I awoke in the darkness, buried in my thoughts. Could this really be happening to me? Am I who I think I am? My life couldn’t of been that bad. I know life wasn’t what I wanted it to be. But to be immortal with a full life ahead of me! This had to be a dream. Well I guess I could live with this new lifestyle. Yeah! I will start a new life with no worries, no pain, no….
With that thought I rolled off the slab of wood I call a bed and on to the musty floor. Maybe my life was that bad. My life was a dark hole of nothingness.
I know what your thinking now. No, I’m not one of those Gothic kids that hate life and worships the devil! In fact I’m not even close to that kind of living. Ok I might hate the life I’m living but not that much!
I don’t have a lot of money. Both my parents were killed in a fire. I was lucky enough to get out. I tried to help them but me being so destructive I caught myself on fire and had to run outside to put it out.
I don’t have any family left. Well any family that is willing to take a troublesome teenage girl. I live here now. My old burnt house that is. I don’t even go to school. The school board has been looking for a Sara Olivia for ten years. Well I guess you figured out the fire was ten years ago also. I was six then. I had a lot going for me too. I was cute, sweet, and America’s number one child according to the New York Times of 1999. Now in 2009 I’m the most wanted teen in New York.
I was born April 13, 1993 in a little town called Black Diamond in Alberta, Canada. That same year we moved to New York where we found the only patch of forest there is. We built our house there. Life was great! I had a family that loved me, fame, and money.
Now I’m a no one who lives in a house, if that’s what you want to call it, alone and poor. The only money I have is that of the remains of thousands that where burnt those ten years ago.
I now go as Esme Elizabeth Mason. My mother’s name was Elizabeth, my father’s Mason. Esme was the name of the maid that worked for us who was also killed in the fire. She was like a second mother to me. Oh how I miss them.
I have never left the house at all since the fire went out. Everyone thinks I’m dead as well. After the fire they looked to see if there was anyone left in the house. I was but no one noticed me with all the soot, and short hair, for my hair was burnt off. I couldn’t speak for weeks and by the time I could talk everyone has already forgotten about me.
Now I sit here alone with not a single soul who even knows or cares about me. I think today I’ll do something I’ve never done. I think I’ll try to find a new family. Someone who loves and cares about me. Maybe even go to school! I think it’s time I try. Here I go.
The sun was bright. That’s something I haven’t seen in awhile. It was a surprise to me to see the city in action. The cars honked at me, people screamed, and ran but I didn’t seem to care. I was living for once. Living the life I have dreamed of for years. Maybe not the immortal part but the part about no pain and no worries.
I walked into a beautiful hotel called The Plaza Hotel. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever laid eyes on.
“ Sara? Sara Olivia?” I heard a name I’ve hadn’t heard in years coming from behind me.
“ I’m sorry I think you’ve got the wrong person. My name is Esme Elizabeth Mason. Not Sara Olivia.” I said sadly wishing it had still been my name and everything was back to normal.
“ I’m sorry I thought you were someone else.” The voice said. I don’t know why but it sounded familiar.
“ So do I.” I mumbled to myself.
This time I decided to turn around. There standing in front of me was what I thought to be the ghost of Esme.
“ Esme?” I asked hoping no one was watching me talk to a ghost.
“ Why yes.” The ghost lady said.
“ Esme, the maid to Elizabeth and Mason. Second mother to Sara Olivia?”
“ That’s me!”
“ I thought you were dead. It’s me Sara! Oh my.”
“ I knew it was you. I thought you were dead too.”
At that moment we forgot about the past. Esme took me upstairs to the spas. They people there cleaned me up. I feel like a brand new woman!
Seven years passed and Sara Olivia became the woman she wanted to be. She had her fame back! She was rich and now lives in a penthouse at the Plaza Hotel with Esme as her adopted mother. She is married and has three children, Esme, Elizabeth, and Mason. She never looks back in the past. Everything in the past is just the lost story of Sara Olivia.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I think you mean "couldn't HAVE been that bad"
Not sure about this jump to second person, but oh well. We'll see. In the first sentence, "your" should be "you are" or "you're"
Wouldn't they have looked in the house before, especially if she's the "most wanted teen in New York"?
This is a very abrupt change of mind, considered that she's lived on her own for ten years. What has kept her going all this time, to be thrown away in a matter of minutes?
I really like this bit. I'm not sure why, it just struck me as being really pretty.
Overall: This was a sweet story, but slightly confusing. At first I thought she was talking to the ghost of Esme, but anyway... We need A LOT more fleshing out. How did she survive when she was six? How come she's so famous? Why is she wanted? This feels almost like the summary of the story. Also, it should seem like more of a coincidence when she meets up with Esme. If we know what she's been through, it will be all the more powerful.
I'll ask it again-- how did a six or seven year old survive in New York inside a burned building? If it was big enough a fire to kill her parents, then the building was probably destroyed. If it wasn't, then how come no one bought the property? how come no looters, etc. ruined it? How does she get food? How come she is "wanted"? what did she do? I would be so much more satisfied if I knew the answer to these questions.
Oh, and one more thing: Watch the tenses. It gets very hard to read when you switch to past and present and back again.
All that said, I enjoyed reading the lost story of Sarah Olivia, and if you edit this or post something that needs a review, feel free to ask me.
See you around,
Lupis
Hello Fanpire (do I call you that?) Here goes.
Well, I have my own way of critiquing (you have no idea how many times I've said this) so bear with me.
#FF0000 ">Okay, I'm utterly confused. This seems, interesting. I'm just... well, goodness I have no idea!
Your writing, though, is skillful and I liked what you wrote, it's just the tense issues that led me off the story. Correct that and I think it would make this piece much better.
~Ash~