Young Writers Society

Hello! Manilla here for a review as requested. Let's get right into it, shall we?

As a reader
In this poem, the author proceeds to take my heart and rip it into shreds. Good job. *clap, clap*

Your intention as a writer was very clear - To express the narrator's views of the world she lives in and how it is changing for the worse. The thoughts progress very logically, and at the end, there is a call for action.

Listen to the children's words

As they all speak in one,

"Why study for a future,

when we have none?"

Pardon me, but JESUS CHRIST. Wow.

Many of us connect to this scenario, where politicians will not (or cannot?) stop this problem that threatens us all. The way you wrote this poem was like a story, with a main character, a plot, and a conflict. Perhaps you could make it into one?

As a writer

Water crinkling.

Word choice here. Perhaps "rippling" would work better in context, for example:

We have let demise.

The usage of "demise" can be fixed. Try: "We have lead to their demise"?

Also, you lack the usage of stanzas (because this is a longer poem, I'm bringing this up), which YWS stubbornly refuses to let you do. A suggestion is to insert a screenshot of Google Docs, which lets you be as flexible as you want. There are also posts on how to properly format poems on YWS, but I can't find them as of now.

A suggestion is to be more 'mysterious' with the way you write poetry. This is a pretty vague comment, but it's okay not to let your poetry be straightforward all the time - That's what generates the beauty of some poems. Let your words, figurative language, and woven emotion, "components"that make up poems, tell part of the story, too. I find a lot of spicy words in a thesaurus replacing simpler ones. The words don't have to be complicated or so old that no one can understand them, but better representative of the powerful meaning you have in here.

Maybe adding such elements of language can make the poem's lines flow smoother together, because lots of short, concise lines can make it choppy. Play around with it all a little and see where it takes you.

That's all from me! Keep writing - Words can change worlds.
-Manilla out

Hello, FlamingPhoenix here with a review for you, which I haven't done for quit a wile, so I'm looking forward to this.

Okay let's start with what I saw could be fixed.

Okay so I only saw one small thing that really can be fixed really quickly.

Sunset, sunrise

Night sky fading

All I can really say here is that both these lines just need a comma after them. It's will make the flow a little better. But you don't have to if you don't agree.

But other then that I just loved this poem, and I think everyone should read this. I just loved it, it was really well written, and it carried a lot of emotion is the words you chose. I also liked it that every word pretty much rimed with everything, I have know idea how you did but I do wish there was more poems like this out on YWS.
I also think the name you chose for this poem was quit fitting, and when I saw it, I new this was a poem for me, and I'm glad I came to have a look.
And other than those to punctuation mistakes I pointed out, the rest of this poem, was really smooth to read, everything just mixed together really well.

Well that's all from me for now, I really do hope I will get to enjoy reading and reviewing another one of your poems soon. Never stop writing and have a great day/night.

Your friend
FlamingPhoenix.
Reviewing with a fiery passion.