, right? Well, I just wonder how badly does Jaune feel betrayed.
Anyway, really good setup so far. I'm curious to see how the story progresses. As always, keep writing!
Thanks for the review! Everything you have written has been noted!
-FW76