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E - Everyone

Discovering the real world

by Fantascifi66

Sunset, sunrise,

Night sky fading,

Stars disappearing

Into endless space.

Moon hiding,

Sun shining,

Plants growing,

Water crinkling.

Her, watching,

A smile on her face.

Warm breeze blowing,

Clouds all moving,

Animals all speaking

In their creature's tongue.

Something shimmering

In the sunlight

The girl goes

To see what it is.


The world around her changes.

Oil, gasses,

Plastic bags, garbage.

No green in sight.

No blue sky,

No breeze,

No stars

And no sunlight.

Black in sight,

Grey sky,

Cold wind,

And clouds grey too.

This can't be real,

The girl thought,

Though all thoughts

Had gone, too.

Suddenly the sky cleared

And a creature of her mind came.

It spoke the wise words

That many speak the same.

"It is time to take action,

While we still live today.

And save the beautiful,

Rich and green Earth,

That others have let decay.

Listen to the children's words

As they all speak in one,

"Why study for a future,

when we have none?"

Many adults choose not to hear,

Many children, too,

But those who have chosen to listen wants change.

What about you?

Let's all gather

Let's all rise

Like the oceans, like the creatures,

We have let demise.

Let us not hesitate any more

Even if our legs are sore,

Because we will all fight

For the future, we have to restore."

And so the landscape changed, back to old,

But nothing was the same.

The girls' thoughts had all been rearranged

As she ran towards the future, screaming for change.

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5 Reviews

Points: 274
Reviews: 5

Sun Mar 24, 2019 10:35 pm
LarrisonOrdinarison wrote a review...

Hey I'm gonna say a few things about this. The message this sends is an important one, this poem does a good job at conveying it's theme. The way it's set up is pretty annoying to read and some readers might get tired of reading it on their first run. By all means the way it's set up isn't bad but could make some readers bored of it and stop reading it. Overall the poem had a good message but might make some people not want to read.

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114 Reviews

Points: 314
Reviews: 114

Sat Mar 23, 2019 9:42 pm
manilla wrote a review...

Hello! Manilla here for a review as requested. Let's get right into it, shall we?

As a reader
In this poem, the author proceeds to take my heart and rip it into shreds. Good job. *clap, clap*

Your intention as a writer was very clear - To express the narrator's views of the world she lives in and how it is changing for the worse. The thoughts progress very logically, and at the end, there is a call for action.

Listen to the children's words

As they all speak in one,

"Why study for a future,

when we have none?"

Pardon me, but JESUS CHRIST. Wow.

Many of us connect to this scenario, where politicians will not (or cannot?) stop this problem that threatens us all. The way you wrote this poem was like a story, with a main character, a plot, and a conflict. Perhaps you could make it into one?

As a writer
Water crinkling.

Word choice here. Perhaps "rippling" would work better in context, for example:

We have let demise.

The usage of "demise" can be fixed. Try: "We have lead to their demise"?

Also, you lack the usage of stanzas (because this is a longer poem, I'm bringing this up), which YWS stubbornly refuses to let you do. A suggestion is to insert a screenshot of Google Docs, which lets you be as flexible as you want. There are also posts on how to properly format poems on YWS, but I can't find them as of now.

A suggestion is to be more 'mysterious' with the way you write poetry. This is a pretty vague comment, but it's okay not to let your poetry be straightforward all the time - That's what generates the beauty of some poems. Let your words, figurative language, and woven emotion, "components"that make up poems, tell part of the story, too. I find a lot of spicy words in a thesaurus replacing simpler ones. The words don't have to be complicated or so old that no one can understand them, but better representative of the powerful meaning you have in here.

Maybe adding such elements of language can make the poem's lines flow smoother together, because lots of short, concise lines can make it choppy. Play around with it all a little and see where it takes you.

That's all from me! Keep writing - Words can change worlds.
-Manilla out

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130 Reviews

Points: 216
Reviews: 130

Sat Mar 23, 2019 8:02 pm
Anma wrote a review...

Hello Fantasci!

This is a wonderful poem!

I love what you did it based on, the message and feelings toward it is noticeable.

It has a story line to it which is really cool, and creative.
It makes it more entertaining :)

It longer then i expected it to be, but that doesn't bother me much.
I just think it could have been a little shorter.

There isn't many grammar or punctuation errors but there is a few tiny one's.

Either than that is great!

I hope to read more from you!
Mostly your poems, lol

Sincerely Anma

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Points: 0
Reviews: 0

Sat Mar 23, 2019 2:25 pm
TheDepressedCat says...

This was a good poem :) I like the message, though I think you could have done a little bit better with the flow around the middle of the poem.

Fantascifi66 says...

Thank you for your comment! We'll talk later, K?

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562 Reviews

Points: 14535
Reviews: 562

Sat Mar 23, 2019 1:59 pm
FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...

Hello, FlamingPhoenix here with a review for you, which I haven't done for quit a wile, so I'm looking forward to this.

Okay let's start with what I saw could be fixed.

Okay so I only saw one small thing that really can be fixed really quickly.

Sunset, sunrise

Night sky fading

All I can really say here is that both these lines just need a comma after them. It's will make the flow a little better. But you don't have to if you don't agree.

But other then that I just loved this poem, and I think everyone should read this. I just loved it, it was really well written, and it carried a lot of emotion is the words you chose. I also liked it that every word pretty much rimed with everything, I have know idea how you did but I do wish there was more poems like this out on YWS.
I also think the name you chose for this poem was quit fitting, and when I saw it, I new this was a poem for me, and I'm glad I came to have a look.
And other than those to punctuation mistakes I pointed out, the rest of this poem, was really smooth to read, everything just mixed together really well.

Well that's all from me for now, I really do hope I will get to enjoy reading and reviewing another one of your poems soon. Never stop writing and have a great day/night.

Your friend
FlamingPhoenix. :D
Reviewing with a fiery passion.

Fantascifi66 says...

Thank you so much for your review! It really means a lot :)

I'm glad I could help out. :D

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14 Reviews

Points: 588
Reviews: 14

Sat Mar 23, 2019 10:39 am
WriterSister33 says...

Bravo!!!!!’ Bravo!!!!!!! ❤️❤️😊😊😊

Fantascifi66 says...

Thank you! :)

It is not enough to do your best; you must know what to do, and THEN do your best.
— W. Edwards Deming