Young Writers Society

Hey! A late welcome to YWS! First off, the imagery in this poem was spot on. It transitions smoothly from each image to the next, so great job on that!

A few things that didn't make sense to me: the line "I can't tell apart the feel" doesn't sound grammatically correct to me. I'm terrible at remembering the actual rules of grammar, so I couldn't tell you what's wrong with it, but I think you should look for a way to rephrase it.

Second, the rhyme scheme. There isn't a clear, repeating pattern. Now, it didn't really bother me, but the lack of a pattern didn't do much to add to the poem either, so you may want to try and rewrite it with a repeating pattern.

I absolutely loved the last four lines. They seemed to draw the poem to a close smoothly, bringing together everything mentioned beforehand. Great job!

Hello.

I'll be honest. The first thing I did here, when I noticed a rhyme scheme, was check to see if you had a consistent pattern— and you don't. However, I actually enjoyed that about the poem. I liked the sudden break and repetition that reworked the rhyme scheme and drew attention to the crux of the poem, which was narcolepsy.

However, I find your beginning to be a little weak. While it flows well in terms of how it's read, but the switch from nightmares to daymares (is that a word?) is a bit jumbled, and the metaphor almost feels too internal. It's not bad— I like the images, even if they are a bit typical— but it's a little dense. It serves as good set-up to the wonderful ending, but I'm wondering if you couldn't have a better set-up that isn't quite as forgettable before we get to the puzzle.

I like this poem and find it pretty solid, but I think it could be better. Keep the stick and hitch of the end, keep the twist, but maybe rework how we get to that twist. Pulling from slice of life to make your metaphors grounded in reality could be something to try. Maybe muck around with free verse, or a different rhyme scheme— or not. Whatever you want.

Overall, this has the start of a really good voice, and it could do pretty well as is. However, I'd like to see you reach a little farther. Dig a little deeper. Keep the twist but make the details a little more grounded, maybe set a scene that is part real, part fantasy. Just something so we get an even more surreal picture.

Hope this helps! Let me know if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey

Hey FanofFates, first off I wanna say welcome to the site! This is a great first work to post and I loved it! I am here to offer my opinion and critique! So let's get started!

I loved the creepy atmosphere and overall tone of this poem. It's so dark and tragic and terrifying that it really brings the reader out of their element, for example when you say,

I close my eyes and let the darkness come

But the fear isn't there until I feel the sun.

Every day, it's the exact same thing-

The monsters roar and bite and sting.

No one is home- no one can help me.

I wish I could leave, but outside I see

The burning, dry glare

And the brightness in the air.

I used to fear the dark

But now I am the only one...

The only one

With an endless, hopeless

Fear of the sun.