Published December 22, 2009
Where there is a heart, there is fake happiness,
fake joy, fake laughter, fake smiles, and fake cries.
If you look closely there is a hole in the heart.
It has always been there and there it will always stay.
It was caused by a boy, who is now a man.
Who broke his promises, forgot to call.
And finally moved away, taking a piece of the heart
with him.
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140,533 Literary Works • 673,403 Reviews
This whole poem operates under the conclusion that you will still care when you're an adult. Since you won't, and it's a delusion, the thing falls apart.
This is the problem with many teen poems, since teens are still under the incorrect assumptions that teens will be under, but unlike the others this one is from the viewpoint of someone who has grown up, and so instead of it being about a teen thinking what a teen will, regardless of whether or not it's correct, it's about an adult, that apparently has the maturity of an average 15-year-old.
Due to this, the poem kind of just doesn't work at all for me. Sorry.
~Aet
(And I'm 15, since you were probably wondering.)
Hi, there! Nice poem, here.
Work on that.
As a few others have said, this is very simple and short--which isn't a bad thing at all, if that's how you want it to be. All poetry is good, short or long. I disagree with what Amy said about the periods--they didn't give any 'jerky' stumble rhythm, in my opinion. Just in a few places there needn't have been a period.
This is sort of cliche, but I like the way you presented it. Very nice.
Keep it up!
Tata,
Mizzle
Hey there!
So, this is pretty simplistic and short. I'm assuming that this is the way you want it to be, that it's deliberate, rather than something you didn't really think about? Because at the moment it has a slight tendency to sound like prose and to be a little bit ... not like a poem. But that's the way some writers roll, I guess.
One thing I would say is that you've used rather a lot of periods at the end of your lines. This gives your poem a kind of jerky, stumble rhythm which isn't so good.
~Amy
It's really nice, and straight to the point.It presents the realistic view, that everything isn't a fairy tale ending. Not every ones life is full of sugar, spice and everything nice.
It's realistic, and this poem could be very depressing, but I applaud you for making this, in it's simplicity, more realistic than anything else.
*lol, I repeated realistic a lot* hehe
Keep Writing!
~Mo.
Your poem is beautiful i loved it. What peanut said i think the capitalization is not necessary since capitalization is for the old format of poetry Though its still accepted, and the but is not necessary it makes the poem look too formal and for peanut last observation its correct the repetion is not needed.
By the way side your poem is too short to be enjoyed, try to add to it.
Keep up the good work
Hi Fallen, welcome to YWS
I'm going to review this line by line since it's so short. Keep in mind that I don't normally critique poetry so if I don't know what I'm talking about just ignore me.
*Okay, that f should be capitalized. You have to make it the same throughout. Also at the end of the line I think tears would be a better word then cries.(Cries is a verb and the rest are nouns
*In the third line I think you should add 'But' at the beginning since we don't know this already.
*I think the repetition in the last line could be changed. You could say '...and it will always stay' just drop the there.
Over all I think this is a good start. I think you can add so much emotion to it. Descriptions are you friend
~peanut~
This is a really good, straightforward poem. Sometimes repetition of words is bad, but, in this case, it is good and really brings the point out. One thing I noticed is that you didn't capitalize the beginning of the second line. Make sure you do that and keep up the good work!