Sunset, sunrise,
Night sky fading,
Stars disappearing
Into endless space.
Moon hiding,
Sun shining,
Plants growing,
Water crinkling.
Her, watching,
A smile on her face.
Warm breeze blowing,
Clouds all moving,
Animals all speaking
In their creature's tongue.
Something shimmering
In the sunlight
The girl goes
To see what it is.
Plastic.
The world around her changes.
Oil, gasses,
Plastic bags, garbage.
No green in sight.
No blue sky,
No breeze,
No stars
And no sunlight.
Black in sight,
Grey sky,
Cold wind,
And clouds grey too.
This can't be real,
The girl thought,
Though all thoughts
Had gone, too.
Suddenly the sky cleared
And a creature of her mind came.
It spoke the wise words
That many speak the same.
"It is time to take action,
While we still live today.
And save the beautiful,
Rich and green Earth,
That others have let decay.
Listen to the children's words
As they all speak in one,
"Why study for a future,
when we have none?"
Many adults choose not to hear,
Many children, too,
But those who have chosen to listen wants change.
What about you?
Let's all gather
Let's all rise
Like the oceans, like the creatures,
We have let demise.
Let us not hesitate any more
Even if our legs are sore,
Because we will all fight
For the future, we have to restore."
And so the landscape changed, back to old,
But nothing was the same.
The girls' thoughts had all been rearranged
As she ran towards the future, screaming for change.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,785 Reviews
Hello! Manilla here for a review as requested. Let's get right into it, shall we?
As a reader
In this poem, the author proceeds to take my heart and rip it into shreds. Good job. *clap, clap*
Your intention as a writer was very clear - To express the narrator's views of the world she lives in and how it is changing for the worse. The thoughts progress very logically, and at the end, there is a call for action.
Pardon me, but JESUS CHRIST. Wow.
Many of us connect to this scenario, where politicians will not (or cannot?) stop this problem that threatens us all. The way you wrote this poem was like a story, with a main character, a plot, and a conflict. Perhaps you could make it into one?
As a writer
Word choice here. Perhaps "rippling" would work better in context, for example:
The usage of "demise" can be fixed. Try: "We have lead to their demise"?
Also, you lack the usage of stanzas (because this is a longer poem, I'm bringing this up), which YWS stubbornly refuses to let you do. A suggestion is to insert a screenshot of Google Docs, which lets you be as flexible as you want. There are also posts on how to properly format poems on YWS, but I can't find them as of now.
A suggestion is to be more 'mysterious' with the way you write poetry. This is a pretty vague comment, but it's okay not to let your poetry be straightforward all the time - That's what generates the beauty of some poems. Let your words, figurative language, and woven emotion, "components"that make up poems, tell part of the story, too. I find a lot of spicy words in a thesaurus replacing simpler ones. The words don't have to be complicated or so old that no one can understand them, but better representative of the powerful meaning you have in here.
Maybe adding such elements of language can make the poem's lines flow smoother together, because lots of short, concise lines can make it choppy. Play around with it all a little and see where it takes you.
That's all from me! Keep writing - Words can change worlds.
-Manilla out
Hello Fantasci!
This is a wonderful poem!
I love what you did it based on, the message and feelings toward it is noticeable.
It has a story line to it which is really cool, and creative.
It makes it more entertaining
It longer then i expected it to be, but that doesn't bother me much.
I just think it could have been a little shorter.
There isn't many grammar or punctuation errors but there is a few tiny one's.
Either than that is great!
I hope to read more from you!
Mostly your poems, lol
Sincerely Anma
This was a good poem
I like the message, though I think you could have done a little bit better with the flow around the middle of the poem.
Thank you for your comment! We'll talk later, K?
Hello, FlamingPhoenix here with a review for you, which I haven't done for quit a wile, so I'm looking forward to this.
Okay let's start with what I saw could be fixed.
Okay so I only saw one small thing that really can be fixed really quickly.
All I can really say here is that both these lines just need a comma after them. It's will make the flow a little better. But you don't have to if you don't agree.
But other then that I just loved this poem, and I think everyone should read this. I just loved it, it was really well written, and it carried a lot of emotion is the words you chose. I also liked it that every word pretty much rimed with everything, I have know idea how you did but I do wish there was more poems like this out on YWS.
I also think the name you chose for this poem was quit fitting, and when I saw it, I new this was a poem for me, and I'm glad I came to have a look.
And other than those to punctuation mistakes I pointed out, the rest of this poem, was really smooth to read, everything just mixed together really well.
Well that's all from me for now, I really do hope I will get to enjoy reading and reviewing another one of your poems soon. Never stop writing and have a great day/night.
Your friend
FlamingPhoenix.
Reviewing with a fiery passion.
Thank you so much for your review! It really means a lot
I'm glad I could help out.
Bravo!!!!!’ Bravo!!!!!!! ❤️❤️😊😊😊
Thank you!