Hello, Fantasy!
For the most part, I have a vague idea of what is happening in this story. There is some rift going on between the world and what's known as "Sky Cities," which are independent organizations that govern themselves. And then a coup occurs on one of said Sky Cities causes a lot of carnage and destruction. Which is definitely an interesting idea and there is a lot you can do with this, but right now, I don't care that much.
As of starting to read your story, I don't have a set character or perspective that I'm attached to or invested in. I've only just been introduced in this world and already there is carnage and death. I don't really know what to make of it, everything is moving too fast for me as a reader. From how the chapter is framed I'm assuming this is going to be a story about Darnell ... but I don't have much inclination as to what role he will play in the story. I don't even know who Darnell as a character is.
My suggestion -- and keep in mind, these are suggestions and my impressions. The final decision is up to how you want to tell the story -- is to spend a little bit more time with Darnell first. Maybe give us a chapter or two with Darnell, and even his brother, to start building some connection between the two of them. Show us his motivation, his drive, his character so that we can get accustomed to this brand new world and the problems it is already facing. In that time period, you can also foreshadow this massive catastrophe by some of the things the characters are observing, how the council is acting, etc. This will make a huge difference on how this scene impacts the reader, making them much more invested why when metaphorical crap hits the fan.
Another things I wanted to touch on is Jaoquin's character. At this point, his character is not that intimidating. He's very cliche, tending to stray on the "I want to rule the world and no one can stop me" stereotype with no real motivation. This also kind of detracts from the scene because it feels like the characters aren't acting nearly as dramatic as they might have intended to have been. I highly recommend trying to flesh out Jaoquin's character a bit more, giving him so motivation, some humanity that the reader can see in him and maybe even cause them to fear him more. In my experience, readers typically react better (in regards to a villain) when they're more realistic than simply theatrical.
Though, if you do choose to follow my suggestion, it would give more opportunity to showcase Jaoquin's character as well.
Finally, I'll just some more specific suggestions with quotes from the piece.
Darnell Terrace sat on his bed, swiping at his rugged, garnet hair.
Quite frankly, this isn't the strongest line. On its own, it's mundane and doesn't tell anything about the character in question. The rest of the paragraph goes on to simply talk about his family, but doesn't say anything in particular about Darnell. I'd recommend maybe giving a bit more character to this line, maybe writing about what he's actively thinking or a more descriptive scene set up or something more engaging than what's written.
To be continued...
This feels cliche and unnecessary considering this is marked as a Chapter 1 and would theoretically lead directly into Chapter 2 in a real novel. This adds too much distinction between the chapters. And we also know it will continue with the next part.
"What are you doing? What is that on your suit? I have so many questions, this is very out of character for you!"
I feel like sometimes when writers give the advice "show, don't tell" they don't often point out sections where telling is occurring, but this is definitely a telling moment. By one character directly saying another is acting out of the usual, it's very obvious to the reader and kind of disengaging. The fact that everyone is so shocked clues us in that this behavior isn't expected of the character. As well, as mentioned before, better establishing the character's "normal" earlier on definitely adds to the shock for the reader, thus leaving comments like this obsolete.
From what I read, I believe you have a solid grasp of what your world is, and that is always really good! I commend you for that. But just make sure you give the reader enough time to adjust to that world and let them in so that they can better engage in the story you are trying to tell. This is a great start and you have a lot of good material to work with.
If you have any questions, you can always feel free to message me about them. I'd be happy to answer ~ Best of luck!
- Wolfe
Now, here is what I found that I think could use some work.
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