Hello, FangirlDivided! (Have I told you yet that I love your username? Cuz I do.)
This is quite a delightful chapter!
One thing that stood out to me while reading this is how comfortable you seem with this genre. I get the sense you've written plenty of fantasy/adventure stories before, and/or have read a lot of stories that fall under that category. Either way, I'd say you demonstrate a natural knack for this type of writing, which is awesome.
I know this is just the first chapter, and as such I've only just met them, but I already love your characters. There's depth to them, layers and complexities. I can tell you're setting them up to be well-rounded and interesting. I was right away intrigued by the dynamic between Theoren and Felix—I have a weakness for friendships with casual competitiveness; blame Betty and Veronica—but by the end, the dynamic I was really taken with was that of Theoren and Amalia. Sibling relationships are always interesting, and I love how you've set theirs up. You were perfectly subtle about it, too—the way Theoren "unconsciously started rebranding" her hair? So adorable. So perfect. I love subtlety like that, little touches that establish something about a character or the relationship between two characters... Just brilliant.
As for Theoren himself, he seems like a solid protagonist thus far. Of course it's easy for a writer to fall into tropes with the hero protagonist of their fantasy or action/adventure novel, and though you seem very skilled with character-building, I'd be remiss not to warn you of that. Just make sure Theoren isn't too perfect, or generic, or too tough or skilled or special, and you'll do fine. 
I thought this was a very good first chapter in terms of story, as well. You've set the tone of the novel, you've started setting up the plot, you've established a few things without establishing or explaining too much—basically, it pulls the reader in and it holds their interest. A good way to test the effectiveness of a first chapter is to ask the reader whether or not they'd read the second chapter, and in this case, I definitely would. So, props for that.
Since this is just the beginning of the story (and a strong beginning too), I don't have much in the way of constructive criticism—mostly just a few comments and some minor grammatical mistakes. Which brings us to... nitpicks!
My awareness was rewarded when my wooden drill sword connected with my sparring partner’s, Felix, wrist.
Change this to:
My awareness was rewarded when my wooden drill sword connected with my sparring partner Felix's wrist.
Wipe the scowl of your face, Felix.
I believe you mean, "wipe the scowl off your face."
Now both of you come get some water and bread.” He barked out in his rough voice
The H in "he" should be lowercase here. If a pronoun that follows dialogue is connected to that dialogue (e.g., "he said/she said/they asked"), then it should begin with a lowercase letter—always. You make this mistake a few times.
HIs command was answered by a “Yes, Master Crod.” from me and a “Yes, father.” from Felix.
The I in "his" seems to have been accidentally capitalized here. Also, when you write "yes, Master Crod" and "yes, Father," you don't really need to capitalize the Y's in "yes" or include periods. And finally, the F in "father" should be capitalized here. This is the rule: if mum/dad/nana/auntie/etc is preceded by, say, a possessive pronoun (e.g., "my father"), the first letter is lowercase; if, however, you're referring to a character as mum/dad/nana/auntie/etc, in place of their actual name (e.g., "yes, Father"), the first letter should be capitalized.
As we made our way over to our gray haired and dusty master
Should be "gray-haired," with a dash.
Felix was as old as I was at 18, and he was also just as tall. The only true difference was he had blonde hair to my black, and green to my brown eyes.
So this is a personal pet peeve of mine: When a writer states what a character looks like almost immediately, and without much subtlety. It's just kind of cringe-y. I know it's tempting to tell the reader your character's description right off the bat (what author wants their reader to picture their character in a way that's not at all how they're supposed to look??), but it's just so clunky. Wait a little while and work the description in subtly; make it blend with the story and not stick out like a sore thumb.
Also, there's something kind of bland about just stating a character's hair and eye color. Again, I understand the appeal, but it's not very interesting. When you do eventually work in their descriptions, do it in a fun, interesting way—like, "Felix's eyes were swampy and full of mischief, enhanced by hair that was the color of straw." I dunno, something like that.
We were both dusty and hot from sparring all morning but, I much prefer the sunny open fields that we trained in
Put the comma before "but" and after "morning."
me, my friend, and my teacher heard the sounds
My friend, my teacher, and I.
With that I galloped away followed closely by Sir Hollest.
Comma after "away."
claustrophobic and dark. However this was my home and where I grew up. I found the dark, tight spaces comforting and secure.
I made it to a set of dark doors in one of the center most towers near the top. I didn’t hesitate and swung the door open.
The room was dark from the heavy curtains that covered the window, the only source of light being three small wax candles by the bed.
See how many times you use the word "dark" here? You've gotta work on varying your language. It's a small thing, sure, but it makes all the difference.
She was around 16 summers with hair that was darker than the night sky that was braided around her head like a crown.
So I know, with a story like this, writing in a vaguely old-timey way is kind of a requirement—and to your credit, you've managed to do that without alienating your reader. The only part of this story that jumped out at me as being overwrought and cringe-y was this sentence, mostly because of the line "hair that was darker than the night sky." I get what you were going for, I do, but man oh man—that bit really bums me out.
Her face was not to me but I knew what would be there.
What?
so I unconsciously started rebraiding it. My fingers remembering the task that they have done since I was eight.
Either change the period following "rebraiding it" to a comma, or change "remembering" to "remembered."
Surly not father.
I believe you mean, "surely not Father"?
Now is different I will doing everything in my power
Lots wrong with this line. Maybe try:
Now things are different; I will do everything in my power
So, overall, this is a very good first chapter of what looks poised to be a really entertaining novel. I'd love to read more. Just keep in mind the issues I mentioned and you'll have an awesome book on your hands.
Nice work!
Points: 2856
Reviews: 41
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