Elsie was moving around the room, unpacking her things when she spotted an old, dirty rug lying tattered at a far end of the room. She moved closer to the rug and lifted it. she saw a hidden door and attempted to open it right away but hesitated. She went back to Iris and told her.
"Why don't we inform Miss Ravenna about it first?" Iris suggested with a look that said 'even if you force me, I will not drag my lazy legs there' but Elsie was not the kind to back down without a fight.
"We are not staying here tonight without opening this door, neither are we going to breathe a word to Miss Ravenna." Elsie said with a stubborn look on her face. Iris reluctantly helped Elsie to open the door and just when they were about to check what was inside, a knock came on their door. Elsie groaned before covering the secret door while Iris thanked God silently. They opened the door to find Miss Ravenna standing there, looking classic as always.
"Good evening, girls, how are you doing here?" she asked with a pleasant smile on her face. Elsie forced a smile on her face though her face was hard as a brick.
"Come in, Miss." Iris gestured for Miss Ravenna to enter but the glare shot to her by Elsie was so intense she changed her mind and turned away and left Elsie to talk.
"Uh......Miss Ravenna,we are tidying our room and it's all dusty in here." Elsie quickly said without thinking. Iris was trying to get Miss Ravenna's attention and direct her to the basement door but Elsie was always a step ahead. She stepped right in front of Miss Ravenna to block her from seeing Iris. She managed to talk Miss Ravenna from entering the room. She turned to face Iris after Miss Ravenna had left and the look on her face was dangerous.
"Hey, I didn't do anything. Why are you looking at me with those eyes?" Iris asked, feigning innocence. Elsie locked the door to their room from inside and went to open to basement door.She saw a dark basement and decided to go in.
"Elsie, tell me that you are not going in there, for God's sake." Iris said, her voice pleading. But Elsie just ignored her and entered. Iris had no choice but to ran behind and follow. As they descended the staircase, the lights on the side of the passage started to come on. Iris was trembling all the way and couldn't stop bumping into Elsie. Elsie became annoyed and tried to yell at Iris but Iris reminded her that they were at an unknown place. Elsie just rolled her eyes and kept on moving. As they descended the staircase, lights hung on the sides of the cold walls of the stairs began to flicker and come on. At last, they got to where they were heading to.
As light came to the room, a huge smile grew on Elsie’s face as if she knew what was there.
“You ready?’’ Elsie turned to a shaking Iris with a huge smile. “I don’t know what you are actually planning but please get me out of your plans.” Iris replied, looking around the creepy place. Elsie just ignored her and walked around the room.
“This place must have been a library or maybe a class for witches and wizards.” Elsie said, still walking around.
“Look here young lady, we are not in Hogwarts or in Harry Potter’s time. I’m leaving this place and as soon I make it up there safe and sound, Miss Ravenna will be the next person to explore your Hogwarts. I’m out.” Iris said as she turned to leave but, just then, something caught her attention. She walked toward a shelf as if a spell had been cast on her. She saw a book labled Spell book For Beginners. She was awestruck and couldn’t believe what she saw. Could be Elsie be right? She asked herself as she picked the book.
“I thought you said you were leaving………………what is that you are holding?” Elsie asked as she moved closer to Iris. She was so shocked she had trouble breathing. Iris scrambled to action and tried to help her roommate as much as she could but, unknown to her, Elsie had asthma that triggered when she was startled or shocked. She felt her pocket for her inhaler but she remembered that she left it on her bed. She pointed it out th her roommate Iris had no choice but to pull Elsie upstairs. Once they were there, Elsie ran to her bed as fast as his asthmatic legs could carry her. She got her inhaler and did justice to herself in front of a confused Iris. Once Elsie had calmed down, Iris began bombarding her with question but Elsie wasn’t paying attention to them. She looked at the clock in their room and learned that the time had stopped when they went to the basement. She moved toward that place and Iris looked at her like she was crazy.
“You are going back to that place? Look, I don’t have time for another series of panick attack.” Iris said and before she could convince Elsie to stay, the public address system told every student to gather downstairs to welcome a new student.
“The know how to send the hell out of a person too much.” Elsie groaned as she followed Iris downstairs. They got to the railings and looked down to find a beautiful girl about their age with a dark skin tone. After the welcome, the girl was directed to Elsie and Iris’ room to join them there.
Elsie looked at her with interest and welcomed her sweetly. The new girl introduced herself as Stephanie.
“ You must be Elsie Hudson, and this must be Iris Stanford, your roommie.” “I’m Stephanie Kimberly, or you can call me Kim.” the new said as Elsie looked shocked.
Who is this new girl called Stephanie?
Where does she know Elsie and Iris?
Does she know anything about the secret passage?
To find out, look out for the next part.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,738 Reviews
Ah a short tip: Maybe you should put this in the same folder as chapter 1? Makes it easier to find it :3
LOL!!!!Hmm reading this immediately after ch1 kinda makes it fit together less. Because last chapter the 2 found the rug together and they’ve already opened it. I kinda thought this would start with them.. idk starting into the black void beyond the trap door and wondering if they really want to head inside? ^^
Forgot to capitalize “she” here: “ she saw a hidden door“ ^^
Also love how Elsie says that they’re gonna open the door =D
Hmm I am having a bit of trouble understanding the motivations of both girls. It seemed to me that they both didn’t want to share the secret of the trap door but then Iris tries to direct the attention of Miss Ravenna toward the door? Ahh I get it now, bc Iris doesn’t really wanna check out the basement door but she also doesn’t want to piss of Elsie, gotcha!
“ Iris had no choice but to ran behind and follow.” Ah but she could still run after Miss Ravenna? Or just chill out in the room while Elsie does her dangerous adventure? =D
Hmm I wish there were more descriptions of their emotional state as they are climbing into this basement. A reaction to the cold, a shiver of fear of what they are doing. What does it smell like in there? What are the walls made of? Do they fit with the rest of the building?
“lights hung on the sides of the cold walls of the stairs began to flicker and come on“ Ohhh magic or motion sensors, that is the question!
IT IS MAGIC! Yessss
Oh I like that Elsie has asthma and that it is plot-relevant. That is very interesting!
Hm my first thought was actually that Stephanie might be one of the 2 girls earlier that came into their room? Maybe they knew abt the trapdoor and wanted to go there but were thwarted by Iris and Elsie being there?
I feel like the pacing of the chapter is very rushed. I wish you would linger a bit more on each… plot point to really let everything sink in. I also felt like you weren’t quite as firmly in Elsie’s head as last chapter. There were some sentences that felt like written from Iris’ POV instead.
Thanks
Hiya Fannie! I'm Rox and I'm here with a review for your story!
For example, you 'tell' us she spotted a rug and you 'tell' us that she went back to Iris to let her know.Your concept is incredibly fascinating, I enjoyed reading it. I went back to part one to get some more information, and it might be better to categorise your story as a novel with chapters instead of a short story. The vibe that you created seems somewhat similar to the Harry Potter world indeed, only with a more ambiguous feel.
The hidden door leading to a library with books for spells adds a whole other layer to everything. It seems like a pretty important part of the story. However, I felt like it was rushed. You often 'tell' instead of 'show', and this can make a huge difference.
But instead, you can 'show' us that she found the rug.
And instead of "She went back to Iris and told her", you can write:
The same goes here. When Iris thought that she was so fragile as a snowflake, you can give us more 'show' and descriptions of the place.
One line that I found particularly interesting is the following: Were they just frozen in time? A time loop perhaps, or did they continue in another time than their own? This part seems unclear, but it has a lot of potential to grow into something more magical O.o
And ooh, cliffhanger ending - I wonder what the new girl knows about everything and how she knows their names. Good job on creating suspense!
That's it, that's all.
Have a great day!
Cheers,
Roxanne
Thanks Rox