Did you know that it is possible to kill a reaper? Do you even know what a true reaper is? The true reaper is a gentle spirit, he will carry you gently away, almost as if to save you from this reality. What happens then? I don't know. you see, I have not fully experienced death. I cheated it. I killed the reaper.
I followed the broken road, Hannah and Alexander far ahead of me. The silent, eerie darkness crept over me, The shattering screech of a creature tore through the dead of night. the noise sent a shiver up my spine, but I continued on. Hannah and Alex stopped to investigate the area. I sat on a pile of rubble, giving my frail, pale body a rest.My black hair danced gracefully with the wind, swirling and twirling with the cool breeze. My eyes began to glow their usual bright blue. I found my target. I ran down the road, leaving Hannah and Alexander in the dust. I entered the old abandoned village. Quietly, I observed the deserted buildings. A quiet song broke the silence, flooding the creepy ghost town with a strange sense of comfort. I let my ear guide me to a small house, one dim light was shining, the music spilled from the window. I entered and made my way to the room. Silently, I peered into the room. A little boy sat at the piano, skillfully hitting the keys. The little boy, maybe eight years of age, had black hair. An odd color of icy blue filled his eyes.
"Who is there?" The little boy noticed my presence.
"My name?" I asked cautiously. "My name is...Violet"
"Violet?" The boy stopped playing. "Violet Loss?"
My heart stopped, I froze up. The boy stared, his bright eyes peircing the night.
"Yes" I said "My name is Violet Loss..."
"My name" The little boy paused. "is Blue"
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Hey, there! I'll try to do a thorough review, but keep in mind that much of my input is often subjective and a matter of opinion. So, take from it what you will!
"Did you know that it is possible to kill a reaper? Do you even know what a true reaper is?The true reaper is a gentle spirit[[;]] [["true reaper" becomes a redundant statement here, so don't use it twice.]] he will carry you gently away, [[As a general rule, it's best to avoid adverbs; they weaken your verb and tend to be unnecessary.]] almost as if to save you from this reality [["as though to save you from" would probably be a better choice of words]]. What happens then? I don't know. [[Y]]ou see, I have not fully experienced death. I cheated it. I killed the reaper."
Now I didn't like this until the last couple of sentences; it seemed flat, almost informative, and then it managed to find an edge. I kind of wish you wouldn't feel so compelled to describe the reaper just yet. I would begin by explaining how death itself felt, and then let that follow into your final sentences starting with "What happens then?"
"I followed the broken road, Hannah and Alexander far ahead of me. [[This sentence is okay, but it isn't great. If you're going to describe the road, don't take the short-cut method of tacking on an adjective. If the description is truly worth noting, give it time - build suspense.]] The silent, eerie darkness crept over me[[.]] The shattering screech of a creature tore through the dead of night. [[Get rid of "silent" and "eerie." They are emotive dead limbs that don't do anything to improve the story whatsoever; instead, the weigh it down. "The screech of a creature tore through the dead of night" is simply a poor sentence, one that too quickly dismisses this sudden sound by approaching it too directly. Again, give this one time, just as you do the description of the road.]] [[The noise]] sent a shiver up my spine, but I continued on [[AHH! Preposition! Never. End. In. Prepositions. Okay, it's not that big of a deal, but it's really not grammatically correct to end your sentence with one]]. Hannah and Alex stopped to investigate the area [[Again, you're rushing, so give us more information on the what/why of their actions]]. I sat on a pile of rubble, giving my frail, pale body a rest [[Who describes themselves as frail and pale, particularly when that is the first chance they have at describing themselves? No one, honestly. In fact, while it's a pretty nature desire to want to get all of this detail and description out of the way from the get-go, it's best to take your time on this and let the descriptions come to us in a less direct way that doesn't pull us out of the story]].My black hair danced gracefully with the wind, swirling and twirling with the cool breeze [[My previous advice applies here too]]. My eyes began to glow their usual bright blue [[And here]]. I found my target. I ran down the road, leaving Hannah and Alexander in the dust. I entered the old abandoned village [[Hold it. Way too fast. Slow down. There's a village?! Why wasn't this explained before?! Make sure that these surroundings are portrayed so that we aren't thrown for a loop!]]. Quietly, I observed the deserted buildings. A quiet song broke the silence, flooding the creepy ghost town with a strange sense of comfort [[My first thought was "an omnipresent singing voice is soothing in a spooky village?" That would concern me. Also, get rid of the adjective "creepy" here, as it's bogging your sentence down again]]. I let my ear guide me to a small house, one dim light was shining, the music spilled from the window. I entered and made my way to the room [[Poor sentencing here, so revise]]. Silently, I peered into the room [[Again, poor sentence that needs to be tweaked]]. A little boy sat at the piano, skillfully hitting the keys [["hitting the keys with a level of unfathomable skill" or something would be a better sentence; get rid of the adverb.]]. The little boy, maybe eight years of age,had black hair. An odd color of icy bluefilled his eyes. [[Aaannddd last but not least, find a more natural way to fill in these descriptions]]"
Now, this is a lot of garbled advice that can basically be condensed into this: clean it up, tweak it, chop it, and add. There's some glimmering promise here, but it's a diamond in the rough. Ensure that the characters' actions seem natural and are explained well, so that we get a sense of realism when reading; there are times when the reader is blindsided by a sudden event in the story, and that is largely due to informational gaps. We need a better sense of where this is, what their world is like, and who these people are in relation to each other. Slow down and let us start to riddle things out through the information you give.
That being said, this really does show plenty of promise, and the title was nothing short of alluring. This has a very eerie vibe that I absolutely adore, so keep working on it, and if you are ever in need of a review as this story progresses, just let me know!
Keep writing, and best wishes. xxx
Oh, and I almost forgot! Welcome to the site!
Hey, FallingUpIntoTheRain, welcome to YWS! Nice username by the way! I'm Dark, and I'll be reviewing this piece today.
Firstly, this isn't half bad. What I understood of concept is quite interesting, and the first paragraph really drew me in, because I love all that stuff about death and reaping and the afterlife (in a totally non-psychotic way, of course). You keep your writing style simple and direct, and I think this works for an opening paragraph, because it gets your point across in a way that doesn't ramble. The first paragraph is probably one of the most important in the whole story; it's like the first two minutes of a job interview, and you pulled it off well. The last sentence in particular really captured my interest.
The rest of the piece, short as it was, didn't quite maintain that standard. I'll point out the grammar and punctuation nitpicks first, just to get them out of the way.
Firstly, make sure you proof read. There were several occasions in which you missed spaces out either between words or after periods, though I'm not sure why. I also spotted a couple of rogue capital letters located in places that they shouldn't be, so if you look over the piece I'm sure you can pick them out and amend them.
Also, this:
Instead of a comma, that should be a semi-colon. I don't know if this was just a slip up or not, but if it wasn't, and you need to clear up when and where to use semi-colons, I suggest you take a look at this splendid topic, which should explain all you need to know.
Where be that punctuation? D: It should look like this:
"Yes," I said. "My name is Violet Loss..."
Anyway, moving on from that, I want to comment on the actual content and writing style. I think you could do with varying your sentence structure a little more; there are too many simple sentences in this piece. It doesn't add to the sophistication, and whilst it works in the first paragraph, it becomes a little repetitive as you read on.
In terms of the plot...I don't know if I'm missing something, but I really wasn't too sure what was going on past the first paragraph. It doesn't feel linked to it, and it's like the whole scene has shifted into something new. Maybe it has, and if so, I think you should make that a bit clearer.
I didn't get what your MC was doing in the village, nor the significance of the boy playing the piano, and I felt like I should do. Is this a prologue or a first chapter? Because it feels a tad short and unexplained to be the latter. If it's just a prologue designed to invoke interest, I suggest you dilute it down a bit and focus on just one thing so that it doesn't overwhelm the reader, like the boy at the piano or something. If it's a first chapter, go the opposite way and explain a bit more (don't dump too much information on us, but give us a brief understanding) and definitely, definitely lengthen it. As a prologue, you can get away with it being short.
Still, despite my confusion, the piece is still intriguing. I'd like to read more.
Anyway, to conclude this review, you don't need to put 'to be continued' at the end. It's not a literary requirement, and you rarely see those words in novels.
Hope this review helped! PM me if you have any questions and, once more, welcome to YWS!
Keep writing!
~Dark
Thanks! I have never been to good with grammar so thanks for pointing that out! It really helps!
Oh! haha the website put it like that and I don't know how to fix that
but alot of the spaces, like "Thesilent" should and do say "The silent" when I go to edit it, so If you know how to fix that it would be very helpful! 