z

Young Writers Society


Violence

Dynamica: Virtual Escape Ch. 2

by FantasyWriter76


                               Chapter 2:      

           2129: New Pangea, THe ruins of Virginia

 "Journal Entry #16, 6/09/2129, Current Age is 12: I've made it to the closest I.I. headquarters in T.R.O.V., avoiding the evil monsters along the way through the dust covered streets and half-destroyed buildings."

 "The war had reached what was Virginia, and the country has suffered severely. You'd think it was the middle of the Sahara with all the dust and sand everywhere. Then again, I have no idea what the Sahara is like nowadays, the war could have changed it as drastically as here."

"I.I. had immense power because of their creation, Dynamica, that started the war in the first place. It was a virtual world inside a dumb computer. But then again, anywhere is better than... well, New Pangea."

"New Pangea was the start of the problem if I'm to be realistic here. Before I was born, a series of earthquakes ravaged the world that combined the continents, reforming the Pangea that was at the beginning of life. The earthquakes were so bad, people tried moving to space. It worked initially, but when Earth became New Pangea, all those old dummies went back anyway!"

"I.I. was the only smart ones, realistically. They knew New Pangea was a bad place to raise the next generation, so they tried to get everyone back into space. When that failed, they created the escape that is Dynamica, and everyone went there."

"Since everyone was leaving New Pangea in the dust, the Purge War happened. Everyone killed everything. Bombs dropped, guns shot, people died."

"I'm one of the survivors of the P.W. So I decided that I should take a journey to the Virginian I.I. Corp. building, that way, I could go to Dynamica and blow this popsicle stand before someone destroys literally everything."

"Welp, I'm in the building. Surrounds feature cobwebs, dust, trashed office areas, and a huge elevator made of glass."

"I look around for a map and I found the warp gates to Dynamica are on the 13th floor, the top of the building."

"I hop on the elevator and press the 13th-floor button. As I sit and wait, the elevator plays a one-key tune that sounds like 'aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa' going on for infinity. The place was filthy and generally creepy."

"The elevator door opened onto the warp gate room. All I had to do was jump in the gate on finally join the community of Dynamica. It was fun living on New Pangea. Actually, no. No, it wasn't fun at all. It sucked, like, a lot."

"Well, this is the last thing I'm writing in my journal, whoever in the futuristic utopian society reads this, you know the story that was me, Lucas, and the life of a 12-year-old in 2129. Bye, real life."

To be continued...

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments


User avatar
1085 Reviews

Points: 90000
Reviews: 1085

Donate
Sun Jul 01, 2018 7:43 am
View Likes
Mea wrote a review...



Heyo! I thought I'd drop by for a quick review of this on this lovely Review Day.

Overall, you have a great start so far! The journal format is interesting and lets you tell us a lot we need to know quickly. I do agree with Carlito that you don't really need to have the quotation marks around each paragraph - we know the boy is putting it in his journal. The only thing I am wondering is if the quotation marks imply that he is recording himself saying things rather than writing them down? He does refer to people in the future reading his journal, not listening to it, so I'd guess not, but I can't see the reason for the quotation marks otherwise.

I feel like Lucas sometimes sounds just a little too old to be twelve - mostly in what he understands and explains about all the different organizations and the war and its aftermath, his perspective just seems a little mature. (Mostly in that you'd think he'd sound more traumatized about the war, especially if he was there personally.) Other times, he did sound like a kid, like his sarcastic comments about it being "fun" to live on New Pangea - I liked that line.

Other than that, my main critique is just that I'm kind of confused. I know that he's in Virginia, and that helps me a lot, and I know there was a war and everything's destroyed, but I really don't understand what I.I., why they thought it wasn't safe to stay on Earth, and what Dynamica is, and most importantly why Lucas was living on New Pangea and why he wants to go to Dynamica. Also, why would active warp gates to Dynamica be sitting active on top of an old, abandoned building?

And I think that's about all I've got for you! But overall, you've definitely got a good idea rolling here, and definitely keep at it! It'll be interesting to see where this goes. Keep writing!




User avatar
1162 Reviews

Points: 32055
Reviews: 1162

Donate
Wed Jun 27, 2018 1:31 am
View Likes
Carlito wrote a review...



Hello! I apologize I haven't read the previous installment of this story, but I'm here to help bring this out of the green room!

I always think it's interesting when writers go for more unique prose styles (like writing in journal format) rather than standard prose in a story. It can create such an interesting effect on the writing and the story! I think because you make it so clear in the beginning that this is a journal entry, you don't have to put the quotes around each paragraph. We know this is coming out of the main character's journal.

This excerpt was missing two things for me.

First, voice. Writing a journal entry from the perspective of the MC could be an awesome opportunity to get into the voice of the MC. I know when I write in my journal, it showcases my personality and the way I think. This journal entry felt like a series of facts and a way to tell the reader info about the world rather than an exploration of the MC's inner thoughts. This is still the very beginning of the novel so there will be plenty of time later to explain the history and the world and allow those details to naturally evolve and come out in the story. In these opening chapters I want to feel connected to the MC and get thrown into the plot/conflict of the story. Which brings me to...

Second, the plot. I didn't get a strong sense of what the book is going to be about or what the central conflict is going to be. The world details and history is interesting, but I kept waiting for something to happen. I would play with the journal entry being more of a snapshot of something the MC does in the story that's important for the overall plot (and through that you could put in little details about the world).

I hope you keep working on this story, and let me know if you have any questions or if there's something you'd like feedback about that I didn't mention! :D






Like many newcomers to my stories, it is very integral to read the previous chapter, like how a normal book would be read. The previous chapter follows the actual adventure of the protagonist, Lucas, while this is a more exposition focused chapter. I see where you're coming from with this review, so thanks anyway!




Of those who say nothing, few are silent.
— Thomas Neill